I think you are right that he sees invitations as controlling - he doesn't "hate" his mother, but she is very manipulative so he keeps a large distance from her. I think you're right also that he may try to pull the rug out from under me re: my birthday, so I'm going to make plans on my own. I don't need the games. Today I got a little hope up when he claims he might "drop by" if I go to the city with friends, but if I learn from the sitch with the vacation, I should not get my hopes up or like you say, they'll be dashed and he'll relish in the power drama.
I like your idea of making plans that do not in any way include him. This would be sooooo hard for me to do, but I really should do it. I'll think long and hard. I do not want to set myself up for tears. I like the idea of going out with my parents, as I feel they should be celebrated on my birthday as well!
And yes, I do fear the anger backlash or the shutdown after I do something for me, but it would be good to play it like I expect him to jerk me around, and I want to avoid that. He'll be angry because down deep he'll know he was an a$$ for not doing anything for my birthday. also, yeah, he'll hate not having a chance to wound me. He gets off on that. He blames me for most everything, and I'm sure he will if I don't invite him to my birthday, even though he is the one playing games about it.
He has just started counselling a month ago, at the same time we started couple's counselling. Hoping he will begin to look at himself. Seems to be calming down in the last month - not sure why, a whole bunch of things have changed in December. But you're right, I get my hopes up waaaaaaay too easily, which is how I set myself up for those hopes to be dashed. I'm building up strength now with my independence, little by little.
I'm like you in that I will see a little progress and want to hold onto that. DR does recommend noting the baby steps. I do want to acknowledge them, while staying committed to my need to protect myself for possible future letdowns.
Thanks for your advice, and insight. You're spot on.
