What did you have to apologise for? I'm not being flippant, I'm serious. What do you reckon you did that you needed to apologise for?
KJ you are a really good woman. You are nice, you are polite, you are kind to people, you don't like to upset anyone ... you don't like anyone to be upset. I get that ... I'm like that too.
Thing is, we are not responsible for how people react to the nice, kind, polite conversation we make. We don't need to apologise for an inappropriate reaction someone else has.
Reflect on what really happened between you guys in that exchange.
H told you he'd been looking at houses
You asked a harmless question - perhaps he hears/perceives as controlling or limiting (and it was a little bit mothering ... what's it to you what resources he uses to find accommodation?)
... and he reacts to that question by making it all your fault again ...(on a serious MLC logic loop that may go something like "I wouldn't have to look for a house if I could live in ours and I can't live in ours because you are my problem, and you are proving that by doing ALL this redecorating now after I've left when you could have done that while I was there ... it's crappy projection and it's ridiculous logic, but there is definately something going on with him that means everything he does is right and everything you do is wrong).
You can still be a loving, compassionate woman and stand your ground. I bet you do it at work.
Don't apologise for stuff that not your problem.
Something that has worked for me is a simple affirmation along the lines of "I release the need to feel responsible for anyone elses reactions." It sounds silly, but it works.
Keep going girl. You are doing so well ... this is no work for chickens, it takes a brave, strong woman to do this work and you are really doing it.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
