Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

Had stupid drama from him of course on Sat. I'm really tired of it. It was all over the kids' exchange. He's letting all the planning go through them and not clearing it with me.

Why's he doing that ... to p*ss you off.

It was my weekend and he made plans to take them to a ball game that evening. I put my foot down and said no since it was my weekend and he didn't clear it with me.

Well done. You set a boundary there (the contact) and you enforced it.

He says I emotionally manipulated them into not going and missing a nice game with their cousin and it was planned months ago.

Sorry for saying this but you H REALLY get's on my nerves. Who gives a f*ck what he says. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you. D's mum did this to me ALL THE TIME.

If it was planned months ago ... err ... why didn't he tell you MONTHS AGO?

Well, again the man is using money as a weapon.

Of course he is. That's all he can use. However, I have to say, you are letting him.

He had promised to pay for D's horse show fees and training for the weekend of competition and now since plans changed, he's changing plans on paying for it and is sticking me with the bill. He said I'm using his money anyway.

Ahh. Have to disagree. You are using YOUR (as in both of you) money. He's a married man with responsibilities. If he didn't want that maybe he should have thought about it before he either had an A or had kids.

This is where you let him win.

He's so obsessed with using money as a weapon! He also said that I should be acknowledging his emails and then he'd "bother" to coordinate with me. He's such a childish and selfish man. Okay, I'm approaching DISGUST.

He is using two weapons here - the kids and finances.

1. You need to get this financial agreement sorted ASAP. In the mean time live within your means. If he has agreed to pay for ANYTHING (and that includes, tickets, kitchen bits, horse shows) cancel it now. If you don't, you give him a lever. If he, or the kids ask why you are doing it tell them you simply cannot afford it. End of story.

2. You need to speak to the L about scheduled access to the kids. I know you talked about it being 50/50 and you can't stop him seeing them yada yada yada - yeah you can't and shouldn't but it needs to be coordinated with YOU as you have day to day care of the kids (50/50 doesn't mean he can do what he likes BTW) and you both need to come up with a schedule. It's sh*t you have to go down this road but this has the benefit that both of you know when access is so no more arguing about it.

You need to take away his control of you - the finances and the kids. Until you do that you are going to continue this dance from now until the end of time.

What is happening on the L front?

[newmama]

DBD I agree with P. All of it. Your H is being a bully, like I said, and it is very low to use money that goes for your kids as punishment for not communicating with him. Can the 2 of you sit down with a mediator (cheaper) or your L to draft a 50/50 parenting plan? And have you gone online to check out child support calculator for your state?
hey I just thought of something--is collaborative D cheaper? that is probably why he is seeking it!

[Day by Day]

Took this from cutterbug's thread:

You know I've read a lot of sitches on here and walked through a lot of threads. I haven't yet come across one, from somebody who has been here for a while, that I don't think 'if only your spouse could see you now'.

Most WAS's are foolish. If you want to look at it another way maybe this is being done to us, by whatever otherworldy power you believe in (even fate or karma), to make us better people. All those threads I have read are from better people at the end than when they started.

WARNING...RANT:
Ya know, I was doing really well today and through the weekend and then I came on the forum. Not blaming anyone... just going to show how NC (as much as possible in my sitch) and GAL works. I blew off WAH's comments because I was focusing on my first full marathon yesterday. I was on such a high for my accomplishment, so happy being with my kids seeing them proud of me and having fun with my friends... then today...discussing my pathetic sitch. Cr@ppy afternoon. Discussed it with my cousin across the pond, came here and just the reality sucks! This "growing" into a better person is hurting like he!!. I'm tired of this. Tired of the mean person WAH has turned into. I want to give up. I want this to be over with. I don't want to get a hardened heart over this person. I just feel like I'm going to be homeless and my kids will have to live with that man because I can't afford anything. He's really putting the screws to me and I know push has now come to shove. He's gonna get what he wants... for me to file. He wins.

BTW... no... haven't heard from my L yet.

[P17]

This "growing" into a better person is hurting like he!!.

Nothing worth having is easy ... so they say. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger ... so they say. Etc.

It hurts us all. It is hurting us all. But think of what you have learned about YOU. Think of who YOU are now. Would you honestly go back?

I'm tired of this. Tired of the mean person WAH has turned into. I want to give up. I want this to be over with. I don't want to get a hardened heart over this person.

We all get days like these. I get them quite often. What I have learned is that talking about it is actually the worst thing I can do. It sounds like today you talked all about your sitch. It brought it all back to the surface again. I noticed nowhere in your post do you mentioned that WAH contacted you ... which means he did nothing today.

I just feel like I'm going to be homeless and my kids will have to live with that man because I can't afford anything. He's really putting the screws to me and I know push has now come to shove. He's gonna get what he wants... for me to file. He wins.

Then that is what you must do. If you want to file then do it and make yourself at peace. This is about you.

I know from my own sitch that it will actually only be two circumstances under which I file - when I am good and ready or there is a cold day in hell. But that is me. I am willing to give up my house and the current life I have rather than give W the satisfaction of having me file on her. But that is now. Tomorrow something may come along that changes my mind.

BTW... no... haven't heard from my L yet.

Then you know what you need to do ...

[newmama]

DBD I am sorry that your WH has been acting so horribly. I hate to say it but it seems like you are better off filing than not... to protect yourself.

maybe this is being done to us, by whatever otherworldy power you believe in (even fate or karma), to make us better people. All those threads I have read are from better people at the end than when they started.

I think that nothing I did in this lifetime caused me, and certainly not my S,to deserve to be hurt so horribly. I didn't take this quote word for word; I took it to mean people have learned from this and become stronger in some way, not better.
Just my interpretation.

I do think that it's possible we are sacrificing ourselves so that the WSs can learn painful lessons. Don't mean to make it sound like we are perfect and they are crap, but I mean that the lesson is for the WS and we are suffering the consequences.

[P17]

maybe this is being done to us, by whatever otherworldy power you believe in (even fate or karma), to make us better people. All those threads I have read are from better people at the end than when they started.

I think that nothing I did in this lifetime caused me, and certainly not my S,to deserve to be hurt so horribly. I didn't take this quote word for word; I took it to mean people have learned from this and become stronger in some way, not better.
Just my interpretation.

That was the way I meant it (it was my quote so had to chime in). Better was the wrong word to use - stronger was the right one.

I do think that it's possible we are sacrificing ourselves so that the WSs can learn painful lessons.

How are we sacrificing ourselves though? I don't feel I have sacrificed anything. I feel W has thrown away a lot but I have done nothing.

Don't mean to make it sound like we are perfect and they are crap, but I mean that the lesson is for the WS and we are suffering the consequences.

The reverse of that entire quote is also true

[chatterbug]

Hi DbD

What can we do to help keep you on the path to safety and security?

Lets list everything out. And your options.

[Day by Day]

Thank you P, newmama and cutterbug for your responses.

I noticed nowhere in your post do you mentioned that WAH contacted you ... which means he did nothing today.

WAH was very rude and nasty to me on Saturday regarding him expecting to take the kids to a game on my day. I contacted him today to set the schedule for the rest of the month and for next month to avoid further conflicts. Then I asked for the horse show fees he promised our D.

Okay, I won't put today's response. It's too rude. Just know, one zinger is that he told me that the savings are for a rainy day and that it is now raining for me. ARGH. I've had it. That just did it. I'm better off without him. The man I loved and married has left his body. Yeah, he pushed my buttons AGAIN. Why do I bother to contact? Because my L wants me to show how I repeatedly asked for money and he denied me.

I heard from my L. I'm ready for this now. I needed all these months to get to this point to be able to accept it. OW can have that man. They deserve each other--serial adulterers the pair. I may be angry for now, but the love and respect is gone. Soon I'll be feeling h-a-t-e. Very soon.

[Day by Day]

Hi DbD

What can we do to help keep you on the path to safety and security?

Lets list everything out. And your options.

I have no clue. I only see D. I'm too fed up.

The man is angry because I don't reply to his rude and nasty emails. NC makes him angrier, but I needed to do it to protect me from his nastiness and to detach. Maybe I screwed up with NC, but too late now. I'm just completely frustrated with this sitch.

[Serenity13]

(((DbD)))

You don't know me...I have never posted to your thread however one of your fellow readers asked me to come and see you...

I started reading your thread and had to stop - I actually asked myself if you may be married to my H as well...

Everything he is doing to you - It is like watching my H...From the complete lack of respect to the cutting off of finances to the anger when you don't respond...

I didn't finish reading your whole thread however I will...I just want to note some things that may help you on a day to day basis...

NC is never to late and it is to protect you - My H hates when I don't respond however I could give a flying monkeys butt - I wait hours/sometimes days before I respond to him and he will blow up my phone/work email/home email until I answer him...

The money - I feel your pain having to beg for something to keep food on the table or because it was already pre-arranged and your H decided to just not do anything about it - In my sitch, I was racing my H to the bank every 2 weeks just to get a few bucks to take care of our boys - He didn't like that and 2 weeks ago changed banks/had his pay go into his new account/left our account overdrawn and didn't give nor offer me a dime...

I refuse to play his game - I will not beg him for crap - I would steal before I asked him for anything...Little does he know that I have filed for child support - In his little pea brain, he actually thinks that until we are divorced, he doesn't have to pay jack - Newsflash coming for him when he is served with child support papers within the next 10 days...

Because of his actions - My children and I were evicted & I lost my car...We are living in a converted garage (parents house) for now with no heat/air...I had to recently apply for food stamps as well...All of this has changed me - Not into the bitter person you would think but into a strong determined woman capable of holding my own...

NO man will break me - You have the choice to be ash or to rise above all of it...

You are better then this - From the few pages I read, I can see that however you are allowing yourself to get sucked into his crap.

Take a breath/find a quiet place and search within yourself to see what it is you truly want...If it is your marriage and you have the stomach for it, then stand...If it is a D then I find no fault for you in that either...Don't let him win by breaking you down and the mind games he is playing is his way of breaking you down to his level...

I am here if you want to talk - 99% of the time in Newcomers.