Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, once again thank you for your advice. Keep the 2x4s coming.

In my state, a couple has to be separated for one year before D can be filed. So right now she is asking for separation agreement. I don't have to sign as it dosesn't really matter for the legal time to get D. So right now she can't do much of anything.

I do need to go back to NC, you're right again. I need to concentrate on me. I would like to get to the point where I can accept that it might take 2 years and if takes a shorter amount of time then great.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I told my W that I was willing to sign separation agreement and also told her about dating other people that it would shock and or giver her a sense of loss right now? She seems so focued on her that I think she would just say ok and wish me the best. I don't know?

When we talked on the phone a couple days again about the meeting, my W told me that we are in two different places right now. I'm sure she meant that this is what she wants and I don't. I will take the advice of my new friends on this board and be strong, go NC and take care of myself. I will continue to pray that one day my W will come around but not obsess on it anymore.

[mza8]

Quick update. Hadn't heard anything from W over the weekend about the meeting or anything else until she emailed last night. She told me she did finish reading my email from last week. She thought we should meet with my counselor next. She also said she would meet with my counselor first if I wanted her to. I emailed her back and asked why she wanted to meet in counseling. I'm sure it's for closure for her. She hasn't emailed back yet and also hasn't brought up meeting about dividing things up either. Interesting. Maybe she figures she needs to have this counseling session with me first now before the other meeting? I'm not kidding myself that her intentions for this counseling session are for anything other than closure but it sure would be nice if she wanted to talk with an open mind. If she does email me back and say it's for closure I don't think I will meet. My counselor said that's not a good if I want to save the marriage.

I spent the weekend doing things for me and not trying to think about W. It's hard at times. I re-read some of DB and DR. I know they say that it's possible for WAS to change their mind but the way my W is acting right now it sure doesn't seem like that is possible. Trying to concentrate on me now and take care of my life. I keep reminding myself that W and I have only been apart for 11 weeks so it's still very early in the process and hoepfully my W will come around in time. Her father told me that I need to establish a track record over time to show my W my consistent changes. He said I don't have one yet. Felt like telling him that's what I'm doing now so give me time to show it consistently.

[mza8]

Just needed to vent. W emailed me this morning that she wants to go to counseling to answer my questions and to tell me where she is coming from. She also said she knows I don't want to move forward with the separation but she does. She says she is more comfortable discussing this in counseling. Big shock there as she can'd do anything lately without a support blanket. Then she talks about dividing our things again. She emails me a couple hours later and tells me she took some bills out of her name today. Nice woman. Can't believe I devoted my life to this woman for 19 years.

I have so many emotions right now...anger, frustration, sadness, despair, etc. I have received advice from people that tell me not to go to couseling if it's just for my W to bring closure. They tell me to tell my W that I don't agree with the separation and that I want to work on our marriage. I understand the she does not share my same feelings at this time but I will continue to work to save our marriage.

I don't know what to do here. In some ways I want to ask her my questions and hear what she says. On the other hand I want to save my marraige and I don't think it's a good idea to go to counseling for her closure. Like I said, it's very difficult to imagine my W reconciling down the road as she seems so confident, calm and emotionless right now. I'm also not sure if agreeing to dividing up our things now is what I should do. I think that maybe if we get past this hurdle then she might relax and feel that I'm not trying to evade her which might cause resentment towards me and hurt chances of reconciliation? I'm sure my W is thinking I will resist. Should I do the opposite and agree to talking about dividing our things? Just can't understand how determined she is right now. I know there's a long way to go before a D but man does it feel like an impossibility right now to turn this around.

Help! I could use some advice today. Sandi are you our there today? I would also be interested in hearing from some of the other veterans like Puppy, Gnosis, TrentC, Coach, Greek and others...sorry if I'm forgetting anyone. You've all given some great advice to others on this board.

[sandi2]

Why did you agree to go to C before you asked her why she wanted to go?

[mza8]

I think it's time I tell my W taht I'm not going to play by her rules. Feeling like it't time to email her today and tell her a few things. First, I will reinforce that I do not want this separation and do not want the D. I will tell her that I am sorry that she is unwilling to work on our marriage at this time. I will not understand why she chose to run from this marriage but that is her decision. I will tell her that I am moving on/forward with my life and that I wish her the best and then I will say my goodbye.

Sandi, what do you think? Can you comment on my last few posts too? Thank you.

[mza8]

Sandi, I didn't agree to counseling, sorry if I was confusing about that. I told her I would go to C for repairing the M, not for closure. I wanted to make sure I understood her reasons for C first. Now that she has once again told me her reasons I don't think it's a good idea to go. My DB coach said my W will just use it as an excuse to say she tried C and not to go to C for anything else but to repair M.

If I send my W this email today I will tell her that I will always be open to discussing saving our M but for now it's clear that is not what she wants to for now I will say goodbye.

[thegoodfight]

Good morning,

I do not have the whole sitch, but I read through this thread! A couple of suggestions, may be redundent, but none the less! If she wants a seperation, give it to her! If you have already told her you are not wanting this, you have made your point! She needs a constant security blanket, until that stops, you will make no progress.

So how do you get rid of the Security blankets, hmmm how about not trying to change her mind! Let her make the decisions, yes you have to deal with the money and not lose your shirt in the process! But I would recommend stopping the rest. Personally if I were you I would wait on the counseling, as it will probably hurt to hear what she has to say!

Easier said then done, but start on you, continue excersise, relationship books, IC, Pastor, etc! Pray, focus on you and being whole again on your own! Let her go, give it to God! You can change you, she can change herself, you can not change her mind! She must do that! It sucks, it hurts, you will get through it, it may turn out the way you want it too right now. In a few months you may see it will turn it out the way that is best for you!

Facebook is great tool to get in touch with friends, she needs them right now! It is also a great way to start online relationships, yes you don't want to hear it! Stay away from it and any other temptations that can swing your mood! Right now pride, jealousy, envy, anger, and sadness will try and take a foothold in your life! Do not let them! Deal with it, work through it, and keep your focus on becoming the person you want to be! The rest will work out the best it can given the situation! You have my prayers!

[mza8]

tgf, thank you. Could please explain a bit more about the security blanket? Do you mean that the separation is her security blanket or that my not wanting the separation is her security blanket? Once her security blanket is gone then she might begin to think differently? I'm thinking that telling her I'm moving on that it might shock her. Sandi indicated my W need to be shocked at this time.

Really hard to let go. Anyone else let go and their WAS then began to try to work on the M?

[jasper67]

I dont want to answer for tgf, but everything you do for W is part of the security blanket, your gestures, attention, accomodations, presence, texting, calls, emails, etc.

Our W's are the same- you described her as calm, confident and emotionless- spot on. My sitch involves an EA/PA- haven't caught up on yours completely.

What's helped me is validation, NO R TALK, NO PURSUING, GAL-
I've slipped up plenty of times, but these things have brought the stress down, and i'm not so emotional and acting crazy.

[sandi2]

mza, I think you may be wanting to email her b/c you are acting out of emotions and that is not a good thing. Take at least a couple of days to think it through.

I will reinforce that I do not want this separation and do not want the D.

Not a good idea. It will make you look either controlling or needy. She already knows that you don't want a S or D, so why "reinforce" it?

I will tell her that I am sorry that she is unwilling to work on our marriage at this time.

Why? What good would it do to tell her "you" are the one sorry for how "she" feels? Makes no sense. Puts you at a disadvantage and makes you look weak.

I will not understand why she chose to run from this marriage but that is her decision.

All of this is R talk and you are suppose to stay away from it.

I will tell her that I am moving on/forward with my life and that I wish her the best and then I will say my goodbye.

You've contradicted yourself b/c you have just reinforced that you do not want a S or D, so she won't believe this part.

I strongly advise not to email her unless it is about finances. Stay away from R talk.