Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[TooLateForMe]

TooLateForMe - thanks for the encouragement.

We didn't have any kind of relationship other than a couple letters before we got married - it felt right at the time, but I was overseas in a language course (not a marriage one!)

If I was looking for a homemaker I would be set. But, we haven't been able to connect well on the intellectual level. I don't 'regret' the M, but she views the world (and always has) in a different way than I do. So for me, part of my struggle is whether I want to make a relationship that is deep with her, or start again.

The attraction was funny - she's modest and as most of our communication was written, the pictures I had of her were when she was a few years younger and healthier. She doesn't take care of herself physically so her skinny stature (95lbs) hasn't worked for me. I guess I'm an idealist and thought it wouldn't be too much of an issue...many people's comments remind me that it shouldn't be.

I'm not looking for encouragement to go, but I guess I'm trying to hear something to "push me" over my anxiety of staying married when I have and continue to think that there is a personality divide between my her and I. I wish I could talk about our issues more to my W, but her self-esteem issues get in the way.

You're being very vague about your R and your W. How are you different? Do you consider her stupid, do you have differing spiritual views, or just don't speak enough to figure out what she thinks or feels?

On one level it appears that you ARE looking for social justification for ending your M. I won't give it to you, for the simple reason is that I was very determined to end my own on numerous occasions. I could only come to my senses when my W stood up to my BS and gave me a taste of my own medicine. Only she didn't change her mind and as the name suggests it's too late.

Maybe she doesn't have the tools that you have w/ DR or DB books. Maybe she hasn't got a firm grasp on what she wants or if she wants someone who hasn't connected with her. My sitch was one of extreme codependency. We didn't figure that out until it was too late. Do you want to split and then figure out what the problem was after you can't do a thing about it?

Put your time in, work on the M and make sure she has access to her own tools to do the same. If there are more problems than you're letting on, fine. What I'm sensing is a vague "personality divide" that you seem unwilling or afraid to explore. I suspect insecurity on your part, hence the importance of her appearance. I'll take my wife at her heaviest and her frumpiest and still swear in court she's the most beautiful woman in the world. I always had to be honest and critical and now I'm alone.

When problems are plaguing a M, it's hard to see why you could love that person and harder to FEEL it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. Trust me. If you DID feel love for her, then remember back to that. And maybe you won't feel that again for a while. Do the work and get to a stable point and THEN decide. When things are stable and the love is possible to feel rather than buried under the debris of all the b.s. that a troubled R causes, you will know if you need to end the M or not.

Those problems, the schism of a distressed R trick us into believing that we don't love someone. Love hides away when we are hurt and confused and we can only focus on the problems and the negatives. THAT IS NOT THE TIME TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE. That is the time to rebuild things and stabilize in order to understand what you really do feel.

Counseling. Listen, give, compromise, have fun and take care of yourself. When that starts to work, think about whether the M is worth it or not. Until then it's too easy to think you know what's best and scuttle the ship.

I'm speaking from my experience and the sense of loss that comes from thinking I knew it all. It's a ridiculous sort of hubris that I'm paying for in spades.

Oh, and more details about what your problems really are might be helpful.