Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

Thanks Aver,
I'm not sure how much wisdom I gained but any I have I probably learned on here!

Even though you weren't married 23 years together (did you live together all that time?) basically IS a marriage. That is a long time to be committed to someone. Your BF knows it too. Sorry I can't remember how long ago your bomb happened, but if it's only been a month or so, or even 3 mos ago, be sure to give yourself time. That isn't a very long time. To me, it sounds like you are doing really well.

I keep a post it on my computer that says "It's not about me. I can only control me". I have to remember this every day. The walkaway will do whatever he will do. This, um process, for lack of a better word, we keep hearing is a marathon. Coming on month 9 for me & sometimes it feels like 9 yrs. but then again like yesterday we were together. Going to a good C will help too. I will keep checking in & sending positive thoughts! ((((Avermont))))

[jasper67]

((())))
Sorry you are going through this- it is amazing how "common" this problem/phenomenon is. I am trying to get my family to read smart cookies post on WAW so that they may understand why someone (W) could do what she's doing w/ little regard for anyone else.
I understand it to a point, but it's most difficult understanding that the breakdown in the M is all fixable- trouble is whe the breakdown leads to a loss of love and hope.
I know all I can control is myself, but man do I want to take the wheel- EVERYDAY!!
Just wanted you to know you have my support.
All the best

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Maynard,
Thanks for stopping by. That is so true, everything is fixable. The problem is the will is gone from H. I am trying to keep the focus on myself. Am in LRT, dark except for minimal contact about house stuff.

But I had to ask him to watch the dogs because I have an overnight trip for work. And, here we go again, he's starting up w the crap about haven't I gotten the sep. agrmt. reviewed. His email, "Do you know if your lawyer has responded to L's letter that she sent in November? Is there stuff we need to talk about?"
1. There is a lot of stuff wrong w the draft his L sent my L beginning of Dec.
2. I have had -0- time to go over every financial item in Dec.
3. "We" won't be talking about "stuff" - that's what the Ls are paid big bucks for. I swear, it's like talking to a wall. I really need to detach much more, and work on GAL.

M, you have my support as well. And, just a thought, while I think it's helpful to see things from the WAS view, we don't really know what they're thinking. I've found it to be a "cheeseless tunnel", and very painful to do this. Every day I have to force myself to focus on me. I am trying to read "Codependent No More" an excellent book recommended on here by many for detachment. I'm about 1/2 way through. Got to work on this more.

Best to you too - I will stop by your thread soon. Thanks for your support & wishing you strength.

[avermont]

Hey LFA-

Sorry I didn't see this post earlier. I had added you to my "watched users" but I don't think I got it right.

I just re-read your posts, and man, are our sitches similar. Bomb, boom, gone a week later (well, took some nudging to get him to move out of the other half of the duplex).

But yes--OMG--the total fear that NC relays the message: hey, no problem! You're right--I never really wanted you anyhow!

And what you wrote about "no arguments, but lack of communication about important things killed our R." Exact same here.

His new R is going on 9 months. I have stopped thinking of it as an A, because--well, he ended this R and started another one. After the first 3 months of sneaking around (cheating), well, he is just moved in with her and all is fine and dandy. As we are not legally married, and as he said with great finality "I am done with this R, " I don't see what I gain mentally/emotionally from thinking of it as an A.

I am definitely getting better PMA. Next up to deal with is setting up a tax appointment. We have to do them together as we have joint ownership of the house/apt's and so half of expenses get deducted from each--maybe I can figure out a way to do it separately. Yeah, I will definitely look into that. He will have to access our joint Quicken to pull together the apt/cost/tax/expense info--or maybe I can do it???

I am at the point where I don't want to see him at all. Mostly because the tax conversation will lead to "selling the house" conversation, and I want to avoid that like the plague.

But I also just don't feel like seeing him. Dealing with him. Best of all possible worlds, he and OW would, frankly, just drop dead. Or at least move to her hometown, which is several states away.

So. I will keep checking in. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

[avermont]

Hey LFA-

checking in on you. As our sitches are so similar--I only have contact around house stuff, too.

I wanted your input on how much to initiate contact around house stuff. At this point I would rather not see him at all, but then there is the frustration of wanting to do DB stuff and have him see how fab, etc., I look and am.

Is your H still pressuring you on D?

How are you handling it?

I hope you are well--

[avermont]

Hi LFA-

I'm hoping I found my way back to your original thread, so I don't hijack others.

I wanted to ask how you are handling finances/taxes, as our sitches are so similar.

X hasn't contributed to the joint account this month, which, as far as I am concerned, is just fine. Just makes it that much easier for me to show I can carry the house by myself.

Tax time is here. My laptop has all the joint account information, which he would need to file taxes--income from the apartments, deductions for the mortgage, etc.

He always handled pulling that info together. We would go to a tax person together, and as we had done that for years, the tax guy would just enter the updated info into the computer. I could just be a dumb girl and not know anything about it!

Anyhow, I pulled together a quicken report on the joint. AFAIK, all the info we need is there.

We also re-fi'ed the house last January, and we get to deduct the points. I have the paperwork in the house, so I will look up that info, too.

Anyhow--who initiates financial talks in your sitch? you or him? At this moment, I have the "power" because the necessary info is in my hands.

I feel like the right thing to do is just send an email with an update on the tenants (the month to month guy is staying, so that is pertinent news); maybe attach the quicken report; ask which one of us is going to file a homestead declaration (a local state thing).

If I don't contact him, he will HAVE to contact me to get this info. And I really don't like feeling like he is stewing and stewing, like we are in a game of chicken and who will give in first?

That's not how I feel. I don't want any "power plays." I just want him to know what he has to know and move on.

What say?

[LookingFrAnswers]

HI Avermont, Thanks so much for your posts. Sorry to be MIA in early Jan., I am determined to be on her more often, it helps me & I need to make it a priority.

Well, let's see. Currently he's not really pressuring me, maybe because we've now taken the steps for an S agrmt. The "ball" is in my court, as his L drafted one & sent to my L around Dec. 1. That sucker needs a LOT of work & I just wasn't able to work on it in Dec., work was nuts for me. Anyhoo, he last emailed early Jan. to check up on any "progress" as you see in my last post. But eventually he'll ask again.

Which brings me to the finances. I had people telling me in April (he left in Mar.) to do this. I was sure that would be the nail inthe coffin, & wasn't ready to do any of that. Fast forward to Oct., when I learned of moving charges to a nearby city (where OW lives). Why this is so hard for me to act on, is something I need to work on w my C!

We talked in early Nov., the last time he was pressuring, & I was the one who brought it up. I wondered if he would, but slowly (VERY slowly) dawned on me that, why should he? He's got the best of both worlds! Access to my full paycheck, the savings (which is really my money, inhertiance from Mom), and joint credit card. Which by now is very close to being maxed out. Ugghhhh!!

So result of Nov. convers. was he would open his own checking acct. & cr. card in his name. I had already done both, at least. (Finding out about the move in Oct. spurred me to do that much!) Saw a few more chrgs on the cr. card, but knew it would take a few weeks for his to be opened.

Dec. is a blur, I emailed my L that I couldn't deal w any S stuff til after the holidays due to work. OK. So early Jan., I looked at everything, & at the S agrmt., which calls for 50/50 split to pay off. Not so fast I think - he has always been a spender, & I bet most of the bal. is his. So, this is painful but I really did it - I went back to March on all our cr. card bills & yes, highlighed his, mine & ours & did a spreadsheet! Turns out the split is more like 40 (me) 60 (him). But alot of mine was for therapy, & DB coaching to the tune of about $700.

The joint checking is where even more spending happens, plus our mortgage etc., so I went back to about Aug. & did a balance sheet, our paychecks (or his unemployment during summer)& found that every mo., even Dec. where he had a $900 bonus, he spent MORE than he brought in.

Anyway, this is how I've been "handling" the finances. Long answer to your ? eh? So with all this I now have to go to my L, tell her the cr. card bal. is not a 50/50 split. And we need to (finally) dep. 1/2 our pays in to the joint checking & the rest in our own accts. Where my hard-earned pay will be safe!

The reason I went through this torturous exercise was anger. I got very angry thinking about having to pay for his A. His drinking, socializing, moving & creating his whole new life. Why don't I just pay for that?? People have been telling me for mos. to protect myself. This is my deepest issue. I think it represents the end to me. Once we do this it's a matter of finalizing the S agrmt. & then soon it will be done. Even though I've hurt myself financially, costing myself hundreds of dollars, I haven't done this. And now I am going to do it. Ugghhhh.

I have let him know I don't want the house, & I could write another book on why, but it has many issues but mainly because it's on the other side of town from my family & friends, & work. And it's just a big, heat-gulping reminder of our failed life together.

Sorry this is probably a book by now. Let me know if I didn't answer your questions. He has been doing taxes for many yrs. now. And when this first all happened I was advised to set "rules" for how to pay stuff, & he at that time agreed to keep taking care of that. He has, for mortgage but has been spotty on utilty bills. I just got a cutoff notice for gas, need to pay $450 NOW. When this happens I just do it myself. I usually would shoot him a brief email when I paid something so he'd know the $$ would be going out of the checking. Communication has been really REALLY minimal. I go through the same doubts many other have expressed, is this helping or hurting. I wish I could tell you!

I don't think there's any reason not to email him w any house/financial stuff. THat is not pursuing in any form. The advice Ive seen from the experts on here is to communicate on business (or kids) matters as you would to a co-worker. Brief, cordial, to the point. I know it's so hard when that's the ONLY C you have w him. But you can know you've acted w integrity & also have taken control of the situation by giving him the info, & not having him contact you at his whim.

Let me know if any of this rambling is helpful - I will check in & see how your doing. I hope you're having a GREAT weekend - you deserve it! (((Hugs))))
LFA

[avermont]

Thanks for the detailed reply, LFA.

I got totally fired up to send him an email about all the financial stuff.

He beat me to it...sent an email about taxes and "moving forward" on the house.

I managed to send him a curt email with all the tax info I had. Attached the quicken report, and asked him to tell me whether it was the right/enough information.

The hurting part was him asking "moving forward on the house." I replied" "I asked for a year before we made big decisions on the house. That year starts August 1st, when I learned of the decisions you made to change your lives. I hope you will respect that request."

I can't reply coherently to your thoughtful, detailed post right now, as I am a total mess. But I want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing to so much. ..yeah, right, the joint account helping to support his affair. Great.

Glad you are making steps to separate your accounts and keep yourself safe, financially. Fortunately, we both kept separate accounts and the joint was equally paid into, and just for household/apartment stuff.

I am a total wreck right now, can't write much more.

Please keep checking in; I appreciate the support.

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver))),
I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how badly that sucks to get one of those emails.

It's so hard to believe how they can act like this, after being w someone for so many years. You are handling it with dignity & class, no matter how low he goes. That is the very hardest thing to do, but it is the best thing to do. You can hold your head high.

When he says "moving fwd" on the house does that mean he wants to sell it? Is it in both your names? Sorry if that info was in your thread, I can't remember. Well, reply when you feel up to it. I will be here for you.

You totally have my support - I'll check back on you. Sending lots of hugs your way. I'll keep you in my prayers. (((Aver))))

[avermont]

Hi again. Wow, what a rough night. Barely holding it together here at work.

"Moving forward" on the house means getting into who will buy the other out.

He really wants it, and truthfully he put a lot more sweat and mental equity into it than I did. Not that I will ever say that to a L or in court! The other reason he wants it is the beautiful post and beam workshop/storage outbuilding. It has all his father's old tools, and beautiful new tools and woodworking projects. We built that building together.

I don't really want the house,but I CANNOT at this point accept him moving in with OW. If she didn't exist, I might be able to accept selling out to him.

What I want is either NEITHER of us gets the house, or I do. And this will not be pretty.

He keeps throwing at me the statement I maded once, 15 years ago, when we bought the house: "gee, if we ever break up, we would have apartments to move to!"

I apologized over and over again for that. Tried to say it was a terrible remark made by a much younger, and scarder, person. But he brings it up as if it were a contract we had signed.

I will tell him that if he brings that one statement up again, I will bring up ALL the statements he made as recently as 8 months ago that involved LOVE and COMMITTMENT and our lives TOGETHER--so why aren't those statements any more pertinent and valid than what I said once 15 years ago?

I will also insist that any conversation about the house happen with a counselor of some sort present. I cannot do it without someone else to help us hear each other.

Remember, it was his original plan that I should move to the apartment next door immediately post-Bomb, so he could move OW into the main house. I guess that is what they call the "fog."

Part of the pressure is he chose to move into an apartment with a 9 month lease, so come May he needs a place for him/her. I don't really feel that is my problem, though. Before he found the place, I said at one of our two MC sessions that I needed a year, and the C said that yes, it was best to wait a year before making big decisions like that.

I spoke with the bank and I am pre-approved to re-fi the house in my own name. I would have to find some $40K to pay him off, though. We are equally matched pocket-wise to buy each other out,but of course he also has a partner to kick in extra $.

I guess this shows me if nothing else how non-detached I am. I can't believe the crying and howling that I did last night. I thought I was further along than this.

Thanks for all your details, it really does help.

I will be writing a lot more trying to move past this horrible set back of emotions.

I appreciate any hugs and advice--