To save yourself a bit of aggravation do not "explain" things to her. If your WAS is like mine she will go in circles to make her point.
Make clear declarations and let her know NO further discussion will take place regarding the family unit or anything else she has chosen to eliminate from her life. You do not have to explain anything to her (for your own sanity its better you don't).
Have you given her a move out date that she must fund on her own? When are you planning to split the finances?
To save yourself a bit of aggravation do not "explain" things to her. If your WAS is like mine she will go in circles to make her point.
Make clear declarations and let her know NO further discussion will take place regarding the family unit or anything else she has chosen to eliminate from her life. You do not have to explain anything to her (for your own sanity its better you don't).
Have you given her a move out date that she must fund on her own? When are you planning to split the finances?
CG,
I am meeting with my L this week. Have to pull the money for a retainer for that. When I meet with my L, I will ask about those questions.
Very good! Make sure she will be repaying your legal fees
And, I didn't mean you shouldn't discuss co-parenting with her when I said no discussions about the family unit. I meant no more discussions about what you have decided regarding things she thought would still remain after a D (trips, holidays and so on).
I spoke to W and told her that she and I had been on our last trip together.
Good for you for putting a quick, decisive end to her literal trip to Fantasyland
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Of course, she got angry (as I expected she would) and I was the bad guy. I was being unreasonable/selfish for not laying aside my interests and thinking of the childrens' best interests..., that her filing the D action was merely a reaction to our "relationship."
Yep, you're the Monster now as she begins to take up residence in her own figurative FantasyLand.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
(b/c, of course, people stay friends all the time even after D)
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I also asked her if she really thought I would (a) go on vacation with her and (b) stay at her parents. All she said in response was that her parents had been "gracious" enough to offer to let us stay at their place. Huh?
Evasive, non-sequitur, dodging "dialog" begins.
Aside from all your many other attributes and strengths, you've had a lot of roller coaster-riding experience. Hang on, buddy and you'll get through it all fine.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I spoke to W and told her that she and I had been on our last trip together. I told her we would not be going on S's birthday trip and that this was a consequence of her filing for D, which was her decision to break up the family. I told her filing for D and going on "family" vacations were mutually exclusive items. You can't do both.
Good. You had to burst her little bubble sometime or another.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Of course, she got angry (as I expected she would) and I was the bad guy.
Of course... what else is new in WASland.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I was being unreasonable/selfish for not laying aside my interests and thinking of the childrens' best interests
Yep, BBB (blah, blah, blah)... good thing you expected it.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
(b/c, of course, people stay friends all the time even after D),
I can't remember, but have you shared this line with her before? "For the sake of our children I will maintain a cordial, civil relationship with you from this point forward. Any friendship we had is now over. I am no longer be your friend or confidant. The sooner you register this into your head the better."
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
that her filing the D action was merely a reaction to our "relationship."
She is living in delusion, isn't she?
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I explained that the decision not to go had nothing to do with not keeping the childrens' interests at heart. I said people who are D'ing do not vacation together.
GIMA, maybe it's time you stopped 'explaining' to her and start 'deciding.' From this point forward you don't owe her any more explanations and don't need to excuse yourself either.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I also asked her if she really thought I would (a) go on vacation with her and (b) stay at her parents. All she said in response was that her parents had been "gracious" enough to offer to let us stay at their place. Huh?
Trying to reason is a futile exercise. The only reason that is understood is "the carrot and the stick."
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
That, however, does not make them right or defensible.
Agreed. You know this, we know this... unfortunately the other halves of people on this site don't.
Thanks Gardener and Gnosis. I don't enjoy these discussions, but they are becoming second nature to me. I don't worry about her reaction (what's the worst that will happen? that she D's me?).
I have accepted that she thinks it is "normal" (no, really that she EXPECTS)for us to be best friends after a D I don't agree with that will have the effect of splitting up our family and depleting our finances. While I have accepted this, I will NEVER understand it. So, I won't try any more. It just IS.
I have accepted that she thinks it is "normal" (no, really that she EXPECTS)for us to be best friends after a D I don't agree with that will have the effect of splitting up our family and depleting our finances. While I have accepted this, I will NEVER understand it. So, I won't try any more. It just IS.
Gima, my H says he wants us to be friends eventhough he has ow. He says b/c of our history and our children we should aim to be friends. Translation; "Cas, you should do everything to minimise my guilt and discomfort. You do the work and I will accept such gestures graciously but I won't make any sincere efforts."
Another unrealistic and unreasonable expectation from WAS
I have accepted that she thinks it is "normal" (no, really that she EXPECTS)for us to be best friends after a D I don't agree with that will have the effect of splitting up our family and depleting our finances. While I have accepted this, I will NEVER understand it. So, I won't try any more. It just IS.
Gima, my H says he wants us to be friends eventhough he has ow. He says b/c of our history and our children we should aim to be friends. Translation; "Cas, you should do everything to minimise my guilt and discomfort. You do the work and I will accept such gestures graciously but I won't make any sincere efforts."
Another unrealistic and unreasonable expectation from WAS
Cas,
I couldn't agree with you more. A "friend" does not do what my W has decided to do. And if that is a "friend," I don't need any of those.
GIMA I couldnt have a friendship with my H if we wernt together, its just too much to ask for us to be friends with someone we still care deeply for certainly beyond a friendship and just limit it to friendship.
Why do they seem to think the hand of friendship is enough to passify us? How would they feel if they loved someone and were asked to reduce it to a friendship over night, I dont think they'd like it much either.
Keep your chin up GIMA and remember you can say no to a friend!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Why do they seem to think the hand of friendship is enough to passify us?
I don't think they are doing it for us. They are doing it to reduce the guilt/conflict they are fighting.
But, I agree with you. Friends is not what I want from her. I want to be her best friend inside a happy M. And I want her to be my best friend inside a happy M. Nothing less.
