After this, I dated a woman for a time - which, if any of you remember the debates at the time - I've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea. Don't do it.
So you dated a woman for a time and you've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea but you say your wife is having 2nd thoughts about the divorce now, she is showing some affection, wanting to spend time with you and questioning her relationship with the OM.
Listen Bill, you moved on and your wife finally started to see that you aren't going to wait forever but here's the catch, even though you say all of what you did say to your wife, actions are louder than words, you spend time with her, you tell each other you love each other, you talk about postponing the divorce, possibly even getting some counselling, etc.
BUT....
she is still seeing the OM.
You gave her a glimpse that you would move on if you had to and that got her worried because you removed yourself from the list of available options to her but you see you are still an option.
If she is with the OM, I wouldn't spend any time with her and in fact I would continue dating other women. If you were able to date one woman, find another and date. Date casually, it's called "hanging out", no relationship, no involvement, just meeting another person, learning about them, having some fun by going for dinner or drinks, or being an activity partner, etc.
You moving on instilled some fear of loss in your wife, before you did any dating I'm sure she wasn't as receptive as she is now, I'm sure she wasn't talking about counselling or postponing finalizing the divorce and she wasn't discussing the unfortunate side effects of a divorce: money, kids, different living arrangements, etc.
Continue to make yourself scarce, if she's still with OM all she is doing is talking, and TALK IS CHEAP.
I agree 100%
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
1) I'm not sure I WANT to be in a marriage where I have to monitor instead of trust her. That said, yeah, I see what you guys are saying. 2) The dating thing became a complicated issue, but it is something that tore my W apart. That's true. But it's old news at this point. 3) I really haven't been thinking about how I'm interacting with W because I didn't have intention of pursuing it. I haven't been DBing.
Actually, inviting her to a New Year's event was an unintentional 180 - she said, I invited her to something, vs. having her plan everything and pulling me to go out.
I snooped her again recently (which is, as I experience it, one of those soul-eroding things to do - makes you hate yourself a little) and she wrote her perspective to a friend:
Quote:
I'm really struggling the last few days. I do have a couple friends who I can talk to, but Bill has always been my best friend and it is so hard to not talk to him about this. It may sound like he's the one leaving, but it is actually me. We are in the last 30 days of the mandatory separation and now my doubts are eating me alive. But I can't get past the realization that my doubts are all around financially being able to make it, and my kids' well being.
My son is devastated. He was fine last night when I said goodnight (and Bill was here last night so he tucked him in too), but then an hour later he was bawling. He hugged his dad and wouldn't let go, and when I went down, he pushed me away even though I know he wanted comfort. That killed me. He's hurting so much and I don't know if I can take this. I went through this as a kid so I know how he feels.
It isn't like I was being beaten. Bill never verbally attacked me. Bill isn't a gambler or a drinker or an addict of any kind. There were happy times. It wasn't all bad. I can't help but wonder now in the final days if I should be staying because this may be the best there is. Like I told my mom, "If marriage is going to suck no matter who I'm with, maybe I should just be with the father of my children.". I'm loosing hope that there is something better for me in the future that will also be good for my boys.
I'm not sure that's a relationship I want to be in.
Hey, Bill. I'm glad to see you back, and you sound a lot stronger, and centered now. Glad for that.
It sounds like your W is still kind of looking for someone else to make her happy, you or an OM or whatever, instead of looking to herself to become happy. I would want 2 conditions if you reconcile: no OM (just the thought of access may help & not that you have to continually snoop), and some kind of IC for your W or MC or some kind of therapy for her.
I'm not sure that's a relationship I want to be in.
Wouldn't you want to try and fail rather than not try at all. I would give anything to try again with my W. Now after everything I have learned about what I should have or should not be doing to nuture the marriage, to sustain it, to keep it alive. I have learned you get out of it what you put into it, but we all know that right?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Karen! Good to talk with you! Yeah, I'm in a better place, no doubt, than I was. W is in therapy already - but your conditions are right now. I think we'd need a ton of MC to put this back together.
MHL - well, that's the real question, isn't it, that I need to answer for myself. I suspect the answer is yes. Otherwise I wouldn't be back here. But why? Because I should? For the kids? Because I want to avoid change? For financial reasons? I'm not sure my reasons at this point would be too far away from hers. At this point I'm kind of disgusted with her. Everyone I know tells me to get away from this woman.
I was at the house tonight, we watched TV together. She wanted to be close. She kissed me a couple of times on the forehead before she went to bed. And it didn't particularly feel good to me. You know what it is - it's FAMILIAR.
Well, it's pretty simple then. I'll send her an email today saying I'm not going to participate in any reconsilitory steps while she's in this relationship. And yeah, I need to stop spending time with her alone. Woke up realizing it's pretty black and white to me.
MHL - well, that's the real question, isn't it, that I need to answer for myself. I suspect the answer is yes. Otherwise I wouldn't be back here. But why? Because I should? For the kids? Because I want to avoid change? For financial reasons? I'm not sure my reasons at this point would be too far away from hers. At this point I'm kind of disgusted with her. Everyone I know tells me to get away from this woman.
I was at the house tonight, we watched TV together. She wanted to be close. She kissed me a couple of times on the forehead before she went to bed. And it didn't particularly feel good to me. You know what it is - it's FAMILIAR.
Gotta go to bed. Thanks for listening, guys.
I'm starting to feel the same exact way!
Last edited by luvless; 01/12/1004:25 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I was at the house tonight, we watched TV together. She wanted to be close. She kissed me a couple of times on the forehead before she went to bed. And it didn't particularly feel good to me. You know what it is - it's FAMILIAR.
David cunningham calls it "comfortably unhappy" Sounds like she is too
good luck Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
She needs to stop seeing the other man. Until she does, you will not allow yourself to feel anything more. It's been too long,too damage has been done. Your self protection systems work now. And that's how it should be IMO.
Remember, where the heads goes, the heart follows. And I have been/goig thru something similar. I think I know how you feel. K
I've thought a lot about our discussion on Sunday. I'm not willing to delay the divorce while you're maintaining a relationship with another man. It's that simple. I'm not your buddy and I'm not OK with continuing to act that way. We should talk about what we really want to do.
Let me know - - Bill
My money is on her pushing forward for the divorce. So we'll see.
