It is so hard right now, seeing the damage that was done by me and by X. D19 was home from college the last few weeks and it was nice to have all 4 kids together, but it also drove home to me how dysfunctional my life was. The older two girls did a lot of "joking and teasing" of the younger two and me. I realized that they have inherited their dad's style of joking, which when you get right down to is mean. He was always quick to point out everything negative and mask it in a joke. As the years went on I finally got the courage to tell him it hurt my feelings when he was so negative and derogatory. He basically told me I was wrong for feeling hurt because he was just kidding. It was just one more wedge between us. I have struggledd with the younger two to make them see that mean does not equal funny. And we are doing pretty good with it....then the older two were here together, and it was a big step back. I found myself slipping into a dark mood, and having some anxiety again. I didn't address them with it either, but I think next time I will hae to, because I am not going back down that trail of feeling bad about myself becauses of the negativity.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
