Things are about to get more interesting. I overheard wife making plans to go out of town with some girlfriends. She hasn't said anything to me about it. But I am going to ask her about it to see when she is going and if she is planning on taking kids with her. If she is planning on taking kids then I want plenty of details. Also I want to ask her how she can afford to pay for a trip when she can't help me pay for household bills. I am having a hard time getting her to help with household expenses. She just refuses to help on a regular basis. She will chip in here and there but will not do so on a consistant basis even after me reminding her. Why do things have to be so hard?
You're in Limbo wolverine and you need to change what you're doing and move in a new direction.
I read the post about your w's cousin coming over and you getting involved in the conversation to show or prove to your w's cousin that you're not a jerk. You can't believe that you involving yourself for however much time you did in that conversation would change anyone's opinion of that can you?
Why do you care?
Let them think what they want to think?
Attempting to want to control that is just that, controlling?
It's not your job to control what they think of you, what opinion they have of you, etc.
What's your plan right now for you?
You're in limbo, what are you doing to get out of that?
Plan:
Itemize all the household expenses, I don't care if your name is on the bill or not, if she lives there, she has to pay her share, it may be a free country but it isn't a rent free country, you don't have to subsidize her living expenses - are you her slave?
Get copies made of all the current month's bills and put them in a pile. Make a list on paper or an excel spreadsheet and document the following bills and how much they cost for this month or last month:
Gas Electricity Phone Cable Water Cellphone Internet
Mortgage Property Tax Insurance - Home Insurance - Car
Food Fuel - cars Clothing for kids
etc.
List the total, list what you pay currently, list what she pays currently and then put down a figure of what amount of money you want from her. Don't tiptoe around this, just put it out there, "this is what you owe on a monthly basis, if you can't pay it, it's time for you to find someplace else that's cheaper for you, I'm not your parent or your roommate and I'm not living like this forever, it's time for me to move on with my life without you." Be firm, confident, controlled, not angry, just appear as if your eyes have been opened finally to this situation and its time for you to move on with your life.
If she goes on the trip but tells you that she can't pay the bills, this is what you're going to do, tell her that you are going to pack up her things, put them in box while she's gone on that trip and you're going to make it easy on her, she can move out anytime. If she isn't going to help pay the bills and she doesn't want to be part of a marriage with you, it's time for her to find someplace else to go.
Tell you you're going to pursue joint custody of the children, you'll share them 50/50 and YOU WILL get joint custody, it's not if and or maybe, that's just how it is, you've decided on that and if she objects you tell her that you're going to pay whatever legal fees are required to protect yourself and your interests. Tell her that you need to sit down with the kid and she needs to be there too and you both have to tell them what's going on and what will be changing this year, that you guys will be splitting apart and she will be moving out.
It's 2010 and you've decided you won't live in limbo anymore. Do you have the balls to do this? Can you stand up to her? I'm not telling you to be an a$$hole or jerk but I'm telling you to take hold of your life and move in the opposite direction of where you currently are going because you aren't going anywhere good right now and as it stands it really isn't going to get any better because you're doing nothing to make it better.
I don't want to hear that you're standing up for your marriage, your wife doesn't care and its time you faced that reality, in fact doing so is probably the only thing that is going to get her to take notice of you.
All you've been doing is posting the kind of updates of the "nothing" that's happening in your life - are you achieving anything aside from complaining about your wife's actions? Let's focus on your actions now, what are you going to do to change your momentum?
If you can't do any of this or if you respond with "my situation is different and I can't do this" or " you don't understand my wife, she won't listen or do this" or "I just can't say these things...", I'm going to reply to you that I wish you all the best in 2010 but I can't help someone who won't help themselves - plain & simple.
You've been posting long enough without any improvement in your situation, you're either here for help or you're just hanging out looking for some sympathy and I'm not a fan of wallowing in self-pity.
Good luck Wolverine, 2010 is all yours, it's up to you if you want it or not.
Things are about to get more interesting. I overheard wife making plans to go out of town with some girlfriends. She hasn't said anything to me about it. But I am going to ask her about it to see when she is going and if she is planning on taking kids with her. If she is planning on taking kids then I want plenty of details. Also I want to ask her how she can afford to pay for a trip when she can't help me pay for household bills. I am having a hard time getting her to help with household expenses. She just refuses to help on a regular basis. She will chip in here and there but will not do so on a consistant basis even after me reminding her. Why do things have to be so hard?
You're in Limbo wolverine and you need to change what you're doing and move in a new direction.
I read the post about your w's cousin coming over and you getting involved in the conversation to show or prove to your w's cousin that you're not a jerk. You can't believe that you involving yourself for however much time you did in that conversation would change anyone's opinion of that can you?
Why do you care?
Let them think what they want to think?
Attempting to want to control that is just that, controlling?
It's not your job to control what they think of you, what opinion they have of you, etc.
What's your plan right now for you?
You're in limbo, what are you doing to get out of that?
Plan:
Itemize all the household expenses, I don't care if your name is on the bill or not, if she lives there, she has to pay her share, it may be a free country but it isn't a rent free country, you don't have to subsidize her living expenses - are you her slave?
Get copies made of all the current month's bills and put them in a pile. Make a list on paper or an excel spreadsheet and document the following bills and how much they cost for this month or last month:
Gas Electricity Phone Cable Water Cellphone Internet
Mortgage Property Tax Insurance - Home Insurance - Car
Food Fuel - cars Clothing for kids
etc.
List the total, list what you pay currently, list what she pays currently and then put down a figure of what amount of money you want from her. Don't tiptoe around this, just put it out there, "this is what you owe on a monthly basis, if you can't pay it, it's time for you to find someplace else that's cheaper for you, I'm not your parent or your roommate and I'm not living like this forever, it's time for me to move on with my life without you." Be firm, confident, controlled, not angry, just appear as if your eyes have been opened finally to this situation and its time for you to move on with your life.
If she goes on the trip but tells you that she can't pay the bills, this is what you're going to do, tell her that you are going to pack up her things, put them in box while she's gone on that trip and you're going to make it easy on her, she can move out anytime. If she isn't going to help pay the bills and she doesn't want to be part of a marriage with you, it's time for her to find someplace else to go.
Tell you you're going to pursue joint custody of the children, you'll share them 50/50 and YOU WILL get joint custody, it's not if and or maybe, that's just how it is, you've decided on that and if she objects you tell her that you're going to pay whatever legal fees are required to protect yourself and your interests. Tell her that you need to sit down with the kid and she needs to be there too and you both have to tell them what's going on and what will be changing this year, that you guys will be splitting apart and she will be moving out.
It's 2010 and you've decided you won't live in limbo anymore. Do you have the balls to do this? Can you stand up to her? I'm not telling you to be an a$$hole or jerk but I'm telling you to take hold of your life and move in the opposite direction of where you currently are going because you aren't going anywhere good right now and as it stands it really isn't going to get any better because you're doing nothing to make it better.
I don't want to hear that you're standing up for your marriage, your wife doesn't care and its time you faced that reality, in fact doing so is probably the only thing that is going to get her to take notice of you.
All you've been doing is posting the kind of updates of the "nothing" that's happening in your life - are you achieving anything aside from complaining about your wife's actions? Let's focus on your actions now, what are you going to do to change your momentum?
If you can't do any of this or if you respond with "my situation is different and I can't do this" or " you don't understand my wife, she won't listen or do this" or "I just can't say these things...", I'm going to reply to you that I wish you all the best in 2010 but I can't help someone who won't help themselves - plain & simple.
You've been posting long enough without any improvement in your situation, you're either here for help or you're just hanging out looking for some sympathy and I'm not a fan of wallowing in self-pity.
Good luck Wolverine, 2010 is all yours, it's up to you if you want it or not.
Yes! It's the highly-coveted "Puppy's 4-Whistles Award!"
We must have made the same resolution for 2010, Rob, cuz I'm done abiding wallowing as well. Life's too short!!!
Wolverine, I'm almost scared to ask this, but it may be something worthwhile contemplating...
Is it possible that your W may have become a lesbian?
Another thing I suggest you do is re-read your entire thread.
Look at it objectively and answer the following questions:
1. Why have I continued to allow myself to be emotionally terrorized by this woman?
2. Why do I continue to allow myself to be used and abused by this woman?
3. What do I have to do to regain my manhood and self-esteem?
Disclaimer: This is a drive-by post. I have no intention on becoming further involved with your sitch. I do think you need to take some time and evaluate yourself and your behavior.
I talked to her before about moving out and she tells me that she is planning on doing so but never gives me any specific date. I think she is stashing money away so that she can leave. I am about to force her hand a little to see what happens.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Things are about to get more interesting. I overheard wife making plans to go out of town with some girlfriends. She hasn't said anything to me about it. But I am going to ask her about it to see when she is going and if she is planning on taking kids with her. If she is planning on taking kids then I want plenty of details. Also I want to ask her how she can afford to pay for a trip when she can't help me pay for household bills. I am having a hard time getting her to help with household expenses. She just refuses to help on a regular basis. She will chip in here and there but will not do so on a consistant basis even after me reminding her. Why do things have to be so hard?
You're in Limbo wolverine and you need to change what you're doing and move in a new direction.
I read the post about your w's cousin coming over and you getting involved in the conversation to show or prove to your w's cousin that you're not a jerk. You can't believe that you involving yourself for however much time you did in that conversation would change anyone's opinion of that can you?
Why do you care?
Let them think what they want to think?
Attempting to want to control that is just that, controlling?
It's not your job to control what they think of you, what opinion they have of you, etc.
What's your plan right now for you?
You're in limbo, what are you doing to get out of that?
Plan:
Itemize all the household expenses, I don't care if your name is on the bill or not, if she lives there, she has to pay her share, it may be a free country but it isn't a rent free country, you don't have to subsidize her living expenses - are you her slave?
Get copies made of all the current month's bills and put them in a pile. Make a list on paper or an excel spreadsheet and document the following bills and how much they cost for this month or last month:
Gas Electricity Phone Cable Water Cellphone Internet
Mortgage Property Tax Insurance - Home Insurance - Car
Food Fuel - cars Clothing for kids
etc.
List the total, list what you pay currently, list what she pays currently and then put down a figure of what amount of money you want from her. Don't tiptoe around this, just put it out there, "this is what you owe on a monthly basis, if you can't pay it, it's time for you to find someplace else that's cheaper for you, I'm not your parent or your roommate and I'm not living like this forever, it's time for me to move on with my life without you." Be firm, confident, controlled, not angry, just appear as if your eyes have been opened finally to this situation and its time for you to move on with your life.
If she goes on the trip but tells you that she can't pay the bills, this is what you're going to do, tell her that you are going to pack up her things, put them in box while she's gone on that trip and you're going to make it easy on her, she can move out anytime. If she isn't going to help pay the bills and she doesn't want to be part of a marriage with you, it's time for her to find someplace else to go.
Tell you you're going to pursue joint custody of the children, you'll share them 50/50 and YOU WILL get joint custody, it's not if and or maybe, that's just how it is, you've decided on that and if she objects you tell her that you're going to pay whatever legal fees are required to protect yourself and your interests. Tell her that you need to sit down with the kid and she needs to be there too and you both have to tell them what's going on and what will be changing this year, that you guys will be splitting apart and she will be moving out.
It's 2010 and you've decided you won't live in limbo anymore. Do you have the balls to do this? Can you stand up to her? I'm not telling you to be an a$$hole or jerk but I'm telling you to take hold of your life and move in the opposite direction of where you currently are going because you aren't going anywhere good right now and as it stands it really isn't going to get any better because you're doing nothing to make it better.
I don't want to hear that you're standing up for your marriage, your wife doesn't care and its time you faced that reality, in fact doing so is probably the only thing that is going to get her to take notice of you.
All you've been doing is posting the kind of updates of the "nothing" that's happening in your life - are you achieving anything aside from complaining about your wife's actions? Let's focus on your actions now, what are you going to do to change your momentum?
If you can't do any of this or if you respond with "my situation is different and I can't do this" or " you don't understand my wife, she won't listen or do this" or "I just can't say these things...", I'm going to reply to you that I wish you all the best in 2010 but I can't help someone who won't help themselves - plain & simple.
You've been posting long enough without any improvement in your situation, you're either here for help or you're just hanging out looking for some sympathy and I'm not a fan of wallowing in self-pity.
Good luck Wolverine, 2010 is all yours, it's up to you if you want it or not.
Yes! It's the highly-coveted "Puppy's 4-Whistles Award!"
We must have made the same resolution for 2010, Rob, cuz I'm done abiding wallowing as well. Life's too short!!!
Puppy
PDT if we ever have the good fortune of meeting in person, we are seriously going to "cuddle"!
LOL!
Thanks Puppy, you know I don't actively pursue those coveted 4 whistle awards of yours but I'm holding on to them and not giving them back for recycling even if you ask nicely ;-)
I appreciate the recognition and I think Wolverine needs to appreciate even more his current situation of "nothingness" and that for the sake of his own sanity he needs to do something.
I talked to her before about moving out and she tells me that she is planning on doing so but never gives me any specific date. I think she is stashing money away so that she can leave. I am about to force her hand a little to see what happens.
Wolverine, for what it's worth, the first step in this direction will be the scariest but the steps that follow afterward will come easier.
Don't force her hand a little, there is no "forcing a little", there is no trying, just do it.
- this is your life we're talking about, she disrespects you by attributing no value to your life, respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you - it will be one of the greatest gifts you give yourself - you will reclaim your life, your personal power and you'll be setting an example for your children so that they learn to develop the proper self-respect and self-esteem at an early age, otherwise you're just teaching them to act in a similar manner if they are ever unfortunate enough to have this happen in their lives.
When thought became action in my own situation, I imagined my children and them repeating all of this in their own lives, and them feeling powerless, lonely, unloved, hurt, depressed, etc.
It broke my heart but it strengthened my resolve to change my own life because living a great respectable life for myself would mean I would be teaching them to do the same in their own lives and that would be one of the greatest gifts I could give them.
Time for you to reclaim your self-respect and pump up that self-esteem.
I talked to her before about moving out and she tells me that she is planning on doing so but never gives me any specific date. I think she is stashing money away so that she can leave. I am about to force her hand a little to see what happens.
Create your reality by making it happen.
You know now that hanging in there and hoping for a change on your w's part isn't going to happen.
Let her go, in fact it's the letting go and detaching and moving on with your life which is probably going to be more successful if anything would ever be "successful" in your situation.
But don't just try something to "see what happens", that's half-assed effort and you'll get half-assed results.
Get her to move out, if you have to tell her why it has to be now, you tell her that if she has time enough to plan for and go on a trip, she has time enough to move out and when she's on her trip, you will be helping her move out by packing all of her things in boxes and she can arrange to have them placed in a storage locker somewhere and she can stay with one of her "girlfriends" while she finds a new place. Tell her you need your freedom from her and you aren't waiting anymore for her to decide when she wants to do this, this is your life and you've decided that what happened and how your marriage dragged on in limbo in 2009 was enough for you, 2010 is different, it's January, time for you to move on with your life and get a fresh start and that means she has to leave, tell her there will be no discussion, it's your decision to make. She made her decision that she didn't want to be married to you anymore and you have to respect that but now she has to respect that you don't want her around anymore, tell her that you get it now, you understand how she feels because now you feel the same way and you wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't be with you by choice and now you're choosing the same thing, you don't want to be with her anymore and the first step in accomplishing that is her moving out.
She may get angry, she may argue, she may turn it around on you and in fact, I would expect it but just remain calm during this process, just tell her you understand how she feels when she's exploding all over the place and you're just standing there cool as a cucumber, tell her you feel the same way and you can't wait until she leaves so that you can enjoy some peace in your life.
You won't pursue her anymore, you hope she has a good life as you will make sure that your life from now on is awesome. That's your plan & goal for 2010.
robx, Puppy and Gnosis, thanks for all of your posts. I definitely am not here looking for sympathy even though at times it may come across that way. I have been wallowing in indecision mainly because I haven't known what to do. That is why I truly appreciate the suggestions that you all give. It has been very hard for me to take the emotion out of the decisions that I have to make. I have been over analyzing every decision thus far and have been going in circles. Every time I have thought that I had gone two steps forward I have found that I was in the same place. That is why the advice from objective friends are invaluable. I plan on using your suggestions tonight when I get home.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
