Question

[Lucky11too]

Excellent news Awest! =) I hope you are having a great time right now. It sounds like just what you need. S and I went to the aquarium today and had a blast! Hope you guys have fun as well. Can't wait to hear the end report!

[ClingingToHope]

I'm jealous. I've never been to Medieval Times. I plan on taking the girls there for D10's birthday.

[Lucky11too]

Hope everything is going well and that you had and are having a great time with H and S! =)

[ClingingToHope]

I'm just posting this to bump it back up. I'm hoping she's having so much fun she doesn't feel like posting.

[Lucky11too]

Hey Awest - Just hoping you're doing ok! Hope the New Year was everything you hoped for! =)

[awest1217]

Well, I am not going to post much anymore because I have lost all hope and honestly I don't feel like listening to everyone bash everything because I am not in that place right now. Vacation was wonderful we really reconnected, but he said he still did not want to come home. Then during vacation H kept texting OW and some other things came out so I broke down asking him to just come home because he kept saying how he wants us to work and he wants to come home, but he is scared. After vacation, everything broke down, and it culminated last Monday when I ended up doing some things I am not proud of at all because I was so broken, hurt, sad, mad, angry, and any other negative emotion you can feel. NOw H has not talked to me since Monday. He won't tell me if he is goign to file or if he just needs some time to himself. I am completely broken and just getting by hour by hour, not even day by day. My brother says I need to just divorce H because he is worried for my safety and of vacation was worried that I would never come home. IT just completely sucks because we went from an awesome vacation and Christmas where H was saying he loved me and we were really having fun and reconnecting to now him saying he hates me. I am so broken and have broken down crying at work every day this week. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to get myself up. I know a lot of you are going to come with 2x4's because I have been stupid, but I really need my husband and he is not himself at all. He has turned into this monster and I am afraid for him.

I did contact one of his friends that was in our wedding to talk to him, and she said she is there for me too, but I want her to just talk to H first so maybe she can help him. I am very sad, broken, scared, hurt, and confused right now. I had a wonderful Christmas and was very hopeful...now there is nothing and I feel it.

[Lucky11too]

Awest, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. There is no reason to 2x4 you b/c I think you've already punished yourself enough. We are human and for the good or for the bad we have intense emotions that we act on sometimes. Don't beat yourself up over being human. I haven't posted as much either, but for me too, after so much hope from an awesome New Years together, H has gone back to his old hurtful ways. It hurts that much worse after spending intentense time together and really feeling like you are going somewhere together. I had him him and now he is gone again and it is very lonely. I just say this to let you know I understand. Even though we are just like far away pen pals, I just wanted to let you know I'm here to support you. Every hour you make it thru is a success, so just keep striving to hold on to the good in your life to pull you thru this difficult time - S, your family, maybe even some of your students. And if you don't ever post on here again, I truely wish you the best in life. We will all get thru this at some point (with or without our H's) and some day we WILL discover happiness again. That's easy to forget, but a good reminder for us all. Good luck Awest!

(On a side note, regarding H's transformation to a "monster", I understand that more than anyone. I watched H's depression transform him and destroy him, our marriage, and our life. There's a great book that I've been reading called "Change your Brain, Change your Life" by Dr. Amen. It's just interesting on how sometimes people who are classified as 'bad people' are really just dealing with over or underactive parts of their brain that truely affect their behavior/personality and what you can do about it. You're probably not here right now, but just something to keep in mind for the future. Good luck!)

[awest1217]

Thanks Lucky! Today has been a little better day because I haven't broken down completely yet, but my heart hurts and I am not able to eat much. I feel sick when I eat and sick when I don't... It just makes me sick to think I am hurting so bad and I am sure H isn't thinking about it at all (I know he might be, but not the same as I am). It bugs me even more that he won't answer my simple questions. All I want is an answer. That is all I have ever wanted...why is that so hard?

I know you understand and probably get it more than I do since you are already past a year mark.

I agree with you that H has something wrong with him. Since the end of November/beginning of December, H has been getting migraines again. They have been about once a week if not twice. The doctor said if that happens he should go back in because there could be something else wrong and they would need to do more tests. I have known H from high school, through college, and into adulthood, and this is not him. He might divorce me, but he wouldn't act this way. I really think there is a possibility something else is wrong. I forgot to tell his friend this yesterday when I contacted her so I am going to let her know so if he says anything about it, she can maybe encourage him to go back to the doctor.

Everything is so messed up. I was really hoping for the best and that he would come home...(it is snowing, Christmas, and now he has to start paying rent where he is)...all of these things he said would come home before they happened and he hasn't. I just need to move on...it just hurts so bad to go through this all again.

[awest1217]

Well...nothing major to report. H still has not talked to me since Monday. Nothing big. OW spent the night at his place last thursday, which when I found out, I took my wedding band off and have not worn it since. I am wearing a ring that is my step-sister's that has S's birth stone and mine so I think of it as my commitment to S. I don't know if H talked to his friend or not that I asked to talk to him. I hope that he did because he is messed up and needs to get his life and priorities back in order before his life is ruined.

I don't know about divorce. I don't have the money to divorce so that stops me, but I talked to my tax person, a long time family friend, and she said I am going to get a fat tax refund because we will file separately and since I am the one with S and the house I get to deduct all of it and H does not so I get all the cash. I am also struggling with the fact that to me it seems that D would be a reward to H. At work I deal a lot with rewards and punishments. Some students act up just because they want to get sent into the hall so when I realize it...I don't send them there. I feel like H is doing all of this because he wants a divorce, but won't go through with it so by me divorcing him, he is rewarded like my students who act up just to get out of class. Once again there is no contact at all so I don't really care and this time if he ever contacts me, I am ignoring him. I am not going to take his mail to him like I normally would have or anything. I know there are going to be bills coming that are his; car insurance and life insurance. Plus his tax papers. They will sit here at the house until he contacts me to get them. If they are late, not my problem.

I say all of this and I am a lot stronger, but I still really miss him and would love for this to work out, but he has so much wrong with him. He would have to do a lot of fixing before he comes home. I don't miss him as a husband, but more as my friend. He has been my best friend for 11 years so what really sucks about this is I have not only lost my husband, but my best friend.

Oh well, still feeling much better than before and when the hard waves come I just have to work through them and keep going. I just wish at some point S and I get what we want and H and OW get absolutely nothing. I don't wish harm, but seeing us succeed and them not getting anything would be nice.

[awest1217]

Realization today while reading some other sitches...I am much happier without H then with him. It does not mean that I want a D because I still want my marriage to work, but not until he is willing to change as well. For years, I am dealt with constantly feeling like I am not enough because he always had OW. He always had someone else he was flirting with or actively pursuing. Now that I don't have to deal with that I am much happier. I know I am worth more and although my life is not perfect, I am happy with who I am and that is the best feeling in the world.

Still no contact at all from H, and I am not going to be the one to break it. ALl it is doing is making me more and more upset with him so when he does contact me, and I know he will at some point. I am not going to respond for a while because I have a lot of anger to work through before I even get close to communicating with him again.