Dusk at Dawn.

[P17]

Cutter, I don't apologise for this email. I heard a few things about W today that quite frankly just p*ssed me off. So I'm not in the best of moods. However I have been thinking about your thread for a few days now and wanted to respond. It's not a 2x4 more just a WTF.

I want to thank you newmama. I am nervous as well. But the 180 after the phone call is to take control. So here I am.
I think that after she leaves on the 24th I will be in tears. But I will be in control that day. For it is the day she really gives up her marriage to me.

Stop. No it's not. The day she gives up on the marriage is the day you and she D. A separation is not a D, yet. If it's the same as here (and from what I have read it is) it's a financial separation - a D in every word, except the court stamp. However a separation is easy. A D isn't.

Can I ask if you are a safe place to land, Cutter?

What choices does Ladybug have (and I mean REAL WORLD choices not choices of the heart we get in the films)?

Have you made it known to her that you would still consider reconciliation? If you are not considering that now, is this the real and final decision NOT to reconcile?

And I will show enough love to her that she knows she still has this choice. But I will word it in such a way that it is not chasing. For I do understand not to chase.

How are you going to do this though? How do you propose to shown somebody love when you are signing away your life together (which is what you consider it to be doing)?

And after that day. My marriage is over.

No it's not Cutter. Come on now, get a grip.

ladybug you know when you sign this our marriage is over. I am no longer your husband. I am no longer your friend. From this day on I will only be civil. No more.

I still don't like the marriage is over bit to be honest.

I lean towards moving on. But I must still hold my vows... Until the end. Its damn hard.

I don't understand. If you're single, your marriage is over and you want to move on ... what vows are you holding onto?

I do not think those who have not had children understand that sacrifice. And it is a bitter sacrifice when it falls apart. One feels that they wasted those years and they know that they did not. Its very conflicting.

This I can relate to very much.

I have a D from a previous R but not with W.

W always wanted to have kids and I knew that from the start. To cut a very long story short, the reason we didn't have them was 90% my fault. I hold my hand up. Only when W stood up and basically said 'we're doing this' did we start to try. One of the few moments she stood up for what she believed. And it was nice.

However, I feel like, at 37, time is ticking away for me to have another child (another little girl if anybody is listening - although a boy would be fine :)). I have to find a new relationship, build it up, get married (as I still believe in marriage) and have the child with all that entails. I'm looking at 40+ before that happens and that's assuming I find somebody quickly. Here, it's unlikely that will happen so I'm looking at moving or maybe another few years.

I feel as though I left it too long. I have wasted 7 years of my life. I could have had a family that I always really wanted.

But Cutter, you can't think like this. Sh*t happens. You are a better man for it and you will be a better dad for it because you know now how important family is to you. You understand that now. I feel like before I took it for granted as it was there and W and I were going to have a family - when something is on a plate in front of you there isn't too much of a struggle to grab it. Only when it's taken away from you and you realise that what you wanted all along was in front of you do you fight for it.

I hope you take this message in the manner it's meant - somebody who doesn't want you to give up but also wants you to do what you feel is the right thing for you. Either way, I'll support you. But I needed to say this.