Ah "solitude" this is a very familair word to me. Mine also told me that he had become a very "solitary person". I think the difference now is they come to a realization that he they aren't just "solitary" they are ALONE. He told me that he was afraid to give up his solitude and now he is afraid of growing old alone. I do think that the fact your husband seeks you out and that he can also tell you he loves you are very big things.
Yes my husband had 2 affairs (that I know of) during our marriage and 3 since, but this solitude that he talked about and was so afraid of losing, has kept him from being able to make a real connection. Sometimes I have even thought that because of his relationship with his Mother he really didn't like women. So he would use them. In fact on our very first joint counseling session our counselor had him pegged. She told me that ours would be his deepest emotional connection because she felt that he was that damaged. What was his response? Silence.
Would I have filed? Probably. Everyone has a breaking point. Besides, my kids needed to have their Mom back. Someone told me in the beginning that, "kids can survice and even thrive if they have at least 1 strong parent". How can our kids ever be truly happy unless they know that we are going to be ok?
In the beginning my very well meaning friends were trying to set me up constantly. It was uncomfortable and I wasn't ready. Heck if left up to me I might have never been ready. Sometimes things just happen and through business this man walked into my life more as a friend than as a romance. Maybe without any expectations or pressure, it felt different. I believe that everyone is brought into our life for a reason and that there are no accidents, so I try to be open to that. Even with everything that has happened, all of the pain and sadness, I have met the most amazing people throughout this, and I've learned something from everyone of them.
Keep your chin up and be still. You've obviously done something right if he is able to see (and voice) that he does know he loves you. So many people here would love to hear those words.
Actually if I had to put a timeframe to ex's crisis I would say that it really started about 10 years ago. I just didn't have a clue. It took him a couple more years until he said that it was his turn, always took care of everyone else, needed to see what was out there and ILYBNILWY. By this time he was in full fledged replay and really didn't care who knew.
My H also said he'd always had to take care of others, and now it was his time to do what he wanted--it is part of the script. But I'm not sure he really ever was taking care of others. It was more that he was a people-pleaser, who assumed that people wanted him to behave in certain ways. He wasn't actually looking after his wife and family, for example, because he'd put everyone else first (boss, neighbours, etc).
As is so often, it all originated in his relationship with his mother, who would hit him and yell at him to relieve her frustrations. So he'd had to repress his own needs, starting as a child, in order to cater to her emotions.
It was necessary for him to go through a re-do of the rebellious teenaged years (during his MLC) to stop putting anyone else's needs ahead of his own. So, even though the MLC years were full of selfishness, overspending, an OW who wanted to be adored but give nothing back--he had to go through all that in order to TRULY be able to take care of himself, and so be able to care for others.
Yes, I've heard that 7+ years isn't uncommon. The guy who started the other board (and so has access to a lot of MLCers) claims that 4.5 years is about average. But where do you measure from and to? My H's "tunnelling" (measured from the day his mom died until the time he decided to work on our M) lasted just under 4 years ... but it took him another 2 years after that to process everything he'd done and then forgive himself. And I'm not sure how many years there were before the crisis began when he was feeling somewhat restless, dissatisfied, envious of others, and perhaps vaguely wondering whether he was missing something.
So, essentially, the whole MLC lasts as long as the teen years themselves! I sometimes wonder whether the length of time the MLCer is in the tunnel corresponds to exactly how horrible his/her childhood/mistreatment was....
I guess the upside to all this is to note that it usually takes a lot less time for the LBS to sort themselves out--experience and come to terms with the grief, master the difficult art of detachment, learn to nurture the forgotten parts of themselves--and in the process truly "grow up."
You've really got it down! I remember asking my T why some guys can buy a motorcyle or a sports car and that will just about do it for their crisis. She believed that the more damaged the worse the crisis. So what you're saying is that besides the 4 years your H also had those 2 extra years of working on himself. So would you say a total of 6 years?
My ex is very weak. He's always been this way I just didn't want to see it. His way of dealing and being strong was to tell me how he wanted things handled and then send me on my way to do it. I guess I lost something in the interpretation, huh?
Forward,
Have you ever read, I mean really taken time to read some of the posts on Piecing? Some of the story's are heartbreaking. I've often thought that living with a spouse who hasn't worked through their baggage would be so draining and gut wrenching. Oneday they want to be there and the next they want a divorce. Better for them to take the time then to comeback before they are ready.
How can any LBS make longterm plans or even more than that start to make a life. That's an awful lot of living in Limbo.
Yes, I'd say my H took at least 6 years to work through his issues.
It's interesting that your T felt that the more damaged the man, the longer the journey. In addition, I've read that a certain amount of self-awareness shortens the journey: the man who recognizes that HE's depressed and is able to reassess his life at its midpoint may be satisfied with a motorcycle, changes to his routine, etc. However, the guy who can't take responsibility for his feelings blames the world as he refuses to entertain any thought that his unhappiness comes from within rather than without, and so is swept kicking and screaming into a very deep depression.
You say your H was always a weak man. I came to the same conclusion during my H's MLC ("Why did I never notice he was so weak? Or so selfish?"). In retrospect, however, I think these traits became much worse during his depression. And one of the ways I became sure that he was recovering from his MLC was that he became stronger: readier to put his own needs and the needs of his family first, able to stand up to his manipulative boss, etc. Even apologizing for hurting me so deeply during his MLC was a sign of new-found strength, as was his greater self-understanding.
Do you feel your H is and will always be weak, or has he demonstrated any growth? Also, has he come to any resolution on his feelings towards his mother?
