Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Crap - looking for help/support. Bad day, I didn't do well. The memorial service got to me, brought on a flood of emotions that I wasn't expecting and ready for. Being so tired didn't help either. Then everyone coming up to me wanting to know how W was doing didn't help, hell I felt like she didn't even want me there. So that pissed me off, then the memorial service.

Then I had to talk to her afterwards about riding back to work and really wanted to see how she was doing. Well her wall was up and over the top and she saw right through me. She told me I as about to lose it, what was wrong. I told her the truth, I wasn't about to lose it, she said yes you are. I said I was fine, we could talk about it all later. Thought that would suffice, thought that would stall her and let me get my emotions under control and get a grip on things especially since she was with the family. Nope, not at all, she said come with me lets find somewhere to talk. I tried to stay vague, she kept pressing and seemed so cold about it. After all this, she says the memorial service helped bring closure to her and she thinks she can now move on past it, for me, it makes me a wreck. Oh freaking great. I rambled and just said the memorial service brought on a flood of emotions (true), and it was hard on me, but that I needed to and would deal with everything, accept it, move on, and be fine. She just nodded at me.

She said to me we can ride back together, that will be fine, I just don't know how long I am going to stay. I then made the mistake of saying, no you don't actually want me to ride along, I'll get another ride back. Crap, that actually came out of my mouth. She re-iterated not the case, she just didn't want me tied to waiting on her (I don't know if I believe her or not). In the end, I found another ride back.

So, I'm still not doing well. The memorial service was tough on me. Funerals and memorials are always tough on me. I kept thinking about my kids and what would happen if this happened to me or W soon, etc, etc. Of course I thought about us too, and I thought a lot about church, God, faith, etc...something we lost in out M a few years back. And that brought a lot of guilt and remorse on me as well, I don't know how we lost that but we did. During my begging/pleading stages, I suggested we get that back, she wanted nothing to do with it which is out of character for her.

And I wondered what she was thinking. I was sitting right behind her and she kept on looking back at me, so I wasn't detaching at all.

Now the next concern. I don't know if she will bring it all up again or not. She isn't the type that wants to talk about our R, probably because she doesn't feel we have one. But you never know, it could come up again.
I have to admit to myself, since I haven't detached, it hurts feeling like you got kicked to the curb. I worked my tail off to support her when she was hurting and then support her in dealing with all this, and now all of a sudden she's past it and I'm kicked to the curb, she's cold again, doesn't need me. So that quick, I go from being neede to get her thru this and take care of the kids to I'm fine, get out of my way, oh except for the next 5 days when I'm out of town for the funeral.

So, someone, give me a 2x4 or reassurance or whatever I need, I don't know, I just know I need to get a grip and get on track quickly. What today showed me is how precious and short life is and I want to get my ENTIRE family back together now.

So I'm asking for help, I'll take it any form I can get it. Thanks