Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Been pretty strange over the past 7 days. I've probably done EVERYTHING wrong, and I'm feeling some consequences. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable after building a wall to protect myself. In doing so, what little detachment I had achieved has been set back a bit. I'm seriously doubting my quick decision to file for D. I truly believed that she was done with me (and I with her), when I'm finding out that this is far from the truth. Although I'm still dealing with the betrayal and distrust from her adulterous behavior, I realize that I still am not really ready to give up on our R completely.

I'm completely confused, as everything is viewed through my very skeptical eyes. I know that there could be a million wrong reasons for her recent changes in attitude and views. We both agree that she will need to continue to work on improving herself, just as I do. I'm not pursuing her or begging for her to come back, but I no longer have the strong conviction that going through with the D is the right thing either. I also have to admit to myself that she is a broken person. She has no self-esteem, no self-confidence or self-worth. I know that these things could take YEARS to improve, if ever. I know that I cannot "fix" her, and that I'm not responsible for saving her from the consequences of her bad decisions. I also don't want to put myself into a position where this type of thing could happen to me again, and I have to suffer the pain all over again.

W's most recent A is apparently nearing the end of it's course. She is now seeing him for what he really is, rather than through her previously fogged vision. Although she did/does have feelings for OM, I realize now that it wasn't quite the deep romantic relationship that I thought they had. She has cut off all physical contact with him, but not all communication. She still knows my boundary there, if we were to attempt to reconcile down the road, but for now, she's a big girl and can do what she wants, as can I.

W seems to be re-writing her re-written history. She's had much time alone to reflect back and appreciate everything we've had together. She now seems quite aware of all she's given up. Not just financially or monetarily, but emotionally. She's VERY concerned about agreeing to the D filing with no representation, as she is afraid that I'll change my mind and make her stick to every word on the papers, rather than work with her to make sure she's a integral part of S7's life. She knows that my lawyer is known to be a shark, and is worried that he will make sure that she gets shafted hard in the proceedings. She really WANTS to trust me when I tell her that I won't make her pay CS, will allow liberal visitation, etc...but she's not completely comfortable giving me that trust, with everything that she stands to lose.

We spent Sat night/Sunday together at my house. She was able to spend some quality time with S7, but mostly we talked. No sex, not even much cuddling. We stayed up until 6am Sunday talking and resumed around Noon when she woke up. It wasn't all R talk, as we haven't really said much to each other in over 2 months, so there were lots of topics for conversation. But when the chat did lean towards R talk, she put forth the most effort yet at trying to explain WHY things happened. What type of thoughts were going through her head as things devolved. As a man, this is something that I still feel I need to know...at least as much as I can. Not details of what happened (don't really need that), but just more idea of why. I understand that there may be no absolute WHY any of this happened, but I do have a better insight into what led to these destructive choices, and a much better feel for the deep regret/remorse she feels because of her actions. I also realize that of all the incidents, only 2 were what I would remotely consider affairs. The rest were more like "one night stands". Don't know why it would make a difference, but for some reason, it does to a certain extent in my mind. Cheating is still cheating, but "falling in love" with someone else still seems worse to me than having a brief, awkward physical encounter with someone. No justification for either, but definitely apples vs oranges.

Don't have any idea where all this rambling leads to. I know that some of you out there pulled things back together after the D filing provided some of the "shock and awe" necessary to bring reality full face. Curious how things worked out. Did you move forward with filing the order, did it go all the way to the final decree signing, were things extended along the way?

On top of all these things, I've been doing what I can for myself. I have been busting my tail at work as a temporary contractor for 6 months, and last week my efforts were finally recognized when I was offered a full-time employee position. I've been spending much time with S7. He headed out to Disney World with my family this morning, and I'll be joining him on Friday for the weekend. I've continued to cultivate and rekindle friendships that I have been working on. Basically trying to GAL and not let all this stuff with W distract me too much, which is a real challenge, when my heart still feels the way it does.