Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Evening did go well. Now I am wishing I had a device that would tell me if I am getting real feelings or being played. Cause it was one or the other tonight.

She didn't come home right away as she stated, I knew she wouldn't. It was 7:45 and I had made sure I left something for me to be doing when I heard the garage open, so I was busy when she came in. Was confident, friendly, smiling. Dinner was left for her, but not on a plate...kind of had it scattered all over for her to piece together.

A little later a classic line by D8 about will you come home early again tomorrow - because W actually made it home 15 minutes before bath and bedtime, D8 is now calling that early. That one smacked W upside the head as she had to explain that is still very late.

While the girls were getting bathed, I get confronted by W about today and what I was feeling. I told her just a wave of emotions from the memorial and it was a weak moment and I hadn't digested it all. She then told me come on, talk to me, communicate more that's what we need to work on. Ok - so here is where I need that device, being played or being honest? So I told her everything on how/what I was feeling except for anything that dealt with our R and M and my working my tail off. She listened, she seemed to understand, and then she says to me that I was going thru all this and she was in pure business mode so that didn't help at all. Which she was and I should have expected it--I told her I should have expected that, but yes that didn't help.

During this talk, the topic of church came up (I brought it up), I had this one scripted in my mind and I used it. I said I don't know how we got there, but its been years since we've gone to church and I felt a lot of guilt about that today personally and also for not exposing our kids to it. I said I want to start going to church and I want to take the girls with or without you. She said something to the effect of it would be much easier with the kids if we both went. So then I directly asked - are you willing to start going to church again with all of us. She said yes. Then we talked about the church we were at today and she mentioned there is another one she'd like to try first. Again, I need that device - am I being played or is she being sincere? I brought up going to church right after the bomb and she told me no. I didn't use the I'm taking the girls and the EA was going in full motion, so not sure what is making the biggest difference this time.

And one more interesting bit, where I told her about my conversation with her assistant and how well he did and what I talked to him about. She was very interested in that and was digging for more, so I told her everything I could remember and said that for some reason, he is very easy for me talk with. She then replied "just don't go confiding in him about us"...reference to my female co-worker that I had confided in and really pissed her off. I was cool. I said I won't, I don't need to confide in anyone, you and I need to learn to trust and confide in each other. Not sure if that is what I am supposed to say, but its way came out of my mouth pretty naturally and it was said.

She just now started the work she needs to do for the night and didn't run to the basement. I asked her if she was going to the basement tonight and she said I don't know. I offered to hang out elsewhere and give her some space so she wouldn't feel compelled to go to the basement. To be honest, that was more for me than her. I know I'm low on strength today and running to the basement has a higher anxiety effect on me...there is no reason. She can be just as devious on the computer on the main level based on where she would sit with it...its all mental...but tonight, my mental side needs a break. One last bit, that I hear more and more talk like. I was complaining about the grill tonight because only half of it will light at all and it was too dark and cold for me to try to figure out why. W then asks me, "we aren't taking that grill with us when we move are we"...there is a lot more future talk and future we talk than before which makes no sense to me because our R isn't really any further along to make her talk that way. Again, need that device - being played or is she being real

Oh and I'll keep the internet up, save that for another time. Its 1AM where the OM is, if he's willing to stay up for some on-line EA chatting, more power to him and I hope he has a crappy day tomorrow. I'll save the internet is down for when it'll impact things more. I really doubt they'll be communicating tonight unless she sends him an e-mail to read in the morning.

Thanks to all for helping me through a very rough and emotional day

[sandi2]

I am nice

and TM W to ask if she wants a starbucks.

Stop TMing W!

Not pursuing, but what I have done every weekend and she would do the same

Yes it is! You are finding excuses to contact her.

So I tell her I'll take them to McDonalds to play.

You are rescuing your W. She needs to be forced into her role of responsibility of a parent. You are covering for her.

This is also one of the first times in a long time where I created a situation where she could make contact with OM and I didn't even think about it or worry about it

A good sign of growth for you.

Something is going on in her brain, don't have a clue what. She never used to be so impatient, she never used to get so upset so quickly when the kids were being kids, and she never used to spend so little time with them.

That happens when a person is living a double life.

I fully now realize there is nothing I can do, but make sure I am filling in for the kids and they see no gap in attention and love.

I hope you really do realize that. As long as you do what a father needs to do with his kids and give them all the love and attention that you can, that's great. Just don't do it by way of rescuing her. Do you see the difference? Maybe you were not rescuing her when you took them to McDonalds, but it looked that way to me. Any time something is suppose to be her responsibility--and you do it her, then it rescues her from her problems.

[sandi2]

I asked her if she was going to the basement tonight and she said I don't know. I offered to hang out elsewhere and give her some space so she wouldn't feel compelled to go to the basement.

Don't do that. If she goes to the basement, fine.....if she doesn't then you should not have to accomadate for her. Live your own life and let her work around you instead of the other way around.

P.S. If you left to go get an ice cream cone and there was snow on the ground....that would cause even more mystery!

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - maybe your right, now sure. Maybe a little of both, I really felt compelled to get out of the house those days, I wanted to get away from her

[gutwrenching]

NEED ADVICE PLEASE - I am calm, surprisingly calm. I snooped a bit this morning on the item that still has my curiousity, the pay as you go phone. In a different spot in backpack but still in there. I had more time to snoop around. Interesting. Hasn't been used that much, even back before exposure. But it was used on Friday to call OM, for 18 minutes, at 6:40 PM. That was it. I was actually surprised. Only use since Nov. Unless others have been erased, didn't have time to see if the phone has that capability. Battery still almost dead on it.

Next interesting bit - so I look back to Friday expecting to see me posting about her good mood. Not at all. That was the night I called her out on being bitchy. That was the night she was so tense that she had to take a muscle relaxer that carried into the next morning. She wasn't exactly overly friendly on saturday either except when I took the kids to McDonalds.

So now what do I do. Not sure. Do I monitor, do I confront, do I wait till post funeral to confront. Do I keep my mouth shut and see what the phone will show after her 5 day trip. Do I make the phone disappear. Do I call that phone number a time or two while she is on her trip (now that I have the phone number). Do I send OM an e-mail letting him know how ballsy he is and remind him how much he has to lose. Do I contact OMs wife. Do I just let it going, knowing if she is going to contact him, I can't stop it, and just try DBing more and hope I become the better option. Do I ignore for now...I guess this isn't bothering me but a little because I was so sure it was going on, this only confirms it. I guess I'm almost surprised at how little it has gone on.
If I can get to the phone 1 more time, and get the serial # on it, I can set up an account on line and monitor it...unless she already has set up an on-line account. Hard to say but I doubt it because for quite a while I was able to and was monitoring her internet activity and there was nothing in terms of wathcing an account. That and there are a TON of minutes left on it. 700+ minutes.

I guess it has been more e-mail/internet chatting than anything.
I'm not going to react on this one, but W probably leaves tomorrow morning for funeral just as another data point. A part of me says now would be the wrong time to bring it up, this trip is for the family that has it much worse off than I do.

I'm really doing ok with this right, not fabulous, but ok. It might start eating at me later, not sure.
Got a little of that sinking feeling in my gut, but that is it. I am not distraught.

[gutwrenching]

I was too tired to go get an ice cream cone, but I have to remember to do that one day. When she asks why I went, what is the best answer you think?

[gutwrenching]

Any time something is suppose to be her responsibility--and you do it her, then it rescues her from her problems

I never thought of it that way. Wow. Guess you are right.
Sandi - two questions for you:
1) thoughts on cell phone
2) what about the upcoming trip and contacting her or not. I previously wrote one the straws that broke the camel's back was the fact when we were apart this summer, I didn't make enough of an effort to contact. So do I contact some or do I wait for her to initiate and then keep it going, or do I try to minimize or...

On the cell phone issue, I am really stumped. I would really like to see if we get anywhere once this whole suicide mess is behind us and we start working out together as planned and going to church together as planned and as I hopefully detach more and more.

lastly - this morning I did not cover her responsibilities. She was mad because she had too much too do and too little time. Gee, maybe that is because she went to bed at 0230 last night...the only thing I did for which is what I do every single morning is pour coffee in her travel mug at the same time I pour mine. But she was running around, running late, and not happy about it.

The hugs goodbye and at night have completely ceased again. And I am not initiating or even hinting at them...waiting for her to come to me.

[Lost Rabbit]

Blimy youve had a lot going on today! I'd just keep going along the same way you are, obviously W will be away for the funeral so you will have some time on your own, dont dwell on what she is up just get on with GAL with the kids and doing your best.

If and its a big IF you find lots of contact on the PAYG phone with OM when she returns I do think its time to get some big boundaries in place regarding the phone but till then dont give yourself extra things to worry about.

Well done for handling today, emotions do get us in a pickle some days, but you got your head round them and controlled yourself. Keep at it youre doing well!

[gutwrenching]

One more thing that just hit me, not sure why this didn't register prior. Last night when we were talking about churces and stuff, she mentioned to me that the Pastor from the memorial service had offered to talk/counsel anyone on anything. She said soemthing to the effect of you could go see him. I don't think there was a we in there and I'm not sure what the you could go see him was implying, but now I'm wondering if I should have or still should ask if W is willing to go see him together for MC. Part of me thinks she's probably not in a place for MC but I'm no expert here, and part of me wonders if we we'd be better off with a professional instead of a pastor, but maybe I shouldn't be choosy.

So, add that to my list of advice requests: do I ask her about MC tonight, thoughts on the pay as go phone, and looking for Sandi's thoughts about contact on the trip.

Thanks again

Still doing ok, the phone thing still bugging me a little but not a ton. Guess I am very curious as to why there was a phone call on Friday but none on Sat or Sun when there was essentially the entire day where W was by herself.

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - crud, one more, I wish I could combine some of my posts so there wouldn't be so many. BUt I keep thinking about the ice cream cone idea and there very well could be that opportunity tonight, hard to say, but if there is, what a perfect time to create mystery, right before she leaves on a trip. Normally, I would never go do something like that w/o asking her if she wants something. But am I right to assume that I should not ask her, I should just leave. And if she calls to ask me where I left for, and I tell her, do I then ask if she wants something also? I wish I had the energy and thougts to do that last night, it was about 2 degrees outside with snow on ground, but I was so emotionally drained that I didn't have much left in the tank.