Help w MLC / WAW... Jack 3 Beans?

[kjensen]

Sometimes its easier just to think they are abducted by aliens!

MLC doesn't seem to be studied well in the medical community, at least I couldn't find much for myself searching through PubMed..

Depression is often entertwined with self-esteem issue/unresolved childhood issues..its a pretty gray area of science.

Being a surgeon, I would imagine you like things black and white, cut and dried..this is none of that and that's why it can be so hard for us LBS. Hard to watch from the sidelines and not help and not understand the direction of their behavior, to see our spouses flipping around and being so very inconsistent..

To know that that is how it is, the inconsistency, the lying, the script helps a bit...

[bradley11]

I would advise, stop telling her how YOU think she should do anything. It is not up to you how she handles her life. Even if she asks. That is considered control and will be turned around at you.

Do not judge her therapist. That too is not your call. The only thing you can control in this is you. That doesn’t not mean be a doormat but you do need to remember this…

What you do now will not fix your M, but everything you do now may fix your M.

That may not make a lot of sense but it is true. As your W works through this, she will remember how you treated her during this. How you reacted, how you either tried to direct her, or how you were there to just listen, be her friend.

Knowing that what she says is untrue, is good for you because it helps you to not sink to your rock bottom, but you don’t have to throw it in her face each time either.

Validate, not defend. Show her that you are different. Don’t try to tell her, she won’t hear it right now. But she will see it. If it is true. Believe me, they know when it isn’t. That alien radar works really well.

man this is good stuff...thank you! It really rings true and sounds right.

great advice about the lies-- won't throw them in her face. I don't believe anything she says anyhow so that makes it easier.

the even if she asks part...that is good. because she asked this morning how to go about her day, and I told her to turn off her phone... she sent me an email thanking me for my good advice, but it was in alien speak so I could barely understand it.

Being a surgeon, I would imagine you like things black and white, cut and dried..this is none of that and that's why it can be so hard for us LBS. Hard to watch from the sidelines and not help and not understand the direction of their behavior, to see our spouses flipping around and being so very inconsistent..

To know that that is how it is, the inconsistency, the lying, the script helps a bit...

hey I figured out how to do the text box thing!

you are right.. my mind is not equipped very well to deal with this, but for sure, learning to understand the inconsistencies are the rule is surely helpful.

anyone here watch the U.S. of Tara on showtime? It involves a woman with muliple personalities... very reminiscent!

it is a pheomenal show, though, and Toni Colette is jawdroppingly good in it...

[bradley11]

reading some resources-- 6 stages, the ser(mans)

it is eerie how accurate it all is. amazing.

with her it seems like she is in like 4 of them all at once--...

but it is fairly uncanny.

[Cadet]

with her it seems like she is in like 4 of them all at once--..

You need to know that she probably is in all 4 at once.
The stages don't go 1,2,3,4,5,6, they are all over the place and more than 1 at a time. The time line is also not really accurate but more of just a guide.

It is good stuff though!

[trustingfaith]

OP is right. They don't follow the stages in a linear pattern (though wouldn't that be nice!:) and in those time frames. They do bounce all over and can most definitely be in more than one at a time. Have you read the midlife for dummies yet? I think that is the script they are all handed out when the start their MLC.:)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

what I don't really understand is why and how people are able to get past that. I mean I feel that super strong love and attraction waning from me, and I cannot love someone who has lied and betrayed me for so long-- and basically attempted to ruin my life.

The woman your batshit carzy wife is today. Is that the woman you married?

Cause...if so...then this really does fall on your bad choice. I hope she was a demon in bed.

The reason I ask, goes alittle something like this.
If your wife currently was nothing like she was a few months or years ago...then something changed.

A moral person who suddenly become immoral. An honest person who suddenly starts lying, a person who starts betraying their core values?

Something is up and it isn't a sudden desire to be an asshat.

One of my favorite definitions of MLC is the fracturing of the mind. Some button (event) triggers the repressed memories (fears) that occured as a child. That happened because as a child they couldn't deal. The mind fractures into a mix of that child and the adult.
Insta-f-ing-crazy person.

A normally logical person, is now overwhelmed with emotion, and confusion. Let me repeat and use Caps to empathize. OVERWHELMED.

If she was doing this on purpose to you buddy, I'd say she is pure evil and that you should put her down with a stake in her heart.

Guess what she is not.

Normally I'd ask if the roles where reversed, would she stand by you, while you went off the deep end...but screw that, the MLC usually isn't built that way, in the end most wouldn't. So instead, CAN YOU? If you are an LBS more than likely you are by design or mental fortitude resistant to having a MLC.

Do not take any of the above the wrong way, it is not a 2x4 to you.

But you need to let go of the idea that she is doing all of this on purpse to hurt you. She doesn't have the ability to plan her breakfast tomorrow. She is not evil. The seeds of MLC are far from her fault, her childhood was geared toward one.

Do not underestimate her.

Your anger, use it to shield yourself from the BS, but do not use it to lash out at her.

Calling her when you are angry...not the best idea.

Snooping becomes and addiction for the LBS, and that is where you will keep hurting yourself.
The PI?
Your call, I wouldn't.
She ended it with OM. Mine said she did too, she didn't. This is one of those high percentages that makes it hard to believe. Stop talking about the OM.

If your wife was always evil, then divorce her. If this is not the case then MLC is likely, and stop talking about divorce.

You came here for a reason. You are not special, you aren't the quick fix. You are however an amazing guy going through some of the harderst crap a person can go through...and I'm telling you you can make it.

Stop reacting to bad news, with knee jerk reactions like over %50 of the rest of the population (sheep) does. Be better than that, your marraige, you and your wife (who is actually somewhere deep inside this crazy bithmonster) deserve it.

Vent here.

Stop repeating mistakes, learn, grow. Live.

[bradley11]

trusting faith-

I did read midlife for dummies. funny and hard to take at the same time since it is so accurate

[bradley11]

The woman your batshit carzy wife is today. Is that the woman you married?

definitely not. not even close.

Guess what she is not.

thank you. I don't think so either...

Normally I'd ask if the roles where reversed, would she stand by you, while you went off the deep end

I think the old her would...

Do not take any of the above the wrong way, it is not a 2x4 to you.

I don't.

But you need to let go of the idea that she is doing all of this on purpse to hurt you. She doesn't have the ability to plan her breakfast tomorrow. She is not evil.

I do not think she is doing this on purpose... and you are totally right. she does not have the ability to plan her breakfast tomorrow... thus the "how am I supposed to go about my day" question.

Calling her when you are angry...not the best idea.

agreed... I don't think I did-- maybe something back there suggested it?

The PI?
Your call, I wouldn't.

Ok. this is a serious one that I will take your advice on. I guess I'd like for you to elaborate on that. I think you know mine... really revolves around having ammo for the D... not going there yet though.

Ok will stop talking about the om.. (might need the 2x4 for that one)

If your wife was always evil, then divorce her. If this is not the case then MLC is likely, and stop talking about divorce.

OK.

You are not special,

the hell I'm not!

I will try and stop repeating mistakes, but the bank account thing was key to me regaining a foothold on my sanity. this of course brought about all this other stuff... which gets to the issue of--- nothing was working before and we were cycling. don't you agree that doing something different helped? at least I think it helped me! probably nothing would help her, huh-- except maybe getting a job so she could focus.

one main issue is I have a time line myself. i do not think I want to just move to the town where she is to do the job that is there which is sortof a step down for me. it is a job with general surgery (butts, poop) and no cardiac. I spent 9 years to become a heart surgeon. I'd be essentially giving that up. thus I am probably going to need to get a job elsewhere with a move in 6 months. this obviously will make her have to make some sort of decision about whether or not she wants to divorce or come with. this is not the "space" type of gesture that some talk about here... so I'm not sure how all that is gonna play out, but I do not think I should sacrifice everything I have worked for to move to a town that my wife left me to move to so that, presumably, she could be with another guy.

[trustingfaith]

It is most definitely easier to laugh at the longer you have been dealing with this. The similarities to what they say/do is kind of eerie.

[bradley11]

one other interesting thing I saw somewhere back there in the resources about a timeline--- starting with a nervous breakdown.

she had one back in 2007-- I was in the hospital and she kept trying to page me over and over again-- and it was on vibrate. I was operating and they didn't answer-- she called 911 and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance with both 4 year olds. she keeps bringing this up that I just stood in the doorway when I came in and saw her.. of course I was shocked-- but she says I didn't come to console her-- and that is when I "lost" her.
of course there were many great times after that.

but it is interesting how the other story had a similar episode in a similar time line...