@Freckle = Remembering that there has been verbal abuse throughout my M is what helps me detach. I get out of the "wanting to win him back" mode when I remember he has a lot of work to do whether he wants to admit it or not.
His abuse has been worse since leaving, but it is the same old pattern. The verbal abuse was less frequent, but our fights escalated more and lasted longer. I've worked hard since he left to control my half of the arguments - to walk away and go dark when he's abusive.
I tend to forget that when I try to make all these changes to save my M and to take responsibility for myself. Sure I did a lot of things I regret and don't want to do again, but now that we are in MC I'm going to have to get up the courage to start talking about how I was miserable too and not take all the blame.
What gives me strength when I feel depressed at being a "LBS" is remembering all the hurtful things he did so that I may be better off without him. The problem is, my S will always be with him. Whenever I have gotten to the brink of filing for D, I realize not only would my S be raised in 2 households, I would have no idea what kind of treatment my S is getting and if my H and I are contentious, that would be horrible for my S too.
So my hope for now is that MC will bring all the problems onto the table - not just H's - and there will be some effort at change on both sides. IF not, I'll have to fight in D court for more custody and remind myself that we all would be better off this way.
I do not want my S living in a home with fighting anymore. But like I said, the tension level went way up when H left, so D has seemed like not the best option.
@LR and that is why I have to let H go in my mind and stop expecting him to embrace his changes. If he is going to choose the same old destructive patterns, I can't help that. If he chooses to be a better person then there is hope and we can rebuild. I can't make him see it.
I tried for years to "make him see" how much he was hurting me and it got me nowhere. He shut me out. Now I am focusing on changing myself and H will either join me or not. If not, i'll have a new R someday without verbal abuse.
heck if it weren't for S I might not fight so hard. And money, that's a huge factor with a little child. I still haven't found a job. But, I remember many good times too and if we can build on those we may have a chance.
