I would be angrier still if X came back and didn't really understand my anger and was crying and expecting me to deal with HIS feelings all the time. To be honest, just thinking about it really kind of ticks me off.
I was thinking about what you said and it seems like you really have a good understanding of what she is probably feeling. I just feel like we had a much better relationship until we brought the house together. Now it seems like any and every topic is not allowed to be discussed. One of our neighbors use to work with my ex and I was was telling my ex that the neighbor was really hurt that she hadn't called her in some time. My ex response was that I had no business talking to our neighbor and that she didn't want me making conversation in the future. What a control freak!!! She then tells me that she is only going to talk to me in front of a marriage counselor because all I do is offend people.
Quote:
in some ways, still an outsider to your own family
That statement is so true. In retrospect, had I known how the situation was going to be, I would not have brought the house and moved in together. I saw the signs prior to us moving in together and against my better judgment, I went against my gut. It is as if I am not even welcomed in my own house. There is no way I am getting married like this and yet I have no way of telling my x how I feel without her getting upset. I want things to work out, but we need a lot more time to heal and bond - a lot more time than I was anticipating. I always figured that healing would be a lifetime journey, but by now I would have expected some bonding and healing to have been done.
I am feel like telling my x to go back and live with her best friend if she won't make an effort and talk like civil adults. Today we were going to go to a xmas party for her work and now she is telling me that we are not going. I am so mad, so upset, so hurt. And yet, I know that she is hurt, defensive and just trying to protect herself.
I am trying, but I don't know if I am cut out for this - if I can take any more rejection. A part of me just wants this to end so I can have some closure. I am on the edge, with one foot on the side quitting, selling the house and moving on. The other side of me want to keep fighting. I just don't know if I can take the abuse, the crying, not being able to focus on the job. I haven't felt this bad since the day the divorce became official.
OK, LMNW, I have to admit that ya made me POed there.
You don't know if YOU can take any more rejection???
Take that and multiply it by about 100000 and you will only begin to have a sense of what it is like to be abandoned with a small child--when as a woman you are at your absolute most vulnerable. She probably had to listen to the child cry for her Daddy, too. The crying and not focusing on the job? Yeah, I get that, too--I lost my role at work because I was so stressed. If she works I am sure she could tell you what it's like to suddenly transition to single parent. If you want to talk rejection, I am sure she knows all about it.
You ran her over with a truck and now you are complaining because you fell down.
I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be treated well. And no, you don't have to be punished your entire life. But you're also going to have to get through this very difficult situation and enable her to trust you again. You are going to have to really understand her pain and not put your pain first here. You probably can't apologize enough and you're going to have to be consistent.
As far as control freak--she doesn't trust you yet. I mean, consider that most people would never trust you EVER again and give your XW some credit for giving you another chance at all. I can guarantee you that NOBODY in my life would say "I thikn you should give XH another chance." You haven't indicated that you cheated, but if you did, you are going to have to own up to the damage there, too. You are going to have to be even more consistent and patient than you think you are being.
Yes, she probably contributed to the problems. But you bailed out--that was your way of solving the problem. Now you're talking about doing it again, with maybe a year of working on things? Chances are she is a lot stronger and less assured that she needs you any more.
You can say Slow down without stopping things altogether. Take the amount of time you were gone and double it and that is probably the time it will take to heal things completely.
You can get through this--I have heard the love in your posts and I believe you when you write you are sorry. But I don't hear you fully connecting to how much pain you caused here, the amount of distrust that she built up, and the recognition that she probably has good reason to feel as she does.
You are going to hurt her when you say Slow down, but the way you do it can make a difference. Tell her you want to do it right and you haven't earned her trust yet and you feel that. Tell her you have to do a better job of it.
And then you have to believe that.
Time will help. Time time time. And LMNW, I think you ARE cut out for it. I think this is a lesson in love for you. I think it will help you to learn how to love unconditionally. I believe your XW will respond but you are going to have to be about 100 times more patient than you want to be, 100 times more giving than you think you should "have" to be.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I suppose now you see why sometimes people think it's easier to start over rather than try and repair what's broken. Unfortunately, starting over doesn't guarantee you'll end up in a better place.
I could parse what you wrote, but I don't think I need to. You're unhappy, she's unhappy. You want her to give more of what you need, she wants you to give more of what she needs.
Communication can be really hard and take a surprisingly long time to learn. That's why it'd be really good if you found a counselor who could help you over this hump. And that's what it is - a hump. Don't try to cast it into a conflict or you'll color all your interactions in a self-repeating cycle. Actually, I think you're already doing that. Whatever you say confirms her beliefs, and whatever she does confirms yours. You guys aren't communicating and you aren't able to cut through the little mind games we all play.
Have you thought about retrouvaille? That might help get those loving feelings back. I already mentioned counseling. Other than that, all I can say is try to stay loose and cool. Be a duck and let it all slide off. You don't need to look to her to be happy - you need to look to yourself to be happy. If you're a confident, happy man who doesn't take her bait, the conflict will fade. Be who you are and be confident in that. Get your swagger back. What would a strong, confident man do in order to save a marriage without losing his self-esteem or let his boundaries be violated? What do you do to charm?
That said, Forward has a valid point and I think you need to consider your XW's mental state. That's why I keep telling you to ask DanceQueen to weigh in on your sitch, since she offers really good advice in this department. You can't depend on guys giving good advice about women - you need to talk to a woman who's in touch enough to be able to share.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I'm still here. I will give you guys an update sometime this week, but in short things are not really going well in the relationship - frustrated, sad and just over all confused. I am going to London for two weeks towards the end of the month, so I'm excited about that. Special projects I am working on for my job. I will be in touch soon.
