I really shouldn't. Should I? Anyone out there tonight?
I have the card that my wife gave me for our anniversary, just days before the bomb dropped. I also have an IM chat log where we were talking about how much we loved each other.
Your wife is in a different place now. She may come back, but it'll only seem like pursuing (which it is) and R talk (which it is).
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks Trent. I knew I should not do it anyway, I just needed some confirmation to get rid of that little seed of doubt that said I should. I just didn't even realize that we were still saying I love you all the way into November...the first month she was gone I just thought it was going to be a short term thing. I probably should have tried harder that first month and I wish I would have found DB back then. There was a message on there that said "I know I'm not trying as hard as I should be. I will try harder." From her. Its crazy how in a little bit of time things can change so much. If only it could change back that quickly.
Called my wife today...I was a little upset. I knew I should not have done it and tried to fight the urge but I caved. I was just talking to her and immediately she asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and she kept pushing...I told her I would give her a call later it was nothing. She said no...tell me now. So I told her about the texts I was reading last night. I said I didn't see how we could get from being like that to having nothing in the course of less than a month. She said she explained it before. I am having so much trouble with this. I feel like if I keep being friendly with my wife it may turn things around, and I try not to bring up R talk. I'm not really pursuing per se...I don't tell her I want her to come home anymore or that I want her back. I'm just trying to get some understanding from her on what is going on. What do I need to do? I fear I'm not going to be able to leave her alone till I have no choice because she won't want to talk to me anymore. Any help / advice out there?
I'm here, I'm in your shoes, I've done what you have done, I'm a rookie, but I know the advice cause I have asked the questions...I've got e-mails that make me cringe, I've got a birthday card from W from 8 days before the bomb was dropped with W apoligizing for having to be out of town with some very flirtatious/special means she plans to make it up...guess what, she never did and now we are married on paper only. hang in there, this all sucks. I'm not having such a good day myself, but I am resisting pursuing/contacting. We can both do this.
Vent and ask questions here, act after digesting advice.
Last edited by gutwrenching; 01/13/1012:06 AM.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks gutwrenching...you are the second person that told me they had similar thing happen. I know what that text was from..we were at her sisters wedding at the beach and some things happened and I was there for her...she probably was just temporarily reminded of how things were before so she said that. I look too much into things. Its not that I don't want to not contact her...we have been getting along pretty well and talk everyday several times a day. I can't understand why she wants to talk so much if she can't even stand being married to me.
Dude I am with you. For me it is "gutwrenching". It kills me. She has been my best friend forever and we still have days where we talk and talk and then other days she is cold as ice. With my W, it is all about the classic WAS and an EA that isn't dead yet. It might not be thriving, but it isn't dead. Detaching is tough, I am not good at it, I have to get better. I realize I have to get better, but I have only made baby steps.
Be strong, be calm, be confident, be attractive, be mysterious. Words people have given me. Words to strive for, I am not there yet. here's hoping and praying we both get there soon.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Called my wife today...I was a little upset. I knew I should not have done it and tried to fight the urge but I caved.
This seems to be a recurring theme with many people on here. If you know it's wrong and you do it anyway, it gets pretty hard to have sympathy when things blow up in your face.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
I was just talking to her and immediately she asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and she kept pushing...I told her I would give her a call later it was nothing. She said no...tell me now. So I told her about the texts I was reading last night. I said I didn't see how we could get from being like that to having nothing in the course of less than a month. She said she explained it before.
And you'll keep getting these kinds of answers as long as you give in to temptation. She's not in a place where she is considering staying with you.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
I am having so much trouble with this. I feel like if I keep being friendly with my wife it may turn things around, and I try not to bring up R talk. I'm not really pursuing per se...I don't tell her I want her to come home anymore or that I want her back.
YES YOU ARE. You may not use those exact words, but what do you think you're telling her when you say you don't understand how things fell apart so fast?
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
I'm just trying to get some understanding from her on what is going on.
You can't. If for no other reason then she's not sure what is going on yet, either.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
What do I need to do?
Stop pursuing! You said, right at the top of your post, that you knew you shouldn't call her. But you did, and it made matters worse for you. So don't do it any more. Use this is a reminder the next time you feel like calling her.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
I fear I'm not going to be able to leave her alone till I have no choice because she won't want to talk to me anymore.
You are probably right.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
gutwrenching - Definitely hoping and praying we get there soon. I will be praying for your sitch tonight when I go to God with mine.
Trent - I know its hard to sympathize when someone knows something is wrong and does it anyway. I find it hard to sympathize with myself anymore because I do things I know are going to turn out ugly. I just have to get to a place where I don't do it anymore. The next time I feel like doing something like this I am going to start thinking of all the times when I reacted without thinking and where it got me. I really want to stop worrying about what will happen with wife and just change myself and if she comes back she does. That is how I feel right now after reading these posts and convincing myself I can do it. The problem will be when tomorrow comes and something happens that makes me feel different. I just HAVE to do it correct?
Trent - I know its hard to sympathize when someone knows something is wrong and does it anyway. I find it hard to sympathize with myself anymore because I do things I know are going to turn out ugly.
And it's not that we don't sympathize with you -- I'm not alone in pulling some classic mistakes -- but it's frustrating to keep thinking "Well, what did you EXPECT would happen"?
Look at it this way:
You need to stop talking about the R now in order to have a chance at talking about it later.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Wife just called. Says she is annoyed with me because I keep bringing up things we already talked about. That I need to stop doing that. I said I would. She said she heard that 800 times already.
Ahhhh!!!! I really think I learned my lesson this time. I definitely need to listen to what people are telling me here. Trent you have given me great advice and I should have taken it today.
Sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel on this whole thing...