Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[CityGirl]

I agree, sweeping issues under the rug when both spouses are aware of the issues that are being "swept" is setting a very dangerous precedent.

I think we ALL can relate to wanting to understand but eventually you will reach a place of acceptance and either (A) be in the present to tackle the issues or (B) divorce and take all you learn with you.

One day at a time.

[SoldierDad]

Some things I worked on today:

1. I am openly flirting with other women. This is a self-esteem thing for me, and it forces me to get out of my comfort zone.

2. I reminded myself repeatedly that I have gotten into great shape over here, and some woman is gonna want to take advantage of that fact!! Besides I have been told that men in uniform are HOT / Caliente, for my spanish speaking friends!!!

3. I tried my best to NOT obsess over my W. I refused to think of her, or any of the other obsessive things I used to do. When she did pop into my mind, I just told myself STOP.

I am doing the work. I want the results.

God Grant me the Serenity...

[Gnosis]

.

THIS:

In the past I didn't acknowledge the stress and pain she was in because of my deployments, and I think that contributed as well.

Is BS because of:

Ok, this is strange, but she ALWAYS re-assured me that we would be STRONGER after the deployments, that we would re-connect, and our marriage would be better.

You don't want to know what I thought when I read THAT ^ ^ ^ ^

Remember this: "Anything you say can and will be used against you"? The above my friend is a perfect example - and it works both ways.

My issues with my W were that we had trust issues due to her past lying and deceit.

The problem with habitual liars is that they end up believing their own lies. Your W has been lying her entire life, to you, to the kids, to everyone around her and to herself.

With that in mind, how do you think this will change in the future?

She has destroyed your trust in her. The onus lies on her to do the work to rebuild it. Until she indicates that she wants to reconcile (AND BACKS IT UP WITH ACTION) your job is to continue your life without her in the picture. I told you before, the only two things that matter at this point in your life are YOU and your kids. What she does/n't do, says or doesn't say... don't matter until she positively affirms a complete change in mindset.

If she is salvageable, when you get back and start on your new path in life without her, she may do an about-turn and start pursuing the new you. If that happens, you're going to make her work for it. Until then, you live life to the maximum.

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis,

The trust thing is HUGE for me. In the past, I didn't have the backbone to call her on those lies, and stretching of the truth. Instead, I would rationalize it and accept it as is, and not confront her, as confrontation wasn't my strong point with her.

I also let her off the hook when we were talking the 2 days we were together, by not being consistent in my stance on her lies.

I don't think she is CAPABLE of changing, as she doesn't realize what she is doing.

I am continuing to travel this roller coaster. I completely agree with you on me and my boys. THAT is what is most important.

[Gnosis]

.

Some things for you to work on then:

In the past, I didn't have the backbone to call her on those lies, and stretching of the truth.

Find your backbone. For yourself - you will have use for it much later. NOT NOW. To do this now is an exercise in futility.

and not confront her, as confrontation wasn't my strong point with her.

Become confrontational. Same conditions as above apply.

by not being consistent in my stance on her lies.

Become consistent.

I don't think she is CAPABLE of changing, as she doesn't realize what she is doing.

This is why your path is diverging from hers now. You're still mind-reading. You don't know what she is truly capable of. The past months experience has taught you this.

I am continuing to travel this roller coaster.

You can do that... or you can choose to detach.

[SoldierDad]

Ya, I think the backbone thing was in direct relation to my self-esteem issues. I began addressing this right after W dropped the bomb, I still have much work to do in this area.

It's funny, in my profession and my job I HAVE to be confrontational, but when it comes to my W, I skirt the issue to avoid the fight, or the lies she would tell to justify herself. Really NEED to address this, especially if I ever plan on standing up for myself in this or any other relationship.

I am working on the detaching. I posted some items I did/was doing, to help me with that. I'm taking baby steps, but I really felt like I made some good progress today.

[CityGirl]

That is a good point you made... how well you can do at your job but you are not able to apply those skills on a personal level. In fact, that is a TERRIFIC realization on your part!

I asked my C about that one time. My H will use every resource available to him, be very upfront and everything you would want a man to be when it comes to his job. I always wondered why he could not apply the same logic/skill set to his personal life. My C said it is very common for successful people to have difficulties in their personal life. At a job you are trained to perform well and it is all laid out for you.

Think about your own training. I doubt the army just gave you the keys to a tank (do tanks have keys?) the day you enlisted. You had to learn all functions of Army protocol. Now you must learn all functions of R protocol (we all do!).

[SoldierDad]

CityGirl,

I sometimes need a nudge from board members to open my eyes to me and my issues.

My self-loathing has grown tiring to me, and I am moving forward.

I have ALOT of things I have to work on, and as I identify, and catagorize them, I begin to chip away at them.

You would think a Military man wouldn't have self-esteem issues, but alas, I do. I feel that this is due to the relationship with my W, and how she would make me feel about certain things.

As far as relationships, I only knew what I knew at the time. I NOW know better, and I feel that I can have a much more rewarding relationship in the future. I still have ALOT of work to do in this department, but I do know a few things NOT to do!!!

Also, I have realized that I MUST not accept lies or deceit from ANYONE. I am better than that, and if someone wants to have a relationship with me, albeit friends or dating, honesty and truthfullness are at the forefront of what I am looking for.

[CityGirl]

You seem to get very defensive and offer all kinds of explanations when things are pointed out to you.

Nobody is attacking you. I was just making an observation and sharing with you what my C said. You don't have to convince me or anybody else.

You are not a victim and if you have self esteem issues don't blame your W. Just get better.

[SoldierDad]

CityGirl, I wasn't being defensive, rather, I was pointing out what I was doing before wasn't working, and I was acknowledging that. For me, it is a big step as I have had a hard time lately getting over myself, and my insecurities.

I don't blame her for it, but I feel that she contributed to it.

I'm working real hard on the gettin' better - One Day at a Time!