You're right - acting desperate is not good, along with begging, pleading and pursuing H.
I know it's hard (read the first couple pages of my first thread, there are some similarities including younger H's) but you need to give H some space right now. Don't call, text or otherwise contact him for a bit and pull back to regroup. Take good care of yourself, and try to stay busy. Keep posting and bit by bit, you will get stronger.
Do read DR as soon as you can, and as noted above, don't let H see the book. It's great and I've read it probably 4 times. Sorry you're in this sitch, but we're all here for support.
