Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Evening did go well. Now I am wishing I had a device that would tell me if I am getting real feelings or being played. Cause it was one or the other tonight.

She didn't come home right away as she stated, I knew she wouldn't. It was 7:45 and I had made sure I left something for me to be doing when I heard the garage open, so I was busy when she came in. Was confident, friendly, smiling. Dinner was left for her, but not on a plate...kind of had it scattered all over for her to piece together.

A little later a classic line by D8 about will you come home early again tomorrow - because W actually made it home 15 minutes before bath and bedtime, D8 is now calling that early. That one smacked W upside the head as she had to explain that is still very late.

While the girls were getting bathed, I get confronted by W about today and what I was feeling. I told her just a wave of emotions from the memorial and it was a weak moment and I hadn't digested it all. She then told me come on, talk to me, communicate more that's what we need to work on. Ok - so here is where I need that device, being played or being honest? So I told her everything on how/what I was feeling except for anything that dealt with our R and M and my working my tail off. She listened, she seemed to understand, and then she says to me that I was going thru all this and she was in pure business mode so that didn't help at all. Which she was and I should have expected it--I told her I should have expected that, but yes that didn't help.

During this talk, the topic of church came up (I brought it up), I had this one scripted in my mind and I used it. I said I don't know how we got there, but its been years since we've gone to church and I felt a lot of guilt about that today personally and also for not exposing our kids to it. I said I want to start going to church and I want to take the girls with or without you. She said something to the effect of it would be much easier with the kids if we both went. So then I directly asked - are you willing to start going to church again with all of us. She said yes. Then we talked about the church we were at today and she mentioned there is another one she'd like to try first. Again, I need that device - am I being played or is she being sincere? I brought up going to church right after the bomb and she told me no. I didn't use the I'm taking the girls and the EA was going in full motion, so not sure what is making the biggest difference this time.

And one more interesting bit, where I told her about my conversation with her assistant and how well he did and what I talked to him about. She was very interested in that and was digging for more, so I told her everything I could remember and said that for some reason, he is very easy for me talk with. She then replied "just don't go confiding in him about us"...reference to my female co-worker that I had confided in and really pissed her off. I was cool. I said I won't, I don't need to confide in anyone, you and I need to learn to trust and confide in each other. Not sure if that is what I am supposed to say, but its way came out of my mouth pretty naturally and it was said.

She just now started the work she needs to do for the night and didn't run to the basement. I asked her if she was going to the basement tonight and she said I don't know. I offered to hang out elsewhere and give her some space so she wouldn't feel compelled to go to the basement. To be honest, that was more for me than her. I know I'm low on strength today and running to the basement has a higher anxiety effect on me...there is no reason. She can be just as devious on the computer on the main level based on where she would sit with it...its all mental...but tonight, my mental side needs a break. One last bit, that I hear more and more talk like. I was complaining about the grill tonight because only half of it will light at all and it was too dark and cold for me to try to figure out why. W then asks me, "we aren't taking that grill with us when we move are we"...there is a lot more future talk and future we talk than before which makes no sense to me because our R isn't really any further along to make her talk that way. Again, need that device - being played or is she being real

Oh and I'll keep the internet up, save that for another time. Its 1AM where the OM is, if he's willing to stay up for some on-line EA chatting, more power to him and I hope he has a crappy day tomorrow. I'll save the internet is down for when it'll impact things more. I really doubt they'll be communicating tonight unless she sends him an e-mail to read in the morning.

Thanks to all for helping me through a very rough and emotional day