I am very glad that my H has said those words to me. And it meant so much. I needed to hear that. He said to me something along the lines of "you are a woman of honor and integrity, and she knows she could never hope to be even half the woman you are." He is now realizing part of the appeal was the whole "damsel in distress" thing and his need to be a hero. So, she was a f'ed up mess and needed a good man like my H to rescue her. I was, always have been a woman of honor and integrity, and I guess H got the sense I didn't need him much anymore. Anyway, he is looking at all that in IC for himself.
I am finding the anger is dissipating a bit today. Maybe writing that letter helped more than I realized, and I think reminding myself here about who I am as a person helped.
H4U... I am guessing your W KNOWS you are the better man, but just hasn't verbalized that. It's hard for the WAS to admit to having made such a horrible mistake, it's a hit to their pride. So, I think sometimes they hope we just "know" these things because they have chosen to stay.
The important thing is that you know it to be true about you.
For what it's worth, I've heard both the "OP is a good man, a good person, a decent friend who cares for me" and "You're a better man than OP could ever be", and just about everything imaginable in between - obviously at different points of time.
Remember when you started to DB? You're a fantastic, fabulous person, irrespective of H, W, OM, OW, whatever. Your spouse is lucky (s)he woke up in time to see that. It's great you are piecing but this self-worth is valuable and empowering, never lose it again! What I was driving at is not to lose sight of this in the different emotional states you may be feeling.
And no, I do not consider myself "past" that point, rocked. I hate what OM did to my family in the past, but I will not let anyone do to me what I allowed them to do before my period of growth after.
Perhaps you can try what I did as a start towards moving on. I could not pray for OM too, but I could pray for OMW, his kids, his family. And I did pray for his wife even before I busted the A. I believe they could be having their own issuesand I feel sorry for her in a way.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Very good point. That is so true... the DB process, if we are really doing it, can be so full of personal growth! Doing 180's , setting boudaries, seeing ourselves with enough respect to decide what we will tolerate or not... it creates an inner strength that I don't ever want to lose. I have noticed that this is a vulnerability in piecing already. There could be a tendency to be so happy to have your S home that you start to slide back into the dependency, low self esteem, pleasing behaviors. In reality, our S are more likely to continue to be drawn back to us if we are strong, confident people on our own journey of personal growth, taking responsibility where we need to and calling them on it when they need to. I don't want to lose sight of that.
In reality, I wonder if we ever really do get "past" that much hurt, pain and betrayal. Probably not. But, I hope we get to the point where we can not have to deal with intensity of it so much, so often.
In my case, OW has no H, no kids to pray for. Just her and her dog. I suppose I could pray for her dog Although I have to admit I don't even want to do that...
I am posting a quote Coach put on Mindfull's thread in the newbie forum that has been impacting me today:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Williamson
Hope that speaks to someone else here like it has to me today. *sigh* just a little gift I needed today.
Had my IC appt. yesterday. Was really good, as usual. I have struggled with intrusive thoughts about H and OW, and my anger with OW as I've shared here. IC talked with me about how that gives OW more power when I allow that, and hasn't she taken enough away from me? Yup, hit the nail on the head. Drove home thinking about reclaiming my own personal power and self respect and various ways to do that. Was in a great PMA frame of mind when I got home, and walked in the door to...a very angry H. I had forgotten to tell him there would be a few of the kids friends over and they had made a big mess, music playing... ya know typical teenager stuff. I guess he had a bad day and it was too much. He blew... even threatened to move to his sister's if I would have that little respect for him not to tell him something like that so he could be prepared for it.
I stood there, dumbfounded. It was so over the top. At first, I over reacted back, defended myself, got upset. Then, went for a drive and got my wits about me. I realized I needed to set a boundary!
I came home and said, "If you have legitimate concerns about the kids and our communication, please do tell me what they are. But, it is not ok with me for you to react the way you did. And, I need you to know that when you threaten to leave over something like this, it opens up the recent trauma I experienced and that is not fair to me." H apologized, said he was barely coping yesterday, needed the peace and quiet at home and realized he took it out on me in an unfair way. And, he said he understood that the threat of leaving is completely unacceptable given what he has put me through. I needed to know he got that part of it. We ended up watching a movie with the kids and the rest of the evening went well.
Whew... that could have been a huge setback. When he said the comment about leaving, I just about booted his a#$ out the door. It could have been a blow out.
I am proud of myself for being smart enough to remove myself from the sitch until I calmed down and then coming back to calmly set a boundary.
I am learning...
emotionally exhausted today... but onwards we go...
You are my hero! Gosh, I need to learn how to work things like that! Be very proud of yourself, you earned it
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks GW! It is a learning process for all of us! And I am learning it has a lot to do with self respect! We have to respect ourselves enough to not allow our S's to treat us the way they have.
Although I have to admit I don't even want to do that...
It is a learning process for all of us! And I am learning it has a lot to do with self respect! We have to respect ourselves enough to not allow our S's to treat us the way they have.