Hopeless feelings

[mb28]

Hello,

I decided to start a new topic about stitch because I felt my old one “my story” was getting to long for others to follow. Sorry for the length.

Stitch: My H and me are separated and have been for almost 6 weeks now. We had started fighting around the first of October. I had a lot of stress in my life at the time because I had just broken my leg, and had to help with everything and was very dependent on others. This time of year is also the start of hunting season, and my H is an avid hunter. He went on his hunting trips, and I felt abounded, even though his mom was here to help me. I felt over the next month or so my H was growing distant from me. Therefore, I started snooping into his emails, texts, ect. I found that he had been chatting a lot with girl he had befriended on FB. There was nothing to suggest an affair in anything I found, just a lot of communication between the two of them. Therefore, I confronted him about it, and he said it was nothing. Nevertheless, he was mad about me checking up on him and not trusting him. That is when the fighting really started to become an everyday thing. Me constantly checking on him, and him being mad for me not trusting him. He kept telling me he wanted to pretend as if everything was ok and wait until after Christmas to work on our R. I wouldn’t let go, and I wanted to fix it. Therefore, we came to a standstill. So on 12/3/09 he moved out and into his parent’s home. I thought it was a mutual agreement, but later found out he felt as if I had kicked him out and he kept telling me that he didn’t think I really loved him anymore. I also found out that he had bottled up an incident 4 years ago, where during an argument I blurted out “I don’t love you anymore and I want a D” This was a short fight and I thought everything was fine after that and I apologized for saying it and explained it was out of anger and that I didn’t mean it. That is why he won’t come back now, and says he’s pretty sure he wants a D. He tells me he can’t come back from the place that I have put him, and that he is heartbroken and of course the ILYBNILWY.

Sense he has been gone, I have been trying to the 180’s and LRT, but I’m mostly failing at these. I know that I am early in my stitch, but already feel like it is a dead end and is heading for a D.

He wants the house up for sale ASAP so that he can afford to get his own place. I fought him on this at first, but as part of my 180 I told him ok I’m willing to sale too. I really don’t want to sale the house, and I hope we can work this out before that happens, but if not I will be ok with the house selling.

I would love tips, advice, or just any help anyone is willing to offer. Also here is a link to my original stitch that has more information about encounters between H & I.


My Story

[mb28]

Need help on how to handle an upcoming conversation with H tonight.

H informed D9 last night that the house is going up for sale on Monday. Needless to say, she has been very upset and his having a very difficult time with the thought of losing her home. She is already having a hard time with her dad not being home every night for the last 6 weeks and this is adding to her stress. He agreed to come over tonight, so that we can talk about how best to handle this for the kids. By the way, he is the one that wants to sale the house, and I have finally agreed. Currently he is living with his parents, and he wants to the sale the house, so he can afford to get his own place.

I have some ideas as to what I want to say to him tonight about how I think we can make this a little easier on the kids. I have already told him that he will have to carry most of the burden of getting house ready to sale because I’m working full time and going to school full time. And I don’t have any spare time, and the extra time I have I would like to spend with my kids, and not always cleaning the house.

I’m going to propose that H move back home for the duration of the house being up for sale. I will inform him that this will not mean anything about our R. We can live separated under the same roof. I will tell him that we would make it a rule, that there will be no R talk with each other (unless he brings it up, and even then I would keep it short). I want to communicate that this is only to give the kids some security and stability in their lives before the house sales. My biggest worry about suggesting this to him is that he will take this as a ploy on my part to get him back. I’m not very good at communicating, so I desperately need help here. I want to get my point across on how I think this will benefit the kids and us to keep up with the house. As well as be stern, and let him know that I’m not going to carry this burden of selling the house.

Please, please anyone that can offer some advice on how I can approach and handle this conversation in a non controlling way.

[Hopingtomakeit]

I think its a good plan. It may be a hard sell to the H but a solid plan. However, i warn you that he may not be worried about the kids. A lot of people feel kids will just bounce back from situations like this.

I would instead maybe focus on the money both of you save by living together and letting the children be the reason to support this.

[mb28]

Hopingtomakeit,

Thank you for the advice, it helps a lot

[motherof3]

H informed D9 last night that the house is going up for sale on Monday.

What have the kids been told up to this point? How have you explained H’s absence?

By the way, he is the one that wants to sale the house, and I have finally agreed.

If H is the one who wants to sell, than H needs to communicate that to the kids.

I have already told him that he will have to carry most of the burden of getting house ready to sale because I’m working full time and going to school full time. And I don’t have any spare time, and the extra time I have I would like to spend with my kids, and not always cleaning the house.

Good boundary. Be ready to enforce it. There is a thread floating around the boards called Boundary (I think). If my be to your benefit to read it.

I’m going to propose that H move back home for the duration of the house being up for sale.

Would you be ready for this? You will need to set specific boundaries with H and allow no cake-eating. You will also need to continue to work on you (180’s and GALing). Just be prepared. Focus on things that you can control. And remember, don’t set any expectations. He may not like your suggestion of moving back home. If he says ‘no’, how would you react? Again be prepared.

[mb28]

Motherof3

The kids have been told that H & I are having a hard time being married to each other right now, and that it has nothing to do with them. And that dad is not living here for now, until he can figure out what he wants. When the kids ask him when he is coming home, he replies with “I don’t know”

I think I am ready for him to be at home, and to not let that have anything to do with our R for the time being. I’m pretty sure his answer will be “no”, and I think I’m preprared for that. But I’m not sure what I should suggest as another solution if he does say no. Maybe suggest he come to the house every other night to help with kids and to clean-up the house?

[mb28]

Here is a rundown of my plan tonight, any advice would be helpful.

I'm just going to explain to H what the kids have been going through and what they have been saying, along with their fears of the house selling.

Then I'm going to propose that he move back in to try to give the kids a more secure stable environment while the house is for sale.

If H says no, then I will explain to him that he will have to come up with a plan to get the house ready to sell and how to keep it clean.

I really don't want my suggestion to come across as me trying to control the situation. In addition, let him know he has a choice, but that I will not be able to help much with keeping the house up for showing with work and school.

[MHL]

mb28,
I think this is a good plan, just keep your emotions in check. Be prepared for him bringing up R talk or talk about a D. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I think that instead of telling him that "he has to come up with a plan" tell him "I know you will figure out how to best get the house sold". This would be a 180 for you b/c you are instilling trust in him to get this done.

[mb28]

missherlove,

If H brings up R or D talk, I will tell him that now is not a good time to talk about that and that my only focus is the kids now. I don't want to "act as if" he is going to say "no", but I'm sure that is what the answer will be. I have prepared myself for that answer and will respond with your suggestion, "I know you will figure out how to best handle the house" but also ask him how he proposes helping the kids through this difficult process of selling the house.

Have you gone to your MC session yet today? Just now that I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[mb28]

Feeling very nervous about the upcoming conversation with H tonight. However, I do feel prepared, and I always do better when I'm prepared.