Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[January girl]

She's actually asked that you never get divorced?

Yes she has, which is why this is so hard to face. We have watched a couple of couples go thru problems in the last couple of years. I have always continued to explain that the parents still love the kids...they are just having trouble being together at the time. One couple recently got back together. They are some of my oldest and dearest friends from 30 plus years of friendship together. What is so interesting is that this particular couple went thru a very similar sitch as my husband and myself are going thru now.

[January girl]

I don't think you should tolerate it.

What's so funny about this is that I have just been ignoring his inconsiderate ways in order to detach from him.....I have been more and more "polite" but busy when interacting with him.

I did read the boundries link and believe it or not I have started setting a couple of boundries in how he speaks to me. I was very clear recently and explained that I would appreciate it if he speaks respectfully to me or I will end the conversation. Surprise-surprise he has started talking better to me.....IT REALLY WORKS!! Sorry, I guess I'm rambling...THOUGHTS ANYONE??

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yes, it does, JG.

Do you still do his laundry? If so, why?

Puppy

[January girl]

Puppy,
Yes, we both still do all the laundry together. We both still cook all the meals together. We still take the kids places together. We still sleep in the same bed but sleeping is all that's going on.
JG

[January girl]

Puppy,
He is moving out very soon which makes me oh so sad in my
heart but I get up every morning and act as if. It's funny
but we have talked more in the past months than we have in
years. Do you recall the name of the depression book that I
read about on a post yesterday? I'd like to read it.
JG

[January girl]

I had quite the shi**y weekend. AGAIN, I lost my cool and said WAY more than I should. Friday night he went out with a guy friend of ours and stayed out until 4:30 am. Saturday night he went out (I'm sure to see her) after we got home from a dinner we had to go to at 11:30 pm. I was quite a whiney complainer when he said he was going out on Saturday. I'm trying so hard to detach and it's just not taking on every day. Some days I'm pretty good...others, not so much. I told him I was tired of all the crazy hours and inconsiderate ways of him. After he left I thought about taking our kids and leaving....but this is my home. He should be the one leaving. On Sunday I told him that I know he's sleeping with her and how did he feel in the past "cheating" on his mistress with his wife? "Guilty" he said. (We are not longer "sleeping together" once I found out he was having sex with her I could no longer "be" with him....yuk!...just saying.)

Anyway, here is my question of the day....
He wants to move out and I believe that I want him to move out
SO

Should I give him the money to have first month's rent and security deposit just to get him out of the house because his hours and ways are making me crazy?
Or should I work harder at detaching and possibly wait this out? He has been involved with the OW since July 2009 first EA and then PA as of September 2009-my best estimation.

He says that she is his perfect match. He dated her in high school- 7 years before we started going out. Her family is a train wreck, her finances are a mess, she has a 16 year old son with a man she never married, she is also having job troubles, she loves to drink and party but "has a beautiful singing voice" ...which is a hobby they both share.

He and I have two children together-D9 and S1.

[GoBison]

You want to give him some of your money so that he can move out and have a place OW can stop by anytime she wants and leaving him more money to spend on her?

Wouldn't doing something like this only continue the same behavior that you have seen in the past?

It's strange but the more I think about all the years we have been together the more I realize that he is so selfish. I have simply stood by and let him walk all over me. And when I wasn't being a pushover I was being a nag. How could any man love/respect someone like that???

Kick him out. See a lawyer and set up child support and visitation. Let him pay for his A don't enable him by paying his way.

[Ready2Change]

Kick him out. See a lawyer and set up child support and visitation. Let him pay for his A don't enable him by paying his way.

I agree.

He is responsible for him. You are responsible for you. You are both responsible for you kids.

So...set a boundary......(let him suffer natural consequences of his choices).


"When you are involved with OW, I feel there is no reason for us to live together. Since she is your perfect match, I want you to gather your personal belongings and be completely out of my house by the end of the weekend."

[Awoken]

Hi JG,

It does sound like a Sh*tty weekend. Why are you still interacting with him at all? You had to go to dinner with this guy that is sleeping with OW?

Maybe you think you need to keep the interactions going so that you can have a chance to save the M? I really think you should cut off all communication with your H, except what is needed for bills or the children.

Read carefully what Ready2Change wrote for you: He's telling you exactly how to stand up and set a boundary, WITHOUT being controlling or pursing. This is communication you need. Dinner with your H you don't need.

I read your post a couple of time, and you know I've been following your thread and thinking about you. Listen, it seems like you are still thinking about your H, what he thinks, how he is going to react. I understand that struggle, but you need to be thinking more about JanuaryGirl. Weekends are usually the worst (they are for me), so prepare for them.

I think he is treating you awful, with no respect. Hang in there, you can do this JG.

[Ready2Change]

The advise that is counter-intuitive works. It is now common sense to me. Stand up to irresponsible behavior with boundaries. Point out the two choices (irresponsible and responsible) and what actions you will take for each choice. Clearly state how the person you are talking to needs to behave in order to show responsible behavior.

One step away:

"When you yell at your sister, I feel my energy draining. If you continue to yell, I will not have enough energy to take you to the birthday party tonight, If you calmly discuss your concerns with your sister, I will take you to the party tonight."