They have partitioned off their life into segments so that one part need have nothing to do with the other. You have been put into your own little section, and that section has nothing to do with her other sections.
In this way they can do what they choose to do apart from you, then turn around and speak to you nice and pleasant as though they've done nothing wrong. In their mind, they HAVE done nothing wrong.
You get the backlash when you are so bold as to say or do something that causes YOUR section of their life to intrude on other sections of their life.
That is not allowed. And it will provoke anger and vitriol.
Bradley, this "change" that has come over your wife is very much like the change that came over my ex. Never in a million years would I have believed my ex to be capable of doing and saying the things she did after her change.
Her absolute mental and emotional chaos is exactly why you will best handle this by getting extremely comfortable and secure in who you are, who you want to be, and what it is you want and are willing to accept in your life. That strong foundation in you will help you to be able to weather the storms that will come from your wife.
The best thing my therapist ever told me wheile I was going through this mess was, "Why does every conversation or interaction with your wife have to be either a positive or negative contribution to the chances of you getting back together?"
Most stuff just simply is. Accept the good with a grain of salt, avoid the bad like the plague.
That is certainly a prescription that leads to better health.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
she has stayed up there a number of weekends when I am on call.
I told her from here on out the OM cannot have any contact with my kids, except perhaps in passing. he has already insterted himself as a surrogate father and I can't have that any more. He spent all weekend with them last weekend. can't have that any more.
I told her that she needs to come down this weekend so that the boys can be with me when I'm on call.
talked this morning and she said, "I was planning on it, and I told you I would."
not true... but whatever. at least I will get to see my boys this weekend and that is what matters now.
The best thing my therapist ever told me wheile I was going through this mess was, "Why does every conversation or interaction with your wife have to be either a positive or negative contribution to the chances of you getting back together?"
At one point I even kept a scorecard: positive, negative, or neutral (+/0/-) on a daily basis.
What a newb I was!!!!
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
thank you for the support-- but this job is a dead end anyhow.
I need to find another job... in another city-- and there isn't one where she is.
thus the stress of trying to figure out what avenue I go. do I try and get data of the affair, go through a messy divorce to try and get the kids to then come with me to some random city? do I give up cardiac to move to another town to be where my kids are but do a job that is not exactly what I trained to do (maybe). the surgeon there is really nice and very much is trying to get me to go there. so at least I'd have one good friend up there! actually many of the surgeons there are good guys and want me there... that is a bonus as well.
Your kids are the most important thing! Don't forget that.
As far as your job goes all I was saying is where there is a will there is a way. Maybe something will work out for the best maybe it won't. But the first sentence is the most important.
This may come across as harsh. That is not really my intention.
But I have noticed a few things, maybe because I am a woman but…
First, are you defined by your job? Is it who you are? Or are you a husband, father, man, and then a dr?
If your job defines you, then I see where your hesitation lies. If it doesn’t and the other things do, then any job, even that of garbage man should do. As long as you are with your kids and family.
Second, I have noticed that you seem to put a lot of emphasis on how women look. You have mentioned several times how stunning your W is, and you even made comment to how good your step grandmother looks, at 70. Those are wonderful things, that people take care of themselves physically, but outer beauty, really is only that, outer beauty.
Does your W feel like you think she is beautiful on the inside? Have you ever shown her that you see her as a person? Do you even know her well enough to be able to say that you think she is a beautiful person, have you ever looked beyond her looks? I mean really looked.
In my life, one person, only one person, has ever made me feel beautiful. Inside and out. To the point that I actually believe it. Sure I know that I am physically attractive. But this is more than that. What this person sees in me, brings out in me, makes me believe, is that I am beautiful, even my quirks (of which there are a lot). That person is not my H. Or any person in my family. It is just a wonderful person, a dear friend, a person that I will always cherish.
I point this out to you simply because this is the type of work we are talking about. Mirror work. When you can look at yourself, see how you really are, and make changes that you think you can make, if you think they are necessary, then you can really begin to move through this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
