Hi there. I have a book to recommend--it's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It explains the biological--physiological reasons why you are feeling so terrible. Enlightening and helpful. You will recognize what you are feeling in that book.
Also David Burns' book Feeling Good. It will help you understand the hurtful thoughts and how to change them.
I can't overemphasize the importance of exercise and good nutrition and hot baths as well as little treats for yourself.
Also the venting you are doing here is so helpful. Get it out as much as you can or want to.
So one other thing--I am not a psychologist or anything, but I do know this. Waking up with that heaviness in the morning is a sign of depression. It is NOT who you have become. And you cannot just turn it off and become happy. Your body, brain, and soul have been traumatized and you will have to take the time to heal.
Most likely no one sees you as a sad sack. People care but do not know what to do. But it is very important to be able to express your feelings, and a lot. Besides getting a therapist if you can, what helped me were two things-- find one or two at most close friend who you can confide your feelings with and tell them why, and then sort of spread the rest around--call one person one week and another the next to chat. Not everyone needs or wants to know everything.
Expressing your feelings will give you peace. As will trying to give yourself some good experiences. Just one simple accomplishment. You may also try journaling your feelings every morning in a book after you wake up. And your dreams if you remember them. And your accomplishments from the previous day. And what you are grateful for.
These are some ideas. You will get there. Be extremely easy and kind to yourself. You are not alone at all. Many people here including me have been down this road. One day at a time. Wonder.
