Working- look at things from your WAS' perspective. It is helpful. It helped me, truly look at the M and the shortcomings from your S point of view, it will help you communicate in the future and help you act appropriately using DB tactics. Having an A is wrong, period, but look at what helped drive S to that situation from their point of view. Also will help you in realizing why things progress (or don't progress) so slowly. I'm no vet, I'm leaning on the experts here every day, and I screw up all the time. The 2x4s I've gotten from here are my saviors, but this is one I learned along the way that has helped.
Absolutely I have looked things from her POV and understand how I failed. I totally get it and is not a struggle like it is for some. Of course she failed me too but I have always been the healthier person emotionally but not all that healthy myself knowing what I know now. I became resentful and angry over my needs not being met which pushed her away and became totally unattractive. It was not overt but a suble anger she said permeated everything I did. I've done a good job getting that under control. She's been pretty honest in her communication which I guess is good because she states she can't make any promises since she doesn't understand why she had the PA (she accepts it was completely wrong) and has HUGE trust issues that have to be worked through before she can work on the M (see post above re trust).
My major issues right now are the uncertainty of the future and the anxiety it causes me (really having problems with sleep) and how long will it take before I know we will reconcile or it is over. Change takes place so slowly in not only W but me. I have to be careful to guard my heart and not get bitter/resentful again. I need an occasional 2x4 since I haven't mastered detaching and still try and meet a lot of her superficial needs (asking how she is or how she feels, can I do anything for you, etc). Just like she is going through a process I'm doing that too with 180s, GAL, manning up, boundaries, not allowing disrespectful behavior from her. Puppy, Robx, Sandi2, Greek and Gucci posts have been very helpful with the above. I read and soak up their advice.
