Yours was one of the first threads I read here when I arrived last month, and I've followed along with interest because a lot of your situation resonates. I thought I was doing the right thing as a husband, father, provider, giving her whatever she wanted, etc and was convinced that was enough to "fill my wifes love tank".
Originally Posted By: Tridoc
Being a masculine man with boundaries who will protect her is what she wants.
I realize everyone is different, but this is ground truth for me. I read your posts after returning from Cancun, and agree with Robx that where you are now is a DIRECT result of the work you have been doing for yourself. You became more attractive to your wife because of your boundaries, because you had self respect, and because you know what you want, and how to go get it. I'm a Navy guy, my career was flying Navy jets on and off of aircraft carriers in all weather and around the world, and being calm, cool, collected and confident was literally a life and death matter sometimes. I know how to do those things, but somehow in the M, I lost that, and now I'm working on getting it back, and its working wonders for the R, without ever talking about the R.
The things you've done for you (kids, balance in work, balance in training) can't go away, but there does seem to be a delicate transition between full on DB'ing (or affair busting) and reconcilliation or repairing the relationship. I guess here is where you go back and do what works (and avoid what didn't work).
Was it normal for you to cancel a lunch date? If so, then W may see that as a "he'll never change", so if it turns out you can't make it, then I'd say you should do something else to account for that. Not pursue, not grovel, just profess regret you couldn't do lunch, and instead you'd like to _______.
Originally Posted By: Tridoc
I told her that I trust her 100% and I layed my phone on the counter to reveal my transparency so she can do the same with me.
I dunno about this. My W actually had the PA/EA (for 13 months) and got busted, and early on I offered her forgiveness out of desperation to maintain the status quo or to try and rebuild the shattered illusion that was lying in pieces all around me. She had (and is having) great difficulty in giving that up, even though she seems to realize OM was a fantasy and that the reality she had was pretty good. That early forgiveness was cheap forgiveness, and didn't really ring true, but was rather me trying to control the situation. Not saying this is true for you, but it resonated for me when I read it.
This 100% trust is where I'd like to go, but its ok (for me and for you, i think) to not be there right now, especially with reasonable and enforceable boundaries in place. I'd be careful with this one. It's ok that she's plan A, and that you love her unconditionally, and that you don't plan to see other women, but you're still coming from a place of great uncertainty, and part of the issue was that she lost track of seeing you for who you really are and that someone else might be better. That's not 100% trustable, at least not for a while, imho. I'm pulling for you.
P.S. The gym coach story on the plane was priceless, but that must have sucked. Still, I got a good laugh, and surely we've all seen a train wreck like that where you just couldn't look away from the carnage!
