My recent crisis started on 12/16/10. My wife and I were sitting with our pastor and she stated that our marriage was dead and that she wanted a divorce. I was crushed. She said that she wanted me to move out. To say the least I was spinning. We were to leave for a vacation to my parents with our S3. I took our son and my wife went to PA with her folks for the holidays. While on vacation I found this site and received good advice and followed it. I started changing the way in which I thought and started seeing what was really important. I was able to understand my part in her wanting to leave and started focusing on the things that I needed to do for me and my S3.
I came back 3 days before my wife returned. I told her nothing about my awakening. I just said that I wanted to talk when she got back. I had the entire house clean and tidy when she returned. I did this b/c if we were getting a D and we lived by ourselves then I would have to do all of the household chores at my place. (Just getting used to it, plus it’s a big 180) She returned and I stated that I have decided that I was not moving out and that I was going to start sleeping in my bed. The conversation lasted over three hours. My part that I had to say to her lasted all of 15 min. “I did not get married and have a son to live in a broken family. Our son deserves frequent and equal contact with both parents and to see both of their parents happy. I see many other ways to make this work other than D, but if that is your choice, I will not stand in your way. You deserve to be happy. I have decided not to move out, if you would like to leave that is your choice.” I listened, validated and kept my mouth shut. The next day was difficult and on the following day she wrote me a letter and we talked about the R that night. She said she wanted to work on M. I have talked with her and told her that I don’t expect her to believe anything that comes out of my mouth b/c of all the times that I had said I would change and that I would have to show her from here on. When she said she wanted me to tell her why I had done something to hurt her I would first listen and then validate and then I would repeat that in some form saying that she needs to see the change. She said that she noticed the little changes (i.e. new/different clothes, wearing cologne, going out w/o her, and that none of my stuff was laying around, I have reinserted my spine)
More about our history later. After about a week of seeming to get along is where I am now.
She says that she is attracted to me again and that she wants to try to work things out. First I am surprised that she is willing to listen and work on us, b/c in the past I have not given her the support that she needed. I am really unsure of how to react when she does something similar to the way she did them in the past. How do I remain supportive and call her on her stuff that bothers me. Or do I call her on it? How do I go on making the changes that I need to do for me with her willing to work on the M? I was expecting to have to do this w/o her around much longer and prepared for that? How do I switch gears?
Any advice?
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
