Please, I would like to hear some stories of people who have had or is still in a relationship with a bipolar spouse. Please tell me your experience and your advise on how to make it work when they push you away.
My W is clinically deppressed. I can't exactly relate to the bi-polar disorder, but there would likely need to be a different approach when SP is manic vs. down.
Is your spouse seening a Dr.? Are his meds in order? Does he take his meds? Does he abuse alcohol or drugs?
These are some important factors, as alchohol and narcotics may negate the effect of his prescribed meds.
Read through these forums they will give you info and insight on what you can do for yourself. If you haven't read the books, that is a great place to start as well.
It's important that you don't push your spouse away by throwing these things in his face, or insisting he seek help, etc. Also, find where most probs tend to happen (arguments and such). When they occur see your part in things and just try to do things differently, don't engage him, or allow yourself to be trapped.
I'm very much a newcomer so I would rec you see what some other members say as well.
My W was diagnosed with bipolar 16 years ago, one year into our marriage. She had a manic episode involving an affair. It was a rough time, and I ultimately decided to work on the relationship with her, as I was optimistic about her treatment. Our agreement was that we would always talk about any changes to her meds. However, I also understood that talking about her bipolar was a big problem, and that I needed to avoid directly talking about it, other than our agreement about the meds.
Over the years I've spent a lot of time reading about BiPolar, and trying to understand my W and how to help her. I know realize that I understood very little, and my "help" has been a major problem in our M.
Your spouse is pushing you away? Sounds familiar! I've held out hope for 17 years that she would finally let me in. You are need to seriously rethink how your communication. Even though it's more about BorderlinePersonalityDisorder, I recommend the book "stop walking on eggshells".
If you tell me more about your sitch, I can likely be more useful.
you might also want to do a search for posts by "countingcrows"
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
No he's not taking medicine. He stopped taking medicine before we got together and he told me he was diagnosed but it was a wrong diagnosis. But by his behavior and his emotional highs and lows it's not really hard to see that the diagnosis is correct.
I went to visit my brother for new years since we had been fighting. I left my phone so I think that made very angry. I called him the next day to see how he was doing and to tell him that I missed him. He was furious and was yelling and screaming on the phone. Not sure if the fact that I left pushed him over the edge. He didn't want me to come back home but the kids school started calling asking where the kids were or else they would call the city. So I went back home and he was furious.
He remembers everything negative I've done. He is very recentful and to top it off he doesn't forget and let go. He asked me to quit thousands of times to the point where we would fight and I would be driving to work with a massive headache. Not sure if he asked me to work so that I felt forced to leave the house. But I quit and two weeks later he tells me he needs space and that we're done.
When I would work he would send me 1000 texts a day while I was at work. If I didn't reply he would send me pictures of himself crying. He was on a happy fase when we met and got married. But now he's on a depression fase because he doesn't want to see him and says he hates me for not understanding him. I told him if he would have told me the diagnosis was right I would have handled things very differently and would have waited to get together until after I saw his depression and mania fase. He said well now you know.
I can't trust him, I don't know if he'll decide to get up and go out of the blue like he did. He asks me to quit my job and fought endlessly until I did, so that 2 weeks later after my final day he would say "I need space". I have my kids to support and i trusted him! I feel so bad and abandoned. He won't call me, but I've called him several times. I want to talk to get some clarity about what's going on and where are we going with this SPACE. In his facebook he took off married to and has it blank. So to me, it's over. Not sure if I'm overeacting ornot giving him the space he needs. But I feel entitled to at least some clarity on what's going on.
I definitely don't think it's good that he stopped taking his meds. Bi-Polar is treatable, but one of the most difficult things is getting the person with bi-polar to stay on the medicines. During a manic phase, they may feel empowered and like they don't need any medicine. For my W, it's was a very difficult thing for her to deal with the idea that she has an illness that will be with for for her entire life. Without the meds...she is very difficult to deal with.
Absolutely I think you need to give your husband space, unless you think he is in danger.
How long have you been married? Have you considered some IC for yourself?
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Also, I left everything to be with him. Family, friends, kids school, and moved 100 miles away to be with him. He always acted so charming and sweet. But I also feel he has controling personality. In an argument for the smallest thing you can imagine, he makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world. He asked me to stop working and wanted full control of the finances, so I did it for the sake of not arguing. He didn't like it when I would go visit family, this is why I think my visit to my brothers house made him so angry. He cries and acts very hurt if I don't do as he wants. He tells me I'm so mean and that I'm the most angry person he's ever met.
Sometimes I think I have problem because he told me I probably have PTSD and that's why I don't understand him. I had a bad marriage in the past. But my ex and I talk because of our kids. He hates the fact that my kids are still envolved with their dad. But their dad loves them and will always be there for them.
I'm very confussed. He doesn't call or email or text. He screams at me over the phone if I call him. He insults me and calls me names. I tell him not to do that, that I don't deserve it. He tells me he wouldn't do it if I would respect his wishes of giving him space. He's probably right and I'm being too pushy.
We have been together for a year and half. The first year we were living about 120 miles away so we would only see each other on the weekends. We got married on June 2009 so we only have 6 months married. He is still in school, so I don't know if the constant fights we've been having made him reach the decision to leave the house for 6 months until he finishes school. But if we just started and we are already needing space, then we don't stand a chance to make it through a real problem. The fights have been so small and insignificant that it's emberrassing. He is still angry that I didn't call Terminix on June when we got the house. JUNE!! It's January!! But he still mentions it like it happened yesterday. I didn't call, I had just started working at my new job and I didn't call. He had to call them and that made him upset, and he's still upset that it was HE that had to call them and not me. Does that make any sense?!
Anything I said or did caused his feelings to be hurt. Even if I was upset about something that happened at work or difficulties finding childcare for my kids. Everything made him upset. I'm so tired of fighting for little things. I'm emotionally drained.
I want to say that you need to remember that he has an imbalance- I know that doesn't help though, b/c you are emotionally attached and what he's doing HURTS you.
I've had every reason in the world to shift the blame on my W's disorder, but it still doesn't alleviate the HURT I feel.
Also, he is not medicated- that is a huge problem. I am a recovering addict, and when I was using (speed) I was VERY MANIC- people become obcessive/compulsive and will run themselves in circles. When you are in that state you will attempt to control or manipulate other people to get what you want- so that you feel in control.
I would not cater to his whims, I would focus on yourself and your family, keep working and keep ignoring his texts, and do what ever you can do to stay positive and unstressed.
Sorry you find yourself here after such a short time being married.
My whole story is in part because of my H bi-polar disorder & being an addict. If your H is not on his meds and refuses to get himself together chemically, theres not alot you can do.
The ups and downs are really hard and its extremely painful to watch someone you love go through it and put you through it as well.
My advice is to get yourself some IC and try and urge your H to seek professional help to balance out his chemicals. Other than that, hang in there, take care of yourself and wait it out. Bi-polar people have mood swings and without medication, the swings happen when they happen.
Sorry I couldn't do more to help.
Originally Posted By: dbs
When do those of us dealing with these type of issues say whoa? And how?
That is a question that only you can answer. I am an advocate of M, but I also know you can only control you. So I would suggest some IC for you as well to gain the insight you need to answer those questions for you.
Your both in my prayers.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
