After about 3 months, I think I have finally detached. I have had several opportunities over the last few days to "snoop", yet I haven't. This may be because of a comfort level I feel having him under the same roof, or I just don't want to hurt myself anymore than necessary at this time.
Last night, after being so kind about our dog during the day, my husband did an about face. I asked him if he would be able to help me with her recovery and he replied "I may have something to do then". I was more than annoyed, yet I completely let it go accepting that I would have to be the responsible party once again for realities of our lives, as I have been since October. He has done nothing to provide for our daily lives in terms of caring for the home, finances, animals, cars, family, etc.
He then proceeded to tell me that he was going to try to make arrangements to stay somewhere else for a while, but will be returning because, afterall, this is his house too. Once again, I was irritated by the statement as this home is not a hotel and he cannot live or not live here as he pleases. I said that is fine with me and was completely unemotional about the whole thing. Is he just trying to make jabs at me??? He also wanted to clarify with me that he was not abandoning the marital residence either. I have a sneaking suspicion that the OW is still in the picture regardless of her disdain for some of his actions and she is probably incredibly annoyed that he is at the house. Is he buying more time perhaps to sit on the fence for longer????
Well, I think I am detached at this point. Maybe I'm just so exhausted by the rollercoaster that I just don't care either way at this point. I have a little less than apathy right now. I do love my husband and that goes without saying and I would love nothing more than for him to come home to our M. I just can't keep up with his emotions and the contradictory actions/statements. I continue to pray every day for our M, my husband, and healing for both of us.
Books that helped me: -Five Love Languages-Gary Chapman -Fighting For Your Marriage-Howard Markman et al(good for how to active/listen and validate..) -Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus-John Gray -How to Improve or Marriage without Talking about It-Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
I thought there was good stuff in these books to help me in my communication with others including my H..
Be easy on yourself if you find yourself less "detached" down the road...detachment is easy when you are angry/tired and less easy when you are lonely/hurt... For me, it seems to come and go..more consistent detachment now than early into this.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Here we go again. I have been GAL-ing and going out with friends. For so long in our marriage, my life revolved around my husband and I spent all my time with him at home. He has commented before that when I went out for cocktail hour that he just knew that I was getting checked out and it bothered him a little. He also mentioned to others he thinks I am seeing someone else because I'm always perfectly manicured at all times now as opposed to running out of the house without my hair and makeup done like I used to if it was just a small errand. As you can recall, he came home Saturday declaring that this was his house too and he would stay in it if he wanted to. I went out this evening and without warning walked in the house to see my husband had packed his overnight things and moved out. Surprise to me, but even more of a surprise because of how I felt about it.
I may shock some of you all with this next statement, but I'm a bit relieved. I didn't want him to be home and still not be a part of this marriage. I didn't want to live where I felt he was constantly hostile. Oddly enough as I was driving home tonight and saying a prayer for my husband, he texted me just to let me know that he took out the dogs, but made no mention of the fact he would no longer be living here. He left that gem for me to find out when I got home. He hadn't sent me a text since last week or called really for that matter since he has been in the house. I think that the unannounced move out was to try and make me angry. Well, backfired because I'm totally okay with it. To be honest, it was much harder having him home and being a complete jack ass and also knowing that perhaps he is still with the OW. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. Any thoughts on this one?
In my experience, it was easier living day-to day with H gone, especially when he was hostile/depressed..living on eggshells is no easy task and its tiring to be always "on"...but once H left and the contact diminished, well, that was hard too!
Anger will get you only so far in detachment..then the real internal work starts to truly detach...
When they are with the OW, its probably easier that they are gone, but every person's situation is different..
Out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind.
To be angry is understandable, just try not to act out of anger.
Focus on improving you, for your sake and no one elses.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I agree. I am flip flopping in between being okay with him gone and really missing him to the point it is painful.
I have gone dark in an effort to detach. I'm mainly exhausted by all this. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday. I also am doing better about getting out the house. However, he has come over to our home when I was not here. He took the garbage out and did a few miscellaneous things. I mentioned to a mutual friend that I wasn't feeling well on Saturday and he sent me a text and called to see how I was. They went unanswered by me. So, he stopped by just to check in unannounced for a minute and I thanked him and he went on his way. Other texts have been sent to me, but I have continued to leave them unanswered.
Don't know where to go from here????? Do I just have to be? Another thing I am struggling with is the thought of moving on. Not that it's hard, that it may be getting easier as each day passes and I replay the hurtful things he has said and done in the past few months. I want my marriage to work, but I am feeling myself becoming disenchanted more each day. Is this detachment? Is this just a phase?
C, It's normal to flip flop back and forth. It's an emotional coaster ride from h@ll. Detaching is one of the ways to help you get your feet back on solid ground. If you are becoming disenchanted, it could very well mean you are beginnning to task of detaching.
No matter what he says, he's still very concerned about you, i.e, the call to see how you are doing, etc. If you do not wish to take the calls, then don't. It's up to you. If you do not wish to have him appear unannounced, you will need to set your boundaries and explain to him why you wish for him to notify you in advance. After all, do you go to his abode unannounced?
It's up to you what you want to do...if you feel up to taking a call or two, by all means do so. The ball is in your court as to how you want to deal w/your runaway.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not much going on in this neck of the woods. Went completely dark with my H and I think it is starting to get to him. He had the unannounced visit a few days ago which bothered me. Also, he has been baby stepping in his communication with me that I generally leave unanswered or wait some time to get back to him via text or email.
Last night he sent me a text that said, "Coming by at 7. I need to give you something". My heart jumped at the thought of what it could be. I figured it could only be something negative or that would upset me. I texted back "Not there. Leave upstairs." I'm not ready to face him because I just don't really know how to react towards him after I have let everything really sink in. Additionally, he sent me an email yesterday morning asking when the dogs vet appointments were after telling me he would probably be "doing something" during her recovery a few days earlier. Seemed he didn't care before, but now he wants to know all about it.
On a lighter note, yesterday was the first day in months I woke up with a new lease on life. I felt good??? Not just good, but GREAT! I'm not sure how exactly that tiny bit of healing transpired, but was relieved to feel it again. I'm pretty sure it's not just the antidepressants either!
Oh, he had to leave me his W2. Nothing horrid like I thought it would be. I figured it would be some sort of separation agreement or forms to sign myself from beneficiary of life insurance and retirement (which by the way, I'll sign those over my cold dead body!)
On a lighter note, yesterday was the first day in months I woke up with a new lease on life. I felt good??? Not just good, but GREAT! I'm not sure how exactly that tiny bit of healing transpired, but was relieved to feel it again. I'm pretty sure it's not just the antidepressants either!
Do you see any relationship with what you did above?
