Yeah, I wish I was better at it. Here I thought I was doing so great the past month. If I was a great DBer I'd just never talk to him or be around when he's with S. I could do so much better with that.
I guess at this point my only thought is to reiterate to him that I have no "agenda" and that nobody knows where this is going, not even me. That is the truth. For months I was trying to get him back, but I've become aware of his verbally abusive tendencies and this has me thinking D would not be the worse thing for me - my concern is that it would be the worse for S5.
I will tell him that if he is ok with friends, this is what I will do. Frankly, this is still a big step for me as without DB I would simply still be begging for him back! But I do need to go "more dark" even though at this point it all feels so hopeless that he will come back and desire me once again. But the theory goes, if you pull back enough, that actually helps spurn desire. I hope I have the courage to do such a thing.
Any more thoughts/advice?
And the pattern before we all got along so well? I pretend "as if" we are still together. I know this may be backfiring on me now as he feels pressure. But for me it helps with the anxiety around our separation and helps me just be myself.
I'm sorry to keep returning to the topic of the mother stuff. But I believe you mentioned he has issues with a controlling and manipulative mother. Ask your therapist how this can impact his perception of you and your relationship. This can feed into his concern about agendas and trust in general and especially in relationships. I think you're going to have to get actually okay with letting go of this situation because that cannot be faked very well. Yet letting go is also hard to achieve quickly. So in the meantime, stay away from him as much as possible. When you interact, stay positive. But don't follow up the interaction with extremes of excitement (pressure) about where this positive interaction could lead. You are going to have to fake detachment until you become okay with detachment it seems like.
Make birthday plans that there is no way he could participate if he wanted to. If there's any other holidays coming up soon, make other plans for that too and let him know it. Otherwise he will be obsessing about that ahead of time and making an issue in his mind that you are trying to get him to do that event with you. You need to plan that he will be absent and not invite. Invite=pressure, agenda in his mind. Same with calling or returning every phone call. Start not calling ever and only return some phone calls with a text. You have to find a way to deal with the anxiety and get the courage to detach. I know it's easier said than done. I'm failing half the time! When I don't fail, I can see it takes the pressure off and taking the pressure off helps. People can't think clearly if they are locked in a battle in their minds with you over whether you are pressuring them.
If you live near your parents and could actually have them be at the house a few of the nights that he comes to see the kids each week for a month or so, that might be ideal. Or another friend who could do the switch off for you? If I remember correctly, you stay in the house in your room while they visit? Is there any way not to be there at all at least half of these visits for a while so that you can see him even less?
You should also attempt to understand what his "rotten from the beginning" complaints are so you can start making the changes in case you missed some. He sounds hopeless and grumpy in general. Is he depressed? That can make people more verbally abusive. If you mention that possibility to him, he may think you are judging him negatively. I can't imagine it going well. But it is something else for you to consider as you look at the whole picture. If he's going to therapy to blame you, is he still going to be depressed in a year when you're gone and blaming some other situation?
If you can't leave house when he comes over to be with son, can you have a friend over to visit and hang out in your room or have a board game night or something corny like that? This will help force you to ignore him if you HAVE to be there until you build up the willpower and detachment to do so.
You also need to develop this detachment because as and if things do improve, this lukewarm to icy rollercoaster stuff is going to be going on a long time. You won't survive it emotionally in the long haul if you don't start caring somewhat less. You might need to make yourself a lot busier or something for a distraction.
I have very little experience DBing myself but in reading many threads it is all about becoming a better you. Do the DBing for you and your S5. I understand about wanting the M to survive, but to really detach you have to "drop the rope". Act as if.
You are doing things right:
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But I'm making smaller space making steps, like not calling, not inviting him places
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A few times, H again lost his cool, let's say. I did not take it personally, I stayed calm, and noticed he calmed right down after me every time.
But could work on some others.
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I guess at this point my only thought is to reiterate to him that I have no "agenda" and that nobody knows where this is going, not even me.
You can only show him that you don't have an agenda. Remember if he were DBing you that he will believe nothing of what you say and only 50% of what he sees. Does it work from his side too?
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My only hope is that he is open to discovering he is wrong - that he "doesn't remember things correctly" as he put it. So here's my chance friends - how do I convince him he is wrong?
Show him through your actions. Become the person that you want to be.
just my 2 cents.
Will
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
I will tell him that if he is ok with friends, this is what I will do.
IMO, you shouldn't tell him anything. 2 reasons. 1st, it's R talk. 2nd, it means nothing when you tell someone about a behavior change. I'll second what Will said about believing nothing they say... Goes both ways. Though you can *show* him you're backing off the "win him back" mode.
Maybe the attitude he was picking up on when you were acting as if you were together was that you had confidence and contentment in your life. That you felt at peace with everything (at least as peaceful as you can feel when your life is in a tornado). He probably doesn't know that you were acting as if you were a couple and that is why you gave off those kinds of vibes, but he picked up on them and they made him want to be included in some things.
Now, and it doesn't necessarily mean that this is all because you're putting out different vibes, he's feeling pressure and expectations that he can't live up to. A good bit of it may be everything swirling around his head and he's projecting it onto you. It's just important now for you to try your hardest to have zero expectations of him and to work on detaching.
To be honest, the things that you've posted that your husband has said concerns me. Is this a new personality trait or has he always been this verbally volatile? As far as your S and what a divorce would mean for him? If it's a contest between a D or an intact home where your H flies off the handle at you, a D is far healthier for your son (and for you too).
As someone who grew up in a home with very unhappily married parents where there was lots of yelling and fighting, it was terrible. To hear the two people you love the most and who you depend 100% on scream at each other and say not nice things about the other is terrifying as a child. You feel torn and put in the middle and that your home, a place where you should feel safe and comfortable and loved, is really a minefield because you never know if mom and dad will be nice to each other today or if they're going to argue which means you hide in your room so you don't get caught in the crossfire.
That's not a home you want your son to spend his childhood in. And as a boy, he will learn that it's ok to be like that towards women--to you to his future girlfiends and wife. I'm glad you guys are in counseling and that you know your H's behavior is verbally abusive. Whatever happens, know that a happy and stable home is best for you and your son. Hopefully your H will be a part of creating that for you both, but if not, IMO, a divorce is the far lesser of evils than a volatile home with an unhealthy marriage.
More hugs Hope.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Dont put yourself down hun, you are doing well! You are learning to keep the panic level minimal, and also you are learning to be independant again and know that what you are isnt dependant on what H thinks/does.. it is a struggle and dont beat yourself up that its not happening how/when/what you want it to be.
Just keep in mind that all you want is that you and little S is happy, and YES that might not include a life with H but you have to get to that decision in your own time, honestly if I won a million dollars tomorrow boy would it throw a spanner in my thinking believe me.
You cant push/pull/guide or what ever word you want to use H in any direction accepting you have no control over him is a big step, he has got to get where he is going on his time schedule as well. He is in C so he will get himself sorted out which ever way eventually.
Anyway cant work out what the time diff is between us, its 19.20 here in the uk now, will go and lurk in the alt incase you pop in!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
