1) I'm not sure I WANT to be in a marriage where I have to monitor instead of trust her. That said, yeah, I see what you guys are saying. 2) The dating thing became a complicated issue, but it is something that tore my W apart. That's true. But it's old news at this point. 3) I really haven't been thinking about how I'm interacting with W because I didn't have intention of pursuing it. I haven't been DBing.
Actually, inviting her to a New Year's event was an unintentional 180 - she said, I invited her to something, vs. having her plan everything and pulling me to go out.
I snooped her again recently (which is, as I experience it, one of those soul-eroding things to do - makes you hate yourself a little) and she wrote her perspective to a friend:
Quote:
I'm really struggling the last few days. I do have a couple friends who I can talk to, but Bill has always been my best friend and it is so hard to not talk to him about this. It may sound like he's the one leaving, but it is actually me. We are in the last 30 days of the mandatory separation and now my doubts are eating me alive. But I can't get past the realization that my doubts are all around financially being able to make it, and my kids' well being.
My son is devastated. He was fine last night when I said goodnight (and Bill was here last night so he tucked him in too), but then an hour later he was bawling. He hugged his dad and wouldn't let go, and when I went down, he pushed me away even though I know he wanted comfort. That killed me. He's hurting so much and I don't know if I can take this. I went through this as a kid so I know how he feels.
It isn't like I was being beaten. Bill never verbally attacked me. Bill isn't a gambler or a drinker or an addict of any kind. There were happy times. It wasn't all bad. I can't help but wonder now in the final days if I should be staying because this may be the best there is. Like I told my mom, "If marriage is going to suck no matter who I'm with, maybe I should just be with the father of my children.". I'm loosing hope that there is something better for me in the future that will also be good for my boys.
I'm not sure that's a relationship I want to be in.
