Just to let others know, my IC gave me the assignment to post here and be needy to others. So I am asking for support and feeling needy in case anyone wants to help out a struggling person in IC.
One thing is to have people check in on me - I am suppose to post everyday - so I have been summing up what goes through my mind that day.
Today mostly feeling lost. I feel like a failure and have screwed up everything in my life to sum it up. I am not saying that I haven't done anything good or right along the way - and I am fortunate in many other ways - but I don't understand why I can set goals and reach them except with relationships/marriage.
I have to agree...after much consideration (LOL)that I might be a tad hard on myself. It is really sinking in that it does take two to work at a rel/mar and I have been on overdrive and my H... well... he didn't at all, then some, but he can't sustain it. It really is upsetting and unbelievable to me that two people can be in love with each other and not be able to have a decent relationship.
Went to therapy today and yesterday picked up an old book of mine to read and it really spoke to me and cleared up some thoughts and issues that I am dealing with.
Spoke to therapist about what I learning and he was very supportive and felt it was timely. Since therapist is also our MC he knows what I am dealing with and reinforced what I was reading and re-learning - ie in this relationship. It felt good and much better than last night.
IC/MC also gave me some answers to tough questions w/o taking sides which I really find valuable. I believe that my H has serious problem with relationships that are not his fault. I believe he has a responsibility to get the help he needs which is completely on him. In addressing R/M issues i need someone who can be objective with both of us. I will make my own decision in time and I don't want anyone to be the bad guy if that is possible. Hard to accomplish but it is how I am.
So today I have recovered some ground with myself. No closer to answers but closer to identifying and making the changes I need to do for me. BTW, IC/MC heavily suggested that my changes are not just curative to me but to my H as well which I need to keep hearing.
Thanks for listening and comments/ reassurance and general witnessing to my life and changes is helpful.
Having difficult thoughts this morning. Not sure I can move forward with H as I recall learning yesterday that there is evidence that some things can change but others may not.
