You're right Dane. It makes it more mind blowing for me every time we have a "normal" interaction, bc I can't fathom how she goes back to her sneakiness and lying. At least, I couldn't do that. Some serious denial.
I then asked her if we could discuss bills. We sat down and I calmly went over the monthly outflow, and she took notes as we did some discussion of what she needs to be responsible for. She didn't seem to be too stressed about it, but it added up to almost double her take home pay monthly.
This is a good way to apply some pressure, but you'll have a tough time enforcing it if she chooses not to perform. She may just call your bluff and let the bills go unpaid (that's probably what her lawyer advised). As the primary income earner you could be faced with the choice of paying or suffering derogatory credit statements.
She has you in a tough spot right now. She has a place to live, access to the children and can come and go as she pleases. You'll pay the mortgage and other necessary household costs for the sake of your children and your own future. You don't have much leverage without proceeding legally.
Wife informed me this morning (during a discussion on paying bills) that she was furniture shopping (a colleague's father died, she's going to see if she likes the furniture for her future apartment). I relayed this to her sister, who is her best friend, and with whom I have had constant contact since the affair stuff surfaced. Actually, her entire family supports me and has reached out to me in support at various times. Today, her sister accidentally sent an update text on my wife's situation to my wife's cell phone...so I got a very nasty call shortly thereafter asking me to desist from contacting her family. She feels like Im "stealing" them and making her to be the bad guy.
I told her I understand she's frustrated, but that I didn't want to promise something that I couldn't keep my word on, since I'm close with her family (actually, closer than with my own...) SO I tried to valudate and listen but hold my ground.
Should I have given in a bit? My wife said she feels this is an example of me being "nasty." I told her that I don't see it that way at all, but I understand that it is hard for her too.
Should I have given in a bit? My wife said she feels this is an example of me being "nasty." I told her that I don't see it that way at all, but I understand that it is hard for her too.
Thoughts? Did I misstep?
Involving family is not necessarily a wise move; they have long memories. I understand what you mean by them supporting you -- my MIL is more supportive of me than my wife, mostly because my wife isn't talking to her about things -- but everyone has to be able to live with each other if things work out.
Also, they are ultimately her family. Whatever happens to your relationship, she will still be their sister/daughter/cousin, etc. Even though they disapprove now, they will come to accept the breakup if it happens.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
ugh. How do I balance enlisting her family as an ally (and keep in mind, we don't talk that often, but they do feel that she is in a fog, "crazy," out of her mind, all words they've used) and not going too far? I thought I was doing a good job, but when my wife called and said that this is an example of how "nasty" I can be... Not that her feedback is what I go by, but I am, while DBing, trying to make sure I'm making positive changes in myself along the way.
I thought I was doing a good job, but when my wife called and said that this is an example of how "nasty" I can be...
And this is why enlisting the support of family is not a good idea.
You know her family disapproves of the situation. Let them provide their own counsel to your wife -- if she bothers to ask them; since you've turned them against her (in her mind), she may not do so.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I told her I understand she's frustrated, but that I didn't want to promise something that I couldn't keep my word on, since I'm close with her family (actually, closer than with my own...) SO I tried to valudate and listen but hold my ground.
She doesn't get to tell you whom to talk to or not. If she is so comfortable with her choices, then she's been up front with her family. After all, she has nothing to hide.
Having said that, I would err on the side of saying very little to them about your situation unless specifically asked. You don't want to be perceived by her family as manipulating them to get at her. It also makes you look weak/desperate/controlling to your wife. Talk about sports, the kids, work, etc. with them, but wait for them to ask you about the marriage situation. Even then, vague answers like "I'm doing as well as I can expect" are appropriate unless they ask for specific detail.
They already know about the affair. Involving them in the minutiae of your marital conflicts just makes you look small.
Good points. But her family does ask for details...she has cut them off almost completely. Says they just "preach" to her and tell her how she's wrong,etc. She said I can talk to them, but she doesn't want me giving out details of her life, her new phone number, etc.
Do I simply talk to them about how I'm feeling, and not give out details on her life with Dbag? How then do they help DB if she won't even talk to them?
Good points. But her family does ask for details...she has cut them off almost completely. Says they just "preach" to her and tell her how she's wrong,etc. She said I can talk to them, but she doesn't want me giving out details of her life, her new phone number, etc.
They're her family; she'll have to work out her relationships with them, especially if you two end up divorcing.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Do I simply talk to them about how I'm feeling, and not give out details on her life with Dbag? How then do they help DB if she won't even talk to them?
Her life with Dbag is her choice, and she'll live with the consequences. If you have to talk to her family, talk to them about you.
And you know how we say don't pursue, don't initiate R talk? The same goes for having people intervene on your behalf. All that will do is push her away from you AND from them.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
