Marriage Hanging by a Thread

[godhelpme]

Wow... thank you all.

I am so glad that all of the experts have come by the thread. I am just reading Dane's thread (read it before but now with a different light) and will be back to post further comments.

I'm not going to deny. I'm not a fool. Like I said, the writing is on the wall. (locked phone, removed online cell bill, 3 divorcing cheating friends, 2 am 1 hour phone calls, planning vacation to instantly moving out, not being able to sleep unless I was beside her to 6 weeks of limited contact). Somebody is supporting her big-time! And judging by things in the bedroom, I'm betting this is more than physical. My god, I gave her my credit card for a hotel to stay at the night she moved out.

Have I caused huge damage waiting 6 weeks since her moving out to get on this?

[godhelpme]

Just thinking of a few things. I was so blind to the influence of her friends. She got a promotion and started hanging out with colleagues. These woman were leaving their husbands and going out to the bar and aggressively looking to sleep with other guys. My W was appalled by their behaviour. She came home, one night flopped in bed and said "I am so disgusted by them. Their marriages are not like ours. We have a good marriage. I would never act like them." Here we are a few months later and she has become them. At the time, I thought to myself, I have a good W with good morals. The old saying is true - "You are a reflection of your friends."

I vacillate between absolute anger and compassion.

[godhelpme]

Alright. I read the first part of Dane's thread. I am committed to not blowing this.

@ PDT - I can definitely "fake it". We are limited to no contact. I have gone dark.

@ Deep - I started working on myself as soon as she left. I have lost 30 pounds running and working out. I have connected with family and friends. I am going to IC to work on the issues I caused in the marriage. I have definitely validated her in marriage counselling. I have owned all the blame she has thrown at me. This does justify her actions and ease her guilt.

I am hiring a PI to get to the bottom of this.

[godhelpme]

Alright... so I am trying to do as much homework as possible. I am working with a lot of people. Here is a summary of the situation:

Pastor - Gather more intel, I have trusted long enough.

Dr. Huizenga - Hold tight and gather more intel to determine type of affair.

DB Coach - Call on Wednesday.

MC Friend - Says I should confront with MC as soon as possible. Downplayed the risk of minimizing. Whether it is emotional or physical, she is still way out of line seeking to have her needs met outside of the marriage. My W says she loves me and is committed to the marriage. How is she going to show it? Should discuss concrete goals for MC with W. If she is going to work on the marriage there needs to be NC with other man and transparency. W says this is about trust and that takes time. Ask her how I can build trust while NC with her continues?

Main IC / MC - Session this evening.

Puppy & other DB Veterans - Hold tight and gather more intel.

As you can see... I don't want to screw this up.

[godhelpme]

I guess I should also get my butt to a lawyer.

[godhelpme]

I am doing search on the OM details now. Should have the results in a few days. I am so sick about this.

Puppy - would you start surveillance? It's a little tough at this point. I might get photos of them holding hands or kissing at the end of night (or morning!!). I won't be able to get hard voice details.

Could anyone comment on how long I have before this becomes irreparable? (or is it already.)

I am burning so much money between counselling and investigations.

[godhelpme]

One more bit of information... wife asked me a while back... "do you think we should have an open marriage?"

[TrentC]

One more bit of information... wife asked me a while back... "do you think we should have an open marriage?"

Well, do you?

I'm assuming the answer is no, so tell her so.

[godhelpme]

I did tell her no. I was just pointing out that it is just one more indicator of an affair.

At the time I took it as a joke. When your blind, your blind.

[TrentC]

Could anyone comment on how long I have before this becomes irreparable? (or is it already.)

I am burning so much money between counselling and investigations.

When it's irreparable is when one or the both of you decide it is. Marriages can and do recover from infidelity.

As for burning the money, how much is your marriage worth to you? That's not meant as a goad, it's an honest question. If your wife was in the hospital with a life-threatening illness, would you be debating how much money to spend helping her to get better?

This is the same thing, only it's your marriage on life support.