Please Advise!!!! I Could Use Some HELP

[undefeated]

The book also stated that the betrayed spouse may not feel as though they are ready to reconcile until they are PAID BACK IN FULL FROM THE TRAUMA of the affair.

Be careful with this. I think the book is right; your spouse has to feel paid back in full. But from someone who is now paying in equal currency, you never really know the pain of LBS. Unless you are like me, and I hope you never are. So it will take time. And I would say don't assume he is over it just because he doesn't bring it up or seems happier with you.This is so hard because then you have to ask yourself. so when is it paid back in my spouse's mind? As I screwed up this step I don't have any answers.

I must be honest in that I am a little disappointed that my husband has not called me or reached out to me. I find myself feeling like enough already!

It's time to learn/exercise some patience. If you can't do that it will be very difficult if not nearly impossible to work back to an amicable marriage. We take baby steps with our spouses. Running through the process to get to the happy ending just doesn't work.

You have to move at his pace if you want this to get better. So s-l-o-w down!

The book stated there is a cooling period after the EA is discovered and could last 3 months. Well, Im entering my 4th month and although I see some progress it's NOT nearly where I'd like it to be. Sometimes I feel like I should just move on completely and change my phone # so he can never call me. Guess that's makes no sense cause he DOESN'T call me now.

Timetables are a lousy idea. These numbers are relative! The DB book also mentions that most A's burn out after 6 months. SO do I get to sit around and count the days and expect it to end at 6 months and 1 day? No. Each person's process is ongoing and personal. Don't get stuck in this frame of mind. It will drive you crazy and make reconciliation harder.

How exactly does making certain he can never contact you help you mend fences? Your H is already showing a lot of faith in you by being as "close" as he is. As cutterbug mentioned, he has to regroup and figure out where this is and where it might be going.

As far as sending the OM a NC, I think it would be a fantastic idea to the the with H. I'm sure he would be thrilled to do that whenever he decides he wants to work things out.

Cutterbug, I have also thought about your questions. The reason I entered an EA was because I always felt last on my husbands priority list. I'm a very attractive woman and enjoy taking care of myself so I couldn't understand why his family and friends seemed to always come first and he could never say NO to them. I also had the SIL from hell who was jealous of our lifestyle and did everything she could to annoy me. She called all the time with drama and it appeared to me that she dictated how some of my husbands free time was spent. Helping her with her boys, going to get Starbuck's in the morning, hanging out for other events with cousins. Plus I was sick and tired of always going to a dinner and movie. He started to have some sexual issues and needed to see a Dr. and I was at my wits end so that I why I left and shortly after began the EA. The OM was younger, HOT body, very sexual, and devoted all of his free time to me. I ended the EA because I was snapped back into reality when receiving the divorce papers and realized OM was psycho and could never love or provide for me the way my husband can.

Yep, and now I call BS. Excuses do not make for good relationship building. Listen to cutterbug and own your own wrongs.

As far as my cooking and cleaning goes, I never really cooked or cleaned a lot. I work 8 plus hours a day and our home was pretty big for the two of us so I would hire help to clean. When my husband stated that it's not like I missed your cooking or cleaning, it was his way of making fun of the fact that I hardly cooked or cleaned unlike his mom who cooks and cleans 24/7. I would too if all I did was babysit and could a million times a day.

I so wish I could afford to hire someone to clean for me! I can be jealous for a minute, right? >>> ok, minute is up.

I'm not exactly sure how to respond to the second half of this. I guess it got under my skin a bit. I was a full-time college student (12 credit hours every semester), had my own business, and have been raising three kids. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning. I don't think your husband should make fun of you, but please don't knock it. This life of being a homemaker is not a cakewalk either.

If I start dating again, I'm miserable and if I wait for my husband who may never return I'm miserable. What a HOT MESS it is to be me!

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. " ~Martha Washington.

Misery is a choice. You have to make yourself happy. As long as your happiness comes from an outside source it can be taken away without your permission or input. But happiness that you have created and own for yourself...that no one can take.

wifeleft>>>

one thought I have is how when a WAS leaves and has an A they don't think of it as an A but when the LBS engages into a "A" IDK if there is any thought at all of it as an A since he prob thinks the M was long gone and you had already stepped out.

Oh yes, it is still an A, and the LBS turned WAS knows it. My thread might give you some insight into this.