Please Advise!!!! I Could Use Some HELP

[chatterbug]

Hello DB Family,

I am back and again thank you so much for all the encouraging and "real" answers. I can truly apprecciate everyone keeping it "real" with me. "Undefeated" because sometimes the truth is harsh and necessary some people can't OR are not ready to handle it but I so appreciate your input as it is based on similar life experiences.

I am going to reply with some comments that you may not like. But I am being honest with my opinions.

Cutterbug, YES I am happy to report that I did go and purchase the book by Shirley P Glass and WOW!!!!! How informative. I just bought it yesterday and am stunned at how it exploits EA and how the betrayed partner feels. It states that I will not see any progress of healing from the EA until one year from the anniversary my H discoverd the affair. Knowledge is power and although this book is informative it is helping me to better understand the damage I've done and why space is important.

The book also stated that the betrayed spouse may not feel as though they are ready to reconcile until they are PAID BACK IN FULL FROM THE TRAUMA of the affair. To be honest I did not realize or view this EA as a trauma. Guess because when my H and I separated I didn't think he loved or cared for me anymore. Shortly after the separation is when the affair began. This book is so in tuned with the realization of EA and how to process thru it all. I found myself shaking my head yes to a lot of different viewpoints offered.

I am glad you picked up the book. Its a good start to understanding what happened and will help you understand why both of you are acting the way you are. It also helps you come to grip with what you did. The Affair you must own completely.

I must be honest in that I am a little disappointed that my husband has not called me or reached out to me. I find myself feeling like enough already! He is just being ridiculous, after all the hard work I've put into apologizing and calling etc. I have reached the point where I am open to reconciling but understand that it won't be possible until he is ready and NO ONE knows when that is. The book stated there is a cooling period after the EA is discovered and could last 3 months. Well, Im entering my 4th month and although I see some progress it's NOT nearly where I'd like it to be. Sometimes I feel like I should just move on completely and change my phone # so he can never call me. Guess that's makes no sense cause he DOESN'T call me now.

Ok its what 2 weeks since you saw you H. Called him once... What happened to SLOOWWW... Did you send a thank you card... Have you contacted any of your friends or family and started to mend those burned bridges ??? You had a 4 month affair. You were seperated for 8 months as well. What do you think he is going to do? Take you back all is forgiven I love you lets move on like this never happened.... THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He still needs time to process what happened over the holidays. Does he know that you are still in contact with OM ? I would take it very carefully as well. Remember you have burned him once. Only you truly know what went on when you two met up. But from what I read. Sounds like he locked a little love away for you. This is a long path. Only you know if it is worth the effort.

As far as sending the OM a NC, I think it would be a fantastic idea to the the with H. I'm sure he would be thrilled to do that whenever he decides he wants to work things out.

Cutterbug, I have also thought about your questions. The reason I entered an EA was because I always felt last on my husbands priority list. I'm a very attractive woman and enjoy taking care of myself so I couldn't understand why his family and friends seemed to always come first and he could never say NO to them. I also had the SIL from hell who was jealous of our lifestyle and did everything she could to annoy me. She called all the time with drama and it appeared to me that she dictated how some of my husbands free time was spent. Helping her with her boys, going to get Starbuck's in the morning, hanging out for other events with cousins. Plus I was sick and tired of always going to a dinner and movie. He started to have some sexual issues and needed to see a Dr. and I was at my wits end so that I why I left and shortly after began the EA. The OM was younger, HOT body, very sexual, and devoted all of his free time to me. I ended the EA because I was snapped back into reality when receiving the divorce papers and realized OM was psycho and could never love or provide for me the way my husband can.

Wow... Seriously... I am going to offer some advice here.
Own your own S*%T. Do not shift blame. You own the Affair. This is a choice you made.
I Repeat.
Take ownership of your mistakes. They are yours and no one else. Do not shift Blame.

I commited adultery.
I stepped out of the marriage.
I have boundary issues with the oppositie sex.
I have communication problems.

Seriously if you ever say that to your Husband as the reason why you did what you did he is most likely going to tell you to go fly a kite. I know I would tell ladybug to F off. So things got stale and he had some issues with the plumbing so you decided to destroy your marriage and sleep with another man.

I am going to suggest that you take that excuse you wrote there and break it down to marriage issues. Issues that you both can work on if you two get back together.

I see lack of communication , lack of quality time, sex issues, and jealously.

As far as is love languages go, my H calls thoughout the day to check in on me. He likes to cook for me. He communicates frequently that he loves me but that hasn't happened in a very long time so maybe his love languages have been meaningful to someone else these days but not for me.

As far as my cooking and cleaning goes, I never really cooked or cleaned a lot. I work 8 plus hours a day and our home was pretty big for the two of us so I would hire help to clean. When my husband stated that it's not like I missed your cooking or cleaning, it was his way of making fun of the fact that I hardly cooked or cleaned unlike his mom who cooks and cleans 24/7. I would too if all I did was babysit and could a million times a day.

For the sake of my own sanity I need to just continue to not call. Continue to take myself out to the movies, get massages weekly for stress, hang out with girlfriends, and read.

If I start dating again, I'm miserable and if I wait for my husband who may never return I'm miserable. What a HOT MESS it is to be me!

Sure is so what you going to do about it. Give up ?

Own up , learn and heal.

And paitence.

You had a great time together. Believe me it was very important that you did that to your husband and that you phoned. So you know what send the card. Put your phone and address in the card.
Then wait a week and call.

Before you call him. Pamper yourself that day. Put yourself in a great mood. And call him and express happiness about your day and just say you wanted to share a happy day with him because you are feeling like a million bucks and you were smiling because you were thinking of him. Keep it short and tell him you would like to call him again if he would like that.

Then let him answer the question.