First... how you are doing. Tired makes sense. It is completely exhausting to be the one who takes care of everything, plus deals with the emotional stress of your M sitch. DBing is exhausting also, because it is counter-intuitive and therefore takes a lot of energy to implement. This is just your reality for now. And, it will be for awhile. Sometimes we just have to accept this, and it sucks. But, as people keep saying on these boards lately, we can choose to "embrace the suck"... My interpretation of this is, we are choosing to fight for our M, therefore we can embrace all the crap that comes with that, as hard as it is, because we know it will be good for us and our kids no matter what. So, hang in there, and keep looking here for the support you need.
Second... don't say anything to her about any of what you mentioned. It won't do any good. There were two trips my H went on during my sitch in which I was desperately worried about contact with OW. The first one (end of July, before I knew about DB and came on here) I begged, pleaded and made him promise there would be NC with OW. He looked me right in the eyes and promised 3x there would be none. Then, drove to her home, picked her up and took her with him. He was in the fog. The second time, in Sept. when I was first learning to DB, I didn't say a word. Again, she went along, but I realized she would have anyway, no matter what I said.
The thing is, if your W is determined to be in contact, she will be, no matter what you say or don't say. Your best chance of the EA dying out and your W seeing you differently is if you can DB.
About how much to communicate with her... I struggled with the same issue. My H's main complaints were that I had been emotionally unavailable to him prior to the A. These are valid complaints. My job is very demanding, we had some signficant stress and change in our lives just prior to that, including a major move, and I was depleted.
So, I tried to find the balance between not pursuing, detaching, GALing, 180's... and, when he approached me or there seemed an appropriate time or reason, to offer the kind of emotional support I would to a friend. I continued to tell him, "I will be here for you, as long as you choose to end R with OW. If you continue it, not only will that end our M at some point, but I will not be your friend."
I think you also need to think seriously about doing less for your W. She is cake eating. I stopped all the little, wifely things I used to do for H during the height of my sitch. That got his attention. I calmly let him know that until he could treat me as a wife should be treated, I would not function as a wife would. He was choosing this sitch, so if it is a room mate he wants, then that is how I would treat him. That was so hard to do. But, it had an effect. These things need to be done calmly, without contempt or emotion.
Gotta run, but will try to check in on you again.... hopefully Sandi will be back around to offer her always wise advice.. and she is better at 2x4's when needed...
