@R22 - You are right - I should bring up H's mother issues. H may be defensive, but it's worth noting and seeing if we can go anywhere with it. I also need to remember the mother issues so not to take it personally - I know that I'm not manipulative. I only want him back if he can see his part in the breakdown of the M. If not, we're not going to change and i don't want this anymore.
As for getting someone over here when H is here - that's a great idea. I have done a lot of going out myself, but certainly when someone is here H is not abusive and puts on a good face. Also, it helps me detach. Love that idea, thanks.
Having someone else do the switchoff - something else I never thought of.
Due to the verbal abuse, I have not felt comfortable leaving H alone with S for any length of time. If the MC works, I may feel more comfortable in the future and this would be a good solution.H has shown more calmness since starting MC so I'm hoping this continues. Otherwise, I'll file a restraining order and begin the dreaded war for custody.
And yes, I forget how long this may take, that we are in the beginning of MC and the lukewarmness may last a year or more! Meantime, LR has been helping change my attitude from "dumped and alone" to "enjoying me time"!
@Williaij - thanks for stopping by. I will catch up on your sitch. You're right - I still have a hard time getting that dropping the rope is actually a way to save a M. I've calmed down since last week and realize that time apart is good for ME - not just something I'm doing for H. At least I know there will be no emotional upsets when I'm alone.
I did tell H I have no agenda and he actually listened and talked it out with me. That is new! Usually he shuts me down before I can finish a sentence. It felt really good to be able to talk openly and be heard. He said next time we can talk more openly about how we feel about spending alone time together and that also felt validating.
But you are RIGHT in that words mean nothing, actions and experience say everything. That means focusing on being true to myself no matter what H does is my goal. But it's nice to know he is finally open to hearing my words as well, even if he doesn't buy all of it.
