This will be my last post as I have deeply hurt someone with the words that I have posted on here. I never meant to hurt anyone. I am a good, honest person and I have a huge heart. I would never want anyone to feel like they were not a good person. I think I said it quite a few times about how I feel responsible for many things that have gone wrong in my marriage. I re-read my posts the other night and I did say very nice things about my H despite some of the negative things that I said. The truth is when you are hurting you say things that you do not mean. I thought I was trying to save our marriage. I thought I was trying to do a good thing. Turns out the only one I can save is myself. If that makes me a manipulative fake person than so be it. I have been a good wife. I have been supportive, understanding for the most part, I have been there whenever he needed me. I listen. I am hurting alot. I love my husband..I do not like the way he has treated me but I do love him otherwise I would not be there trying to save my marriage. I miss the way we used to be and the things that we did together. I want to start a new marriage with him but I am starting to think that I cannot fix it anymore. I have done my part and I am going to keep trying to save it until well until...I am working on forgiveness, sincerity and most of all trust. I want to be someone he can talk to. I feel sick to my stomach right now and I am not sleeping again. Why? Because I know I have hurt my husband deeply. I know that by coming here and posting and following the "rules" I have destroyed our marriage instead of fixing it. It is hard to live with myself right now. I feel SO guilty and I hate that feeling. I feel guilty because I hurt him by posting those things. I just wanted to stop the pain I was feeling. I know I am a strong person but I dont feel very strong right now. I feel sad. Sad that this man that I have loved for so long is ready to toss that all away and for what? I mean really. What is the reason he hates me so much? This board has helped my in so many ways..it is not about the "rules" or being manipulative..it was more aobut changing the things that were not working for me. I did not follow any rules because if I did I would have followed them MUCH better..this is about a wife loving a husband. But today..as I sit here...I can honestly say that this is now about me. Making me stronger and better all around. Not tolerating someone making me feel badly about myself. I am STILL going to try to save this marriage. Why? Because I believe in us and I believe in him. But I am not going to beg or grovel any longer. The ball is now in his court. This is his choice and his decision. If that is not good enough then maybe one day it will be good enough for someone else.
If I may offer a suggestion.
keep posting. But only for yourself.
You hurt him by coming here for help.
Consequences.
He is now pushing you out of one of your support groups.
How did he find out?
What did he say when he read them?
Now is not a time to isolate.
IF YOU NEED TO STAY HERE. NEW NAME. AND KEEP IT AWAY FROM HIM.
This is none of his business. Until your both ready.
Now is not the time to isolate yourself.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
How are you "hurting" your husband? Were you lying about him? Did you make up stories about his actions? My guess is no.
He is trying to keep you under his thumb. He doesn't want you to connect with anyone who can help you protect yourself.
If you feel you can no longer post here, that is your choice. But I would strongly recommend you talk to a counselor.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
To answer your question, yes H found the board. I know it must have hurt him to read some of the things that were said. Many of the things that I said he has heard over and over again. The truth of the matter is this, my H is a human just like all of us. We make mistakes and deal with demons in our lives. I am not going to abandon him just because he has faults and is dealing with things in his life. I choose to walk by his side until the end…whenever that may be. I choose not to fault him or complain anymore but instead give all of my heart to this person because it is the best I can do. It is not going to solve anything coming on here complaining about my husband but instead to finding ways to resolve the things that have failed over the years. Instead of being co-dependant, I have chosen to be proactive in ensuring that the bills are organized, the house is clean and the kids are well taken care of. If he at any point needs me or wants to talk to me about anything I will open myself up to him and give him my full attention. I will no longer listen to anything negative, negativity will not solve anything. I will only focus on the positive. I have made a list of 10 things I would like to change about myself. I am going to work on that. I cannot go back and time and make the things that happen go away I can only work on forgiveness for myself and hope that in time he can forgive me. My husband does not trust me or feel that I am someone he can talk to and that is ok, that is how he feels and my job is to show him with my actions that I can be trusted with the money and when I say I am going to do something..do it. I am not manipulative, I am a good, honest person who on many occasions was just trying to protect my husband. I just want him to be happy and if that is my fault than I am sorry. My H thinks that my whole family knows what is going on but the truth is I would not want him to look bad in front of anyone. My parents have talked to me about it and encourage me to fight for what I believe in. My parents will be there to support him as well, contray to what he thinks they love him and they care about him as a person and would not judge him because of the things we are going through. It is part of life. So that is enough of that. I have chosen to be the rock of our family!
To those of you battling the OW/OM..I have decided to look at it this way…What a sad, lonely person with a low self esteem to want to break up a family. How heartless and selfish. They know your spouse is off limits yet they would lie, deceive and stoop so low as to contact a married man/woman. Is this really someone you would even want to compare yourself to? Because I look like St. Swimming compared to this person. How could your spouse even put their trust in a person that would betray in my case a friendship and think that this person is a good honest individual or even believe the lies they may be telling them??. Do not let them rob you of your self esteem, do not compare yourself to this person because when it comes down to it you are better than this person in every way. I often wondered how my friend could look at me and know that I have children and know the pain and hurt she was causing us. Revenge? Does that make it better, will that make the OP feel so much better as to destroy lives and a family? If they have children of their own how would they feel if someone was causing their children that much pain. How can your spouse trust the words that are coming out of this persons mouth when they know this OP must hate you deep down inside. Is the OW/OM not manipulative? Because it seems like manipulation in its purest form. How can your spouse confide or trust in a person that is so dishonest to begin with? These are questions that I battled for so long..until I realized that I was the better person. The secretiveness and dishonesty was enough for me to look at OW and laugh..laugh because how very sad for her.When thoughts come into your head about OP or if you have contact with OP just look at that person as a sad and lonely person and it makes the pain go away. I could never cause pain to anyone like that. I have enough pride in myself to hold my head up and say I have a good heart and soul and I can be trusted. I have also decided that it is best to forgive because I do realize what a sad and lonely person to destroy lives for their own satisfaction. And that is what I have decided to do. Hold my head high, smile and let the op go once and for all. Regardless of my H words I have decided to put my faith in him, hold on tight and enjoy the ride. It is all I can do. I am beginning to have confidence in myself and it is the most freeing and wonderful feeling…it is helping me to love unconditionally and in the long run I think it is the best gift I can give my H whether he chooses to walk by my side or not.
One last thing..Coming to this board taught me how to control the way I react to situations, gave me self esteem, and freeded me from my obessivesness over the relationship. It has given me my life back. I used to shop to feed the pain that I was feeling, now I shop when I need something. Lately it is because I have lost so much weight that my pants dont fit me:) I would rather go to the Y or hang out with my kids and H than shop. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. I have changed alot. I wish my H could see the changes are permanent and real and still after everything he has said I forgive him and want to walk by his side. I want to support him in life. I realize that I cannot control anyone but myself and THAT is why I am so glad I have come here.
