I have found that the people in my life (family, kids, friends, students) respond much better to me when i say
you know what???I made a mistake and I handled this wrong and I don't want you to think it is OK...then I list what I did wrong and how it hurt them and me
I can be mean sometimes too and i am always sorry for being mean because usually it isn't the other person I want to be mean to...usually it is something that is bothering me and I take it out on other people
saying it outloud reminds not just me but other people that maybe it is not ok to do that
(for instance...my son was being sloppy headed and didn't get his stuff done even though i reminded him several hundred times...i let lose on him and called him a nasty name (dumbhead or soemthing) but really...while i was angry at him because he was irresponsible, I was more angry that it seemed like a reflection of me and or my parenting, you know...i told him i was sorry and he wasn't a dumbhead, i was just freustrated because it seemed like i cared more about his school stuff than he did and maybe i did but that was my problem and if he chose to fail, that was his choice, not mine)
maybe an approach like that would work with your older kids
