6 months ago -- hell, 3 months ago -- if you had told me we'd be fighting over the kids, I'd have said you were nuts (no offense, @nutfarmer! ).
None taken...I'm all about my nuts .
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
"I will be there at 6:30."
To which I responded, "You can be anywhere you like at 6:30. I won't be there. I don't know where the kids will be. Tonight is your custody night, so I'm sure you'll figure something out."
And off she went to the attorney.
That's OK. Hopefully her attorney will remind her of her responsibilities. The worst thing that will happen is at 6:00 you'll get a call from the day-care. They'll charge you $1-$2 a minute for every minute you are late. You can present that bill to STBX or give it to your attorney to be forwarded to hers.
You know, in your place I would take as much custody of the children as I could get...up to and including 100%. I know you're worried about the damage that might do to the kids, but I wonder about the damage she might do to the kids.
We had agreed in September that, if she took M/W, even though Tuesdays are generally "her" night, that I would pick the kids up on Tues and feed them before they went to Mom's house, so that she didn't have leave work early 3 days in a row.
You know, one of those nice, cooperative, "co-parent"y things.
So, being a bit of an a**, I drew a boundary this morning. I wrote this:
"No, it's not OK. You can pick them up at child care. That agreement was predicated on the earlier understanding that you would pick them up on M/W so that I could work. You unilaterally canceled that on Sunday. So I see no reason to fulfill my end of the bargain."
Her response, calling my bluff:
"I will be there at 6:30."
To which I responded, "You can be anywhere you like at 6:30. I won't be there. I don't know where the kids will be. Tonight is your custody night, so I'm sure you'll figure something out."
Let her call the attorney.
Another thing, push for the 50/50 joint custody, don't let her get out of that, you don't care if she wants less child custody - why would you help her and enable her there.
She has kids, the responsibility of having kids is making time for them. You don't have to be nice and do the "co-parenty" thing, you know better than that.
Stop being nice. Stop doing favors.
Tell her please go to the attorney, in fact I would tell her "I encourage you to do this, I've changed my mind, you're going to have them 50% of the time whether you want to or not, you chose to have kids and be a mother, you're not going to weasel out of it now, I'll have them 50% of the time, and you will have them the other half of the time, I'm not worried about your job or your personal life especially if you don't care about mine. The kids didn't choose to be born and the kids didn't choose this divorce, you did, now live with those decisions and make the best of it, I'm not going to take the kids full time so that you can enjoy the sweet life at their expense, too bad but it's not going to work that way and I doubt very much that your attorney is going to force me to have the kids full time, in fact i'm going to tell you right now that he's going to tell you that you better take the kids 50% of the time or this is going to get very expensive for you - that's my decision, see ya, BA BYE!"
She is so used to controlling you and telling you what to do and how things are going to go that she has forgotten one little thing... you're not together anymore, she doesn't get to tell you what to do or how things are going to go anymore. She controls herself and you control you. You seriously need to push back and let her know that the kids aren't going away anytime soon, if she thinks that, she's sadly mistaken and stop doing this "nice co-parenty thing", seriously you get nothing out of that at all so stop offering!
SHEEESH!!!!
Incidentally I went through the same thing at my end, my W told me I was controlling her by making her take the kids 50% of the time, I told her in no uncertain terms that the kids need both parents and that neither of us have a choice in this, we chose to have kids and now we have to parent those kids until they're adults and I wasn't going to have the kids 80-90% of the time just so that she could have an easy life - sorry, child support dollars aren't enough, the kids need both parents - that was my decision and although she bitched and complained about her situation was hard and that her work schedule was this and that I just told her, I have to go through the same thing and I've been doing for a while already and it was time for her to be an adult and do the right thing regardless of how it affected her personal life - I seriously didn't care for her excuses, I just told her "DEAL WITH IT!"
Stop making excuses for her SP, just make her deal with it, it's the reality of the situation, you've had to deal with the "SUCK" for quite some time, you're allowed to let her experience the same thing otherwise you might as well just lay on the road and let her run over you with her SUV and get it over with.
6 months ago -- hell, 3 months ago -- if you had told me we'd be fighting over the kids, I'd have said you were nuts (no offense, @nutfarmer! ).
None taken...I'm all about my nuts .
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
"I will be there at 6:30."
To which I responded, "You can be anywhere you like at 6:30. I won't be there. I don't know where the kids will be. Tonight is your custody night, so I'm sure you'll figure something out."
And off she went to the attorney.
That's OK. Hopefully her attorney will remind her of her responsibilities. The worst thing that will happen is at 6:00 you'll get a call from the day-care. They'll charge you $1-$2 a minute for every minute you are late. You can present that bill to STBX or give it to your attorney to be forwarded to hers.
You know, in your place I would take as much custody of the children as I could get...up to and including 100%. I know you're worried about the damage that might do to the kids, but I wonder about the damage she might do to the kids.
Nut(s)
The worse thing is that she will get a call at 6pm, not SP. Inform the day care of the situation and the schedule and who they need to call on specific days, people do it, it happens regularly, it's not a big deal.
Now the "funny" thing is, I have repeatedly said we need to go to a counselor together, not because there's even the remotest chance for our M, but because from my POV it is essential that we clear out whatever resentment, anger, unfinished business there exists between us in order to insulate the parenting from them.
Her reply has repeatedly been to suggest that this is a preposterous idea, and that I must be nuts for even suggesting it (again, sorry @nutfarmer).
Maaannnn, how I hate being right.
Yes you are nuts, at this point, I don't know how you would want to spend time in a room with her talking to a counsellor about getting rid of anger, hostility & resentment and from her point of view based on your posts, she pretty much detests you, she doesn't want to spend anytime with you, regardless if there's a counsellor present or not. In fact I'll go so far as to say that she really is angry at you, maybe teaching you a "lesson" for your disobedience and spending time and dating another woman, etc. Now she wants to make your life hard, LOL, where has she been, she's been doing a good job for a year already if I'm not mistaken LOL!
You can stop allowing that at any time.
Screw the counselling, limit the conversations and the emails, not for DB efforts, just for your own peace of mind.
SP here's another small bit of advice from someone who was dealing with an extremely evil, angry, sometimes violent person who did things just to hurt me and be mean to me and is now pursuing me and being all "nicey nicey" with calls and texts and requests to spend more time with me and making everything so sugary sweet that I literally need a shot of insulin to control my blood sugar.
Here's a clue as to how bad my "spouse" was, I'd put her up against yours any day of the week in a UFC octagon cage match and I'm pretty sure mine would wipe the mat with yours ;-)
Start being aggressive, start being an a$$hole with her, give her a taste of her own medicine, repeat what she says right back to her and seriously I don't care if she calls you a "meaner" and pouts and cries afterwards.
You're just too.... nice to her (sorry I had to say it).
I can tell, even though you don't want to be you still are nice to her and guess what, wonder o wonders.... she repays your "nice-ness" with evil, anger and contempt.
You surely have seen that this isn't a coincidence.
I went from being a "nice guy" to being arrogant, cocky, head strong, uber masculine, return everything she sent at me even better.
Only then did she realize I wasn't going to deal with her crap behavior anymore. I stood up to her, on top of that I did it regularly and I cut her off everytime she tried to be mean: i knew her number, I figured out her game plan and I played the game better than her, my wife wanted to know that i meant business, she apparently wanted me to stand up for myself and give as good as I got and lived a great life on top of that.
You did a bit of that and saw some results but you slowed down a bit again and the wicked witch returned.
Up your game, not for DB'ing but to keep her in check and so that she can start respecting you regardless if she loves you or if you reconcile or divorce. Earn that respect, show her you mean business.
@robx: at this point, I don't know how you would want to spend time in a room with her talking to a counsellor about getting rid of anger, hostility & resentment and from her point of view based on your posts, she pretty much detests you, she doesn't want to spend anytime with you, regardless if there's a counsellor present or not.
I seriously think they should consider a DSM-IV category for midlife crisis (or whatever the h*ll this stuff is) because it's such a syndrome, so many predictable pathologies. With a diagnosis code, maybe it might be viewed as the devastating process that it is--and not the subject of jokes. And maybe even some treatment, if a medical model is used. Personally, I'd vote for electroconvulsive therapy.
Publication of the DSM V has been pushed back till 2013. That still gives you time to get a big pharma company in your back pocket and a few well-paid academics to make it happen. If you can't tell already, I'm seriously cynical of the writing process and even the value of the document itself.
Is mid-life crisis a "disorder", a "syndrome", or is it part of life? Sure we can identify common elements ("symptoms"?) but is it "wrong"? On the same thread, should teen-age angst be added too? How about bereavement? Homosexuality was listed as a "disorder" until 1973 when it was changed to "Sexual Disorders NOS" then 1986 it was removed entirely. Who decided it was "wrong"?
As a frequent psych customer (I wish I got frequent flyer miles) I ask myself the same question all the time - what's a normal part of life and what's over the edge? I've found the best psys are the ones who hold off on the labels.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
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