Most of you know my story. Spouse had an A with a coworker. After one false R that lasted several months, finally got fed up with her breaking NC and she asked to D. Shortly thereafter, W came over and asked me to reconcile. This was after I'd exposed the A and OM got in trouble. When I discussed it later with her, she said she was unsure. I then went dark for a month or so. I moved away and things somewhat changed. She added me as a friend on social networking page and I get text messages from her a few times a week. We still share a piece of property, so she will sometimes contact me about it's upkeep. I have not brooched the marriage issue in several months. I don't get the impression she wants to do it, but I think she's comfortable with things the way they are. As for me, I am patiently waiting on things. Any suggestions on how to proceed with the wife?
Hi, Jumpyninja, I have seen your name but not read your threads yet!
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I have not brooched the marriage issue in several months. I don't get the impression she wants to do it, but I think she's comfortable with things the way they are. As for me, I am patiently waiting on things.
Am I right to assume she knows that YOU want to reconcile some day? I will try to catch up on your old thread, but it would be awesome if she caught wind of your GALing efforts, even though it is for you. Do you think that she is comfortable with things because she isn't sure what she wants? Or do you think she wants the marriage to be over? Or for another reason?
How long can you be patient do you think? Personally I never expected to be "patient" for over 9 months but here I am.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I don't get the impression she wants to do it, but I think she's comfortable with things the way they are. As for me, I am patiently waiting on things. Any suggestions on how to proceed with the wife?
Jumpy, I can't remember if OM was still on the scene. I remember everything else about your sitch.
W will always be comfortable with the way things are. Why shouldn't she be? You are filling her EN's right now, and if OM is still on the scene he will be too.
If you see you guys reconciling by continuing what you are doing then stay the course. If not then you have nothing to lose ... shake it up a little ... just like a snow globe ...
What is the worst that can happen if you shake it up? You don't reconcile? Well you wouldn't be shaking it up if there was a chance of that happening anyway ... so as I said, what is the worst that can happen (queue Dr Pepper music)?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
P17 - Man you look and sound like a different person than the one I remember back in October/November. Good to see. In terms of the OM, I am not entirely sure. When I did NC with her several months ago, I stopped looking and caring. When she reestablished contact, I did some checking on the social networking and he was still a friend. I said that I wouldn't deal with her while it was going on and she dropped him. Also, a couple of people I know indicated that they believed so based on some statements made by one of HER friends. On the flip side though, I know I made it very, very difficult. Because of a pet, a late night meeting is less of an option unless she goes home first, which is quite a drive. There's also the trouble that OM got into when I first went to his supervisors. Now, I did see some public comments on her page in Mid-November, but nothing since then, and his page has indicated that OM may have returned to his wife. When she added me, I advised her But I really don't know for sure. Not sure what'll happen if I keep up the status quo. I know she abided by the NC until I moved away, then asked to do so once I left. It is generally minor stuff, about our house and pet. I guess the thing is, I'm not sure I like this slow status quo, it is frustrating wondering whether or not things are getting better or not, plus opportunities for me to see other people are beginning to emerge (albeit very slowly).
Newmana I never expected to be "patient" either, but found myself doing so as well. I chalk that up to some of my mother's advice. I am not sure what's going on in her head. She claims that she hasn't been happy in years (common statement) and she's convinced others, namely her mother of that. Personally, I don't think she wants a divorce because if she did she could've gotten one. I wasn't going to stand in the way, and I gave her most everything when I left. I think she's scared about the work for reconciliation because she'd have to face up to what she did and accept responsibility for it. She is particularly scared of my friends and family (my friends did not react well) and anyone who knows about what she did.
I guess the thing is, I'm not sure I like this slow status quo, it is frustrating wondering whether or not things are getting better or not, plus opportunities for me to see other people are beginning to emerge (albeit very slowly).
How long do you feel like waiting--and how long have you been seperated now? How long since the A started? And have you stayed friends with the female coworker who loves you?
If tou decide you don't want to be in status quo aby longer, why not ask her what she's thinking? What are the pros and cons to that?
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She is particularly scared of my friends and family (my friends did not react well) and anyone who knows about what she did.
I think if you brought up discussion about the relationship, you could explain how the two of you could deal with family and friends.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Had a conversation with her earlier tonight and it will continue later. I asked her what our situation is. She indicated that she wasn't sure. She's gotten complacent. She all but admitted it.
A most interesting and frustrating conversation if there ever was one. She seems extremely complacent and OK with the status quo. This discussion turned into one similar to the ones we've had before. I asked her if she wanted a D, she said that I was supposed to do it. I told her I didn't want one and wanted her to do it. I asked her whether she enjoyed the current situation and she said she was fine with it. She even went so far as to say that she was willing to sit like this until the next husband came along. She reiterated a lot of the things she perceived as flaws in me, and told me that she wanted the marriage to work but me to change. She once again stated that she was a good wife, despite the fact that she cheated on me. When I reminded her of some of her flaws, she immediately asked me why I didn't file, and I told her, for the same reason that I hadn't. Of course, she told me how she believed that I never loved her, and that the counselor that we both see (who I no longer see since I moved) told her that my attempts at reconciliation are an attempt to avoid rejection. Ironically enough, it's sort of the opposite, I want to resolve a situation because there are other people who are expressing interest in me who I cannot touch at this time. Long story short, it was a rehash of everything wrong I did with no recognition of any personal responsibility. It's frustrating that she will not come out of that and recognize that she engaged in certain behaviors that made her a less than stellar wife. I think that her own unwillingness to accept her role in this is the biggest obstacle to overcoming things. She knows she [censored] up, but can't face dealing with it, so it's still my fault. I gave her till Friday to make a decision. Ironic that I'm sitting here looking at things in the house to clean if I invite her up here, but also typing up a divorce petition right now. Thoughts?
It's frustrating that she will not come out of that and recognize that she engaged in certain behaviors that made her a less than stellar wife. I think that her own unwillingness to accept her role in this is the biggest obstacle to overcoming things. She knows she [censored] up, but can't face dealing with it, so it's still my fault.
She doesn't sound remorseful at all! But here's a q- why not file for separation if you aren't sure about D? Then you can still date.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
We are separated right now. Have been for months. In fact, I filed for divorce back in July but stopped it when she said she didn't want to do it. No, there's no remorse, and one of her biggest flaws is an inability to accept responsibility for her own actions. She remains convinced that she was a great wife to a husband who never loved her, yet someone doesn't want to divorce me. As for dating, who wants to date a man who could potentially leave them if his wife returns. That's one reason why I wanted to have this discussion, I need to be able to move on with my life.
