Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Made it through the weekend, have a lot on my mind as we start the week.

Unfortunately, what I thought was positive steps forward earlier in the week, don't seem to be any longer. W has either pulled back to where we were before, or it was just the emotion of the crisis of the suicide and I was there/comfortable for her, or she's getting support from OM, or there are just so many stressors in her life right now that its all a mess. She worked in the house a ton this weekend.
Just seems we are right back to where we were, kind of disappointing. The only thing different is I haven't been pursuing (though I am doing too many things for her, but I would do that for a roommate too with all that has to be done). No longer getting hugs goodbye, Sat morning was the last time for that. No physical touch of any sort in the bed, back to the great divide in the bed at night, been that way since Thu. No pyhsical touches/pats on back/etc during day, but maily because I stopped initiating. W not talking near as much about situation and how she is handling and what she is feeling.

Today is the memorial service here, she is speaking, she did have me review her talk last night.
W has verbally thanked me a few times for all that I have done, but that is it. Again yesterday thanking me for taking the kids out of the house for 5 hours to let her work. About the only thing different I have noticed, was her attempts to pull more of her own weight with "chores" around the house when she wasn't working. She seemed to be honestly trying to give me a break for an hour or two yesterday and it seemed genuine. No more getting pissy over who was filling what role with the kids but I am also a little more cognizant of that and how sensitive of an issue it is.

Next issue - the pay as you go phone she admitted she had. Its back. It had been in her backpack and then it wasn't for a couple of days, it was again today. I didn't have enough time to mess with it to see if I could tell when it was last used, but she is probably smarter than that to leave the evidence on the phone anyway. The battery was still just about dead, flashing at me after I powered it on.
My question - do I bring this up before she leaves for the funeral on Wed. I guess I don't want to make it easy on them with a phone already bought and number they already know. Or do I just let that one go too...or I could conveniently just remove the phone from the backpack and she probably would never even know it was missing till she went to try to use it at the airport or more likely, final destination.

Also on the subject of the trip, need advice from Sandi/others on how much do I try to communicate with W? According to W, one of the straws that broke the camels back this summer, was that I didn't make enough effort to communicate with W enough every day while we were apart--TM/Email/Phone Call/On-line chat/etc. This is the first time since the bomb and since I dedicated myself to changing that we have been apart. I know what I want to do is show I've changed and initiate communication, but given where we are at these days, would that be the wrong move...counterproductive?

Last question for now on trip coming up - I think I know the answer, just looking for confirmation. I should probably not mention/remind/etc about OM and the boundary we have...correct? The best answer is to just not mention him? I can tell you that the natural thing for me is to say something about it but that is probably the fear/anxiety talking of them having a few days to really stoke the fires of the EA again.

So today, I work again on no pursuit/detaching. This is tougher than I thought it would be, but I've made little bits of progress. There is the memorial service in the afternoon. I asked once if she would like to ride together and the answer was no because she needs to be there a couple of hours early. I will play it by ear about the ride back...I don't know how she will handle/hold-up at the service and whether or not she'll want a companion on the drive back to work.

Last relevant topic - the iphone. When I went to bed at about 1AM and she said she needed to do a few things, I nicely asked if there wasy anything I could carry up for her. She gave me a couple of items including her iphone. I think that was intentional to show she wasn't hiding anything on there. Yes I checked. Password was off and there was nothing on the phone that I could see other than OM's phone number is still her contacts page. Not sure if I should raise this as an issue or not, like I think I said before, I'm sure she has it memorized. Everything else I'd like to see, I'd need the password (Yahoo e-mail account and Skype account mainly).

Lastly, I need to journal on how I'm doing. I'm tired. First of all, didn't get to bed till 1:00 or later last night. Was helping W with her memorial speech and ironed her shirt and took care of everything around the house as she worked till about 1:30. Also tired because I had the lions share of the house work and kid responsibility. I had one or both kids well over 3/4 of each day with just me. Did all the laundry and cleaning for all of us and even made dinner last night. Couple all that with the disappointment (I'll admit it) of the pull back and uncertainty of the upcoming trip, and well, I'm tired already and its only Monday.