OOh Rabbit - I wish I had been home to take you up on that offer. Another day?
Had horrible news - well reconfirmation - in MC today. H says that he "feels I have an agenda" to get him back. So I'm not DBing well. I told him (defensively) that he has a big ego to think that's my main agenda. I said I know this can go any different way but that I don't feel we've really delved into the deep issues enough to know if we can heal them or not yet.
He did say he is willing to go there and that he brought up "past issues" last MC session because this was his attempt to start looking at the issues. So, ok, that sounds good, right? But he did voice that all this stuff of me inviting him to the party and to the mountains (even though he invited himself and doesn't want to remember it that way) gives the impression I have an agenda. Obviously I have had my hopes up too much and must do what we all talked about for my birthday. On the other hand, he was open to hearing that this is not my "agenda" - I told him that we could be either just getting along for S's sake, being friends, or "working toward reconsiliation" but that it has been unclear and that I am open to all of these but I need more conversation about it if we are to be clear where we stand.
This is the big scary border from DB phase one, just trying to get him not to file D by avoiding all R talks, to DB phase two, where we start trying to figure out where we are and where we are going - piecing?
It's just unclear right now. I suppose that's a better place to be than "I'm Ding you no matter what" but it still sucks. H says he wants to look at the past because he feels that the "core bond was essentially broken from the start and therefor there is nothing to fix because it can't be fixed" but is open to the discussion that it could be otherwise. H claims it's easier to start anew with a new R if he's correct that there is something fundamentally broken than try to repair 9 years of pain. That's what really got me. He's at the point where he sees it as more beneficial to toss me aside than start anew. You and I all know this is BS and a fantasy, etc, but it's a lot more painful to be faced with someone who is convinced of that.
For over a year I fantasized about being with someone else because I was afraid that my H and I were fundamentally too different. But I was in fantasy. I know that there is no perfect romance and keeping your family together if possible is more valuable. It took me a long time to get this - how am I going to get him to see this?
So that's where we stand. ADvice? Help! I need to know what to do to get him to see that this marriage is worth it. I feel like total chit right now that the man who was so in love with me in the beginning is now painting himself and engaging in an impossible, broken relationship from the start.
My only hope is that he is open to discovering he is wrong - that he "doesn't remember things correctly" as he put it. So here's my chance friends - how do I convince him he is wrong?
I'm so despondant tongiht - just crying and crying - and my car broke down.
I don't want to see this little boy grow up in two houses. I want to work on my M. I see so many things I did wrong and he did wrong and I believe we can fix it. Now how do I get him to believe that?
