Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

WAIT THERE'S MORE.
Our cell phone bill...she called tracphone twice for a total of 10 minutes yesterday. That is the company that has her pay as you go phone. One call for 8 minutes, one for 2. Do I ask her why she feels compelled to check on her trac phone before she goes on a trip?

[gutwrenching]

Now I start getting emotional and pissed and want to ask her why she felt compelled to call tracphone customer service yesterday. Advice please?!?!

[gutwrenching]

Anyone with advice, I know its getting late. I just found out that I will not be able to track history of this phone on-line, so that does me no good. I know it has a bunch of minutes on it, I know W called yesterday,

I was thinking about just saying that she needs to think about our M while she is gone. That she needs to remember I am not willing to share her, that is disrespectful, the EA is disrespectful, as is the sneaking around. She needs to think about if she is willing to actually work on our M when she comes home or if she is ready to pack her things.

Or do I just need to sit on this a day or two or three

Or do I call her on this tracphone while she gone...

[sandi2]

I do not think you need to ask her or confront her about anything before the trip. You do not sound "sure" about anything to me, so I think she could lie herself right out of it and then she would go deeper undercover with the A. It would be harder to prove.

If you can track some of Puppy's threads or Robx, they will give you insight in how you can go about exposing, etc.

About calling your W while she is gone.......if you don't hear from her first, then I think a short call at bedtime...tome make sure she's okay, would be fine. No long conversations and for goodness sake stay away from R talk. If she contacts you first, then that should be enough. Once a day...no more.

[Deep]

In your own words, you're getting emotional. Not the best time to make decisions or take action then.

Calm down. You're gathering ammo for a "Shock and Awe" approach if I read you right. Why shoot a flare up now when you haven't got all your big guns lined up yet?

[sandi2]

I go back to my original line of thought in asking if there would be any reason that your W would be contacting the OM. Would she have any reason to discuss the "job" except when she is at the work site?

I know I seem old fashion to some, but I do not think it is appropriate to talk to people of the opposite sex when it is kept secret from your S or it doesn't include your S. Something is very wrong with that picture. If it is job related, then it should be full transparent to the S and never covered up. But since you have talked to your W about this and she is "suppose" to have stopped, then do you think it's right or appropriate for her to be talking to OM "after hours"?

Again, I want you to take your time to get any proof of an A before you confront your W or tell OM's W. One call is not enough....even if it shouts A. She would wiggle her way out of it. I thought you had found some emails. Maybe I've got my stories confused...

[12bar]

I just spent 5 days apart from my W over the past week. Sandi told me to not think of her and to try to recharge. This was really good advice because while I was away, I slept better than I have in a long time and when W and I both got back home, we were both in a lighter mood. Although I was thinking about her, I did not call, text, etc. while I was gone except to give brief replies to the few texts that she sent.

Bottom line, time apart was good for both of us after a tense holiday season!

Hang in there GW, I know this is tough

[gutwrenching]

ALL - thank you again. I read everything on the iphone but it would not let me reply. I am back home, calmer, but still pissed. W just texted me. I seriously debated not replying at all, but for the kids sake, waited 10 minutes then replied. If she makes it home in time, tonight is the last time in the next 5 days my kids get to see their mom.
She wanted to know where to call me, I said what's wrong with calling me on the cell. That was pissy and I was being short, too short. She asked if something was the matter, I said no, should there be. She said no, your just being short and not sounding friendly. So I toned it down and said there is nothing wrong at all. I need to make sure to give her a smile when she comes home. If Im not confronting, which I'm not, you all are right, then why have a worse night that it needs to be.

Junco - I can understand the days apart and needing/wanting to recharge, but was your S in the middle of an EA with OP on her 5 days of freedom?

Deep - you are right - when I get hurt, I get emotional and I have to calm down. Easier said than done. But I'm almost there - thank you. I thought I had already done the shock and awe when I exposed the 1st time...all I want now is it to end. I just want the EA to end so I can have a fair shot.

Sandi - as usual, sound advice. She might be able to lie her way out of one call to him and a call to tracfone. Especially now that I see what I got with the tracfone and one thing makes no sense. According to the AT&T tracking, she called at 5:45AM...but she was in bed with me at that time. So their clock is off or something is off...even I would have to admit that. I know for a fact she was in bed with me, that is about the time the alarm would be going off. This is also the first at all shady call/use of the phone since I exposed the EA...I have to admit that. But of course, that's because there is a computer and a tracfone.

Sandi - is there any reason for them to be talking. I can tell you what she would say. He is a lawyer in our company and from what I gather by reputation a pretty good one. He has helped her on some issues with legal advice, that was one of the original stories when they were just friends and she proved it to me...showed me the advice he gave and how he used it. Of course, we have our own legal team here that could have done the same, but she was getting special attention I'm sure. That could be one of her first/easiest lies...looking for some legal advice dealing with family and the suicide. That would still be BS and no reason when we have our own legal team, but you asked, so I'm telling you what I know.

I certainly do not think it is appropriate for her to be talking to him period. Especially at 6:40 our time which is like 9:40 his time at night. I do not think any talking/emailing/chatting is appropriate, she knows it. I got to stop talking like this, will get angry again.

Everything happens for a reason...maybe this is a test...see if I can detach with knowing she is talking to OM throughout the weekend. If I can release myself from anxiety and detach now, that would be a HUGE step.

I just want the EA to end. I want us to get back to where we were heading before the suicide, working out in the morning together and I want to get back to going to church together. I think these can be slow/gradual steps that might help us build again from scratch.

Thanks for all the quick responses, I needed the help

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - once a day, not more. Ok - but what if, and this is just a what if, she calls or TM me more than once. I could reasonably see her calling to talk to the kids once (and me just a little) and then calling again at another time to talk to me. Or there is e-mail or there is texting. I got the part I should not be initiating pursuing, I got to wait on her, but what if she decides to "test" me and see if I will respond and ignore like she claims I did this summer

[gutwrenching]

ALL - ok you were right, bringing something up tonight would have been a disaster. Will not bring anything up. I did call her out on the cell phone password, it wasn't the standard she said it was going to be. I said ok so what's it going to be...she wasn't really answering and I think trying to divert the subject, I didn't let it go. She finally told me what she put in today and we agreed that would be the password for both of our phones. The key is she knew I checked and knew I wasn't going to put with a not knowing as we had agreed. Her excuse was (and it was a good excuse, I got to give her credit for coming up with this one) was our standard password was difficult to type one-handed, so she claims she changed it to something easier. I tried both and had to admit she was correct.

And then I did look at the phone and saw the two calls to the tracphone. So now for future reference, I have the evidence on the phone which I have been told I am free to check. Interesting that she didn't erase those calls. Very interesting.

I am calm, have been for a bit. She is being not friendly but not cold either, just kind of there and very stressed out about getting ready, packed, dealing with the family, the funeral, etc. I have done nothing to help her pack except when she called earlier in the evening and asked me if I would put a specific shirt in the washer for her. How could I say no.

I also made nothing for dinner. Told her it was fend for yourself night or leftover night, take your pick. I'll be darned if I was going to cook dinner again tonight.

Had another thought tonight...will be odd...this will be the first time ever when on a trip like this, that when we talk, I will not (well cannot per DB and WAW principles) end the conversation with ILY. That one is going to be weird when it doesn't happen.