If it makes you feel better to act with love and friendship then I think you should continue that. However, if it ever comes down to it and you really need to let go, friendship may not be an option, as least until the pain is more manageable.
I will still always act w/ friendship to her and now to everyone. I have let my emotions rule me for too long, and yes it is better for me. I don't feel pain after I am with her I feel friendship. I am to the point now that I really have to actively think about the sitch or my W in order to feel pain. Don't know if that is detatchment or if it is time, I still want my W back.
Originally Posted By: dwinter82
Her D requests are BS!! You have a right for joint custody just as much as she does. She is the one asking for the D, why should you have to pay for it? If you can, you two really need to sit down and try to work through this and come up with an agreement together.
First, I know from MIL that her getting a L was not her idea, it was her sister's and I am pretty sure my W's aunt paid for him. This was done while she was in the hospital, so I think the L thing has taken a life of its own. Her SIL & Aunt think that b/c I work for a bank that I make a lot of money, I don't but we put on a pretty good show. We used our house like an ATM for the last 2 years, no surprise here but when the money ran out is when the problems really started to surface. So, SIL & Aunt and my W think that this is going to be some fairy tale divorce for her where she soaks me and goes on to live in a house or condo funded by some money we don't have. The sad thing is we are going to spend $6-8K between us to hammer out a separation agreement that we could do ourselves and pay a paralegal to file. I have tried to talk to my wife and she just says she doesn't want to talk about it and to talk to her L and that I should get a L. I tried talking to her L and he is a complete a$$, he thinks she entitled to some money from me, WTF???? She rents a bedroom for $400/month, and is having trouble meeting her car payment, credit card(s)??, and living expenses, I still pay her car ins and health ins. She is completely clueless, we will lose the house if somehow I have to pay her money or if she gets back in the house and I am out there is no way I make enough to give her and her be able to keep the house. Even if I fell on my sword and let her move back and I move out to keep the kid's lives stable, I could give her 75% of my paycheck and it would not be enough. It is going to take Lawyer to communicate that to her but even then I don't know what will happen. I am turning it over to God and take it day by day.
Originally Posted By: dwinter82
Do not cancel the MC!! If she is willing to go, use it as an oppurtunity to show her you understand her perspective on things......... I would bring up the infidelity issue in a respectuful manner and let the MC guide you through the discussion.
I am leaning towards this angle of attack, I am just curious about what her counselor is telling her and what she is thinking and how they will respond. Mind you, these are Christian counselors, I am wondering if they are going to call her out on the fact that her continued adultery is not right. If her counselor even hints that it is okay b/c we are separated I am going to jump up and throw the bible at her counselor. I truly believe that these Christian counselors, hers and mine, are responsible for where our marriage is at today. They are of the mind that you fix the individual first then fix the marriage. I will talk to my DB coach on Tues. before the appt. to see what she thinks.
Sorry to all for the long post. I have also been accused of talking too much.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Contact from the Mother Ship!!! My W must have temporarily taken back consciousness from the alien inhabiting her body.
I have not spoken to my W since Thursday, 1-7-10 and exchanged a couple of emails on Friday about MC session next week. My W called at 9:15 pm on Friday night and left message saying goodnite to all of us, this is unusual b/c she never calls at night on the weekends. No one was home, D13 sleepover w/ friend, S9 and I at a friends house until late. I'm sure she was headed out for the evening and wanted to act-as-if she cared. The only thing is the message had that rambling, unsure what to say sound that my messages sound like that I leave for her.
Well just now I get a text from my W, this is the first of its kind ever since this nightmare began.
W: I called on fri. Y no call back? M: Sorry, how's it going W: How r the kids? M: Good, S9 is playing w friend, D13 is w friend upstairs. W: I won't be able to call tonite. Can u tell S9 n D13 i love them n ill call S9 in the am.
Obviously, the alien took back over on the last text. It is amazing that with all the communication technology we have today that my W (the alien) can not call to talk to S9 for 5 minutes. D13 still hates (the alien) and won't speak to her. My W will usually say she can't call at some point in the future when she is up to something she should not be doing. She has not spoken to our S9 since Friday morning. This reinforces that the WAW involved in an affair is truly under the influence of chemicals that release in the brain while with OM. What kind of mother completely abandons her children the way my W has? Even some of the worst case scenarios on these boards don't compare with what I am dealing with. Just another entry in notebook of the great alien abduction.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Had a bad morning, my fault though. I did not get the paperwork together over the weekend that the L needs. I met with L today. I started grabbing old tax returns to copy today and I just started sobbing. I don't know why, I am not missing my W, it is more of the whole sitch with having to gather all this stuff from our past. I think that is it, it is OUR past, I am faced with my future but she will still be a part of it and that is hard. I was tempted to call her but stayed strong and did not. Halfway to work my IC called to confirm joint MC session on Wed with ME, MY W, HER IC, and MY IC. it will be a party, yeah!
I told my IC I was having doubts about MC session, it was more of my idea but my W agreed pretty quickly and she set it up. I billed it as a boundry setting session after the FB/bar incident last Sat. My IC said I should keep the session, that way I can communicate how I feel when she is dating OM, going out, ETC. He said that her IC is trying to tell her how destructive her behavior is to the her and her family. She is still going to her IC, I think on a weekly basis, I must say that I am interested in how her IC is interacting with her. This is a Christian Counselor and supposedly still trying to save our marriage. Open to any suggestions.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Sorry to hear you are having a bad morning. Dealing with D stuff is difficult but hang in there and be strong for yourself and the kids. Focus on what you can control...You!! Look good, be happy, live a better life, etc.
The MC is likely going to be tough as well. You are likely going to hear comments from your wife that will hurt. Be mentally prepared for that and stay positve. It is good her IC is pointing out how destructive her behavior is. I wish someone was telling my W that. Keep in mind that is your sitch, MC is a very positive thing. At best, it may help your W better understand what she is doing to the kids and the family, and if she comes out of her alien shell, what she is loosing, you. At worst, it may help smooth the D process and help define how to move forward in a civil manner and in a way that will not hurt the kids.
I am starting to feel like the two of us are on our own little DB island...has everyne else from the community left?
I somewhat agree, I posted in newcomers for advice on Wednesday's MC session and got some responses. I will post on it tonight to kick it up to the top again for other perspectives.
I feel like a lot of people on these boards are more "hostile" towards their WAS and as we have discussed, I don't think that is the right attitude. I think the actions discussed are correct but you have to keep a loving attitude towards the spouse, otherwise what is the point? Maybe the positive attitude has turned others away from our sitch's.
I hope and pray that I am a success story someday and people can look back and see a different approach. Off to the L office. Ltr.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Missherlove, I feel partly to blame for your bad morning with the paperwork. But I do want to thank you again for your advice. I'll be praying for you on Wed and hope the session goes well.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Mb28, I am more than glad to help, like I said if i can help someone else based on what I have gone through and what I am going through it helps me and makes me a better person too.
Well retained a L today, Something about talking to a L that makes you not so optimistic. I need to find my way back to my positive self, I feel like I am slipping a little here. I will have to spend some time in success stories tonight. What gets me down though is having to wade through all this paperwork to get this separation done and I do not want this to happen. I wish my W had not gotten pushed into getting a L b/c I don't think she would have gotten one on her own. Oh well, I need to get this done, so I can get back to DBing.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Okay now I am having doubts, I have been busy today and last night so I have not been posting like I have in the past but take a look at my thread in newcomers, you will be shocked, but DB coach convinced me today this is what I need to do.
DW you have seen the pic, that will be there also. DB coach said it is okay to do this in C session. WHAT DO YOU THINK? I will not be back on the boards for a couple of hours. Here is the link to the thread.
MHL, I have not seen the pic...I looked but did not see it. FB??
I read your new post as well and I am going to be very honest with you. I agree with everything you said and beleive it is the right approach. However, I am not as enthusiast about it as others because I know this is going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Once you say those things you are going to need to stick by them; if you do not your W will lose respect for you and you may also lose respect for yourself. I could be full of it here!!
I said the same things to my W and have been taking this approach for 4 months...it has been pure agony (and I have backed down a few times because I have needed the family time so bad). I say this not to get you down but to prepare you. Both of us have been struggling with how to deal with our W's. Should we try to be there friends or just friendly? Either way we are getting slapped in the face becuase of their behaviors. My W's adultry is in the open to me and her family. She obviously does not think she is doing anything wrong and has justifed in acting this way because we are seperated and as of right now, the M is dead. None the less, how do I treat my W knowing all of this. I am either friendly or an ass. I have talked to divorced people who have gone through exactly what I am going through and the spouses hate one another. This in turn has hurt their kids. My W may be hurting the kids but I refuse to add to their pain. Thus, I will be friendly as I think you should be.
I guess my point to all of this is to take a step back, try to remove the emotion and think objectively. I think this aproach is the right thing to do but make sure it is right for you. We have the burden of making the best out of a terrible sitch. Like you said, I do not want to walk away from this a bitter person and I know you do not want to either. Ok, I will shup up now.
